


Lucifer Reacts to Supernatural

by SilverWolf7



Category: Lucifer (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Angel Domains, Angel Wings, Angels on Lucifer vs Angels on Supernatural, Autistic Castiel (Supernatural), Character Study, Character Watches Show, Gen, Heaven & Hell, Implied/Referenced Incest, Lucifer Castiel is a female, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Devil Reveal, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) is a Dork, Lucifer Morningstar Does Not Like Dean Winchester, Lucifer watches Supernatural, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, dares, not Dean Winchester friendly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-06-14 08:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 47,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15384837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/pseuds/SilverWolf7
Summary: Ella dares Lucifer to watch Supernatural all the way through as she doesn't think he'd make it past the first 3 seasons.  To prove he is watching the series all the way through, the two get together to watch an episode a night.  It's going to be a long and bumpy road for this Devil an his human friend.





	1. Lazarus Rising

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rulerofyouall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rulerofyouall/gifts).



> This is my fic that will be more about character study of the angels and demons of Lucifer. Expect the program to be paused a lot, expect talk of Heaven and Hell. Also, expect Ella and Lucifer to be adorable dorks together.
> 
> This will probably not be updated in a long time, as I was expecting to post this after I have finished my Lucifer's Flock series, but have quite a few one shot plot bunnies demanding to be written before I start on the last story of the series. One is almost done now. Until then, though, have this first chapter to tide you over.
> 
> For Rulerofyouall, who likes crossovers and has written a lot of gift fics for me. This is a long one for you in return.

Episode One – Lazarus Rising

It had been a silly little dare he had going with Ella. She said he wouldn’t last past the first 3 seasons of Supernatural, before rage quitting the show. He stated he could watch it all the way through the 13 seasons that are finished and catch up with the 14th when it was available.

She had laughed and shook her head, believing full heartedly that he’d just be too angry to carry on with it.

He had gotten through the first 2 seasons without a problem, though he laughed at the hilarity of what they thought demons were like every time one showed up in the series. He had a frown on his face during one episode when he was mentioned as the god of demons since he wasn’t, but he could live with that. Occasionally Maze would get humans to believe that he was their father, even if he wasn’t her father, and it could be pretty fun to mess with.

And, after about a week of binge watching to get to that point, he had reached this dreaded season 4. Ella, having no faith in him being able to continue watching had come over the moment she had learned he was just about to start the season, so she was there, sitting on his couch, more turned to looking at him than the screen where the first episode was ready to play. She had lent him her DVD copies. Apparently this was a show you didn't watch on Netflix.

He took a deep breath, suddenly unsure if he wants to watch, but deciding that he’d never live it down if he lost this dare.

He pushed play.

He never should have taken this on.

He blinked at the flashing screen, glad he wasn’t one of those to suffer seizures. And he knew that it was supposed to be Dean in Hell, but it looked nothing like Hell unless Dean had been torn up by hooks while alive before, and he very much doubted that. But, he could live with a wrong interpretation of both Heaven and Hell in basically anything, so he let it go.

He raised an eyebrow at the whole coffin scene, especially the trees at the end. He leaned in to Ella and said. “You know, resurrections are a lot less showy than this. I mean, sure, if the person was buried they wake up again in the coffin, but usually whoever got them back would dig them out first. Or do it before they were buried, which is even better. Too much time in Hell is...well, not good for the soul, let’s just say that. It does things. Bad things. And time is precious here on Earth when it comes to these types of things, because of the major time difference between Earth and Hell.”

“Will you shut up and watch. Stop pausing the show.”

“But I don’t want to miss any and it annoys you. How can I resist?”

She rolled her eyes and nodded. ‘Okay, big guy. Fine, pause it as often as you like.”

He grinned at her and nodded. “Oh, I will, don’t worry about that!” And with that he pressed play again, just in time to see the new title sequence. “Oooh, pretty. I like this one best so far!”

Ella nodded, seeing as Dean was just walking a road and not much was happening at that moment. “It’s one of my faves too.”

He frowned at the arm print on Dean’s arm, pausing the show again to get a good look at it. “Wow, that is painful to look at. How did he not realise he had that until he looked in the mirror? He was using that arm a lot to dig himself out of a grave. Whoever resurrected him did a real lousy job of it!”

Ella punched him. “He did fine, Lucifer. At this point, he’s not high ranking.”

He tilted his head to the side and stared. “Which one of my siblings did the botch up job?”

Ella looked at him with a stubborn set to her jaw. “How do you even know it’s an angel?”

He stared at her. “Uh, only an angel can resurrect the dead. Or, you know, my mum or dad. They can too. How do you think Charlotte Richards survived her death?”

“Uh, easy, she wasn’t killed. She was stabbed in the arm, remember?”

He grinned. “No, she was stabbed in the back of the neck, killing her almost instantly. I stabbed her in the arm to make it look like she was hurt and not killed. Sorry, try again.”

She stared at him then, a look of surprise on her face. “Are you saying you resurrected her?”

He chuckled at that. “No. Dead souls who go to Hell should stay in Hell, unless they get over their guilt and learn their lesson and then they are free to leave. Trust me, it is not an easy thing to do. At all. And most get trapped. Not a single human soul has managed to walk out.’

“What about those that do really bad things but feel no guilt for them?”

“Their rooms get chained up so they can’t leave. They’re nasty pieces of humanity. Seriously, it’s...there are whole levels of Hell dedicated to locked doors to keep them there, where they belong. Those who do feel guilt though, they are free to leave if they manage to work their way through what they did and learn to leave the guilt behind. It is possible to be forgiven even from Hell. Charlotte wasn’t in a locked room, so she could work through her guilt. She didn’t even realise that much guilt could get you in Hell. Being a defense lawyer was her only true mistake in life. Why do you think it’s said that lawyers go to Hell?”

Ella stared at him and grinned. “I love how you never drop out of character, Lucifer. It’s cute.”

He frowned. “I’m not acting. I truly am the Devil.”

“Yeah, well, until you prove it, no one will believe you.”

He sighed. “I did prove it to my therapist. Almost drove her mad with the knowing...but I do have another way to prove it now. Or prove I am an angel at least. But I refuse to whip my wings out for no reason.”

Ella stared at him, a smile slowly widening on her face. “Oh, I so totally would love to see your wings.”

He cocked his head to one side. “I’ll show you my wings...if my unknown sibling here shows his.”

Ella immediately put out her hand, the smile on her face full and knowing. “Deal!”

“Ooh, a deal with the Devil. Lucky for you, I don’t deal in souls.” He shook her hand, knowing that he probably would have to flash her his wings sometime soon.

He pushed the play button to continue watching. He frowned and paused again after Dean hotwired the car and took off to go to Bobby’s. “Wait a sec...Does that service station have no security at all? Isn’t it a business that would, you know, see him steal all that stuff? I mean, he’s not hiding or anything. And he’s wanted in several states already. How does he keep getting away with shit like this? Seriously, it actually is one thing that annoys me about this show.”

Ella stared at him. “Wait, that’s what you stopped it for? Nothing about exploding windows?”

He grinned. “Darling, anyone can shatter a window. I usually shatter them by throwing people through them though, much more impressive than high pitch and much easier on the ears. Unless you’re the one being thrown through a window and then you might get your ears cut...haven’t really thought about that. Point being, windows break.”

He watched a bit longer once he started the show again until he got to the point where Dean said he didn’t remember. Then he paused it again and stared at the television. And then pointed at it. “Oh! You liar! You never, ever forget Hell once you’ve been there. The knowledge drives people who are brought back insane sometimes. Sometimes not. Depends on the type of person.”

Ella looked at him and blinked. “What, you mean like a locked door person vs. an unlocked door person?”

He shook his head. “No, locked doors stay locked. Unless they’re strong enough to break free, which humans aren’t, there is no escaping Hell for them. No, I mean depending on what they did in life vs. what their Hell is. Take Charlotte again, I feel like she’s going to be used a lot as an example. She remembers Hell, but doesn’t remember being a suit worn to walk around in. And she must have been in Hell for only a few seconds of Earth time, before hopping a ride back with my mum...”

“Wait, so Charlotte herself isn’t your mom?”

He frowned at her. “No. My mum is a goddess, Charlotte is a human. Big difference.”

Ella rolled her eyes. “Of course.”

“The point is, Miss Lopez, you don’t forget Hell. And there’s a counterpoint to Charlotte. Earlier in the year, there was a dirty cop called Malcolm who was also resurrected. He was in Hell longer than Charlotte. 30 seconds. Ouch. When he came back his greed ratcheted up. He couldn’t stop eating. He bought everything he saw shiny enough. Abuse of his family raised in levels it never was. He went completely insane. But he was a bad person before he got there, Charlotte wasn’t. She just chose the wrong profession to dedicate herself to. She can better herself this time around.”

Ella shuddered, reached for the remote and pushed play herself, taking herself out of the conversation. He’d allow it this once, since it was getting a bit deep there. Personally, he could do without the reminders of Malcolm, thanks very much.

They both watched in silence until Dean brought up the all important episode question “if you didn’t bring me back, then what did?”

Lucifer laughed as the screen went black and shook his head. “Seriously, demons from Hell exist in this world and no one thought ‘Hmm, maybe someone from the other side of things might have done it. What do we know about angels?’ Wow. I remember Dean thinking angels didn’t exist before, but that’s a stupid thing to believe and we know Sam does believe and always has.”

“Is that a question, or are you stating a fact?”

“I think that Sam should have figured out it’s not a demon and thought angel instead. It makes sense. We resurrect the dead, well, we are when ordered to. Bad mojo to do it on our own without daddy’s permission.”

“Is that why you don’t?”

He glared. “No, I don’t because dead souls shouldn’t be jerked out of their afterlife. People yanked out of Heaven get so depressed about being denied that they commit suicide and those who get yanked out of Hell, as I stated before...”

“Go mad, yeah, you already said. Can we get back to watching now, please?”

He nodded and they both turned back to the screen.

He blinked at the obvious lie Sam told about not using powers because it was Dean’s dying wish, paused the show again and just rubbed his hands over his face. “Urgh, I thought I was bad at communicating with my brothers. This is just...bloody tell the truth to each other, you idiots!”

Ella looked at him. “You okay?”

He nodded and started the program back up. “Yeah, just annoyed. It’s always like that in this show, one of those things that always annoys me. I don’t like people lying, especially to family.”

Ella hummed at him, as Bobby knocked on the door to the psychic and Lucifer immediately perked up. “Hello, psychic goodness! Yum! Oooh and strong too. Lucifer likes.”

Ella snorted at his side and gently punched his shoulder. He took a peek at her and noticed her noticing too. He grinned at the screen, glad they shared something in common.

He paused and blinked at the screen for a few seconds when the séance started, which was probably a good thing. He began laughing hard enough he fell off the couch.

Ella looked down at him. “You okay down there rolling around on the floor.”

He nodded, still giggling, before picking himself up and dumping himself in the seat next to her. “Cassie?! It’s Cassie, really?! Suddenly the season end theme song is hilarious.”

Ella stared at him. “Why?”

“Don’t you cry no more? Get it?”

She looked confused and shrugged. “Not really. But I did notice that the day he got out of Hell was a Thursday.”

“Three domains here, got it. I have three too.”

Ella raised an eyebrow. “You have three?”

He nodded. “Yes. Light I was renamed after and Music. And Desire, of course. Punishment is a subset of all three believe it or not, but it isn’t my domain. It is more a job than anything else.”

“Huh, I didn’t know that.”

“And now you do! Soooo, what did Cassie do?” He pressed play again, a giant grin on his face.

He paused it a few moments later to take the time to facepalm. “Ugh, seriously. Cassie, human forms come in handy to not hurt humans. And how did she burn out her eyes?”

“Whoa wait, Castiel is a girl?”

“Uh, yeah, always has been. Regardless of the whole androgynous thing you people seem to think we all have, due to Gabriel being the Messenger and all, we do have genders. I am male, Amenadiel is a male, I have sisters too, you know. Most famous being Azrael, who everyone seems to think of as a man, because Dad forbid a woman holding domain over death.”

“Oh, hah! Well, apart from like one episode in this, Castiel’s a dude. Though played by someone real pretty. And all the angels are generally considered genderless in true form.”

Lucifer titled his head to one side, hummed at over that comment and nodded. It does make sense in the context of the show. “Okay, so Castiel is a guy, I will use male pronouns then.”

Ella nodded and cuddled up to his side. “Good, now shut up and watch the rest of the episode.’

He returned to the screen and once again pushed play to continue on with the episode.

He laughed at the perky nipples comment. So did Ella.

Both of them were quiet until the end of the episode, in which he turned it off, because he knew he was going to stop the binge watching as soon as angels appeared on the show. But he didn’t really see any reason to quit the show over Cassie being a male in the show. Humans got genders of angels wrong all the time, after all. 

“Well, at least he won’t get in trouble for raising Dean without permission. That’s good. But what is this about vessels? Are they saying angels possess people like demons in the show do? And that, by the way, is full of crap too. Both angels and demons have their own forms. And what is with the shadow wings? Why didn’t he fully show them?”

Ella nodded at his questions. “Angel wings in this show are not visibly seen by the human eye. They are seen as either shadow or ash if an angel dies.”

He froze at that. “They die in this? Only one of us has ever truly died before. Uriel is dead. Usually when we die we go back to Heaven, or in my case back to Hell, but we are still whole and able to function there. And we can get back if we’re not stuck...”

“What was different about Uriel then?”

“The weapon used to kill him obliterates the soul, not just the life, of who it stabs. Remember stabby town? Yeah, that weapon. All those people never got to Heaven or Hell, they’re just...gone.”

She looked shocked and horrified at that, but shook her head. “Umm, vessels are like the demons, yes. It reminds me of what you said about Charlotte actually. She was a vessel for your mother.”

He frowned, but he at least got the point. “Yes, it is. But unlike us, she doesn’t have a physical body. She’s just pure power.”

“So, she is like the angels in the show then. It’s that exact same concept.”

He nodded. “Okay. That’s good. So, watch another episode tomorrow night?”

She grinned at him. “Sure, but first, a deals a deal and you said you’d show me your wings if Castiel showed his.”

He blinked, thinking he had gotten out of that one on a technicality, but if the show literally has humans unable to see the physical wings, Cassie did flash his wings at Dean.

“Oh, very well. A real angel’s wings look like this!” And with that said, he let his wings unfurl out. He imitated the pose that Cassie had given in the show, arching his wings above his head. They glowed slightly in the dark of the room, since the lights were out. Ella stared.

“Oh, shit, you really are...”

“Yes, I keep telling people. It’s not my fault if you don’t believe. Now, I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early, Miss Lopez.”

He tucked his wings up against his back, but left them out, a tangible reminder to her that he was exactly who he said he was. She reached out and ran a hand through his scapulars. 

“Oh wow, so soft... I better get going though, before I end up staying and just...”

“Touching them all night? Yes, they are quite the show stopper. But please, don’t. Divine madness can happen upon looking at an angel’s wings. Why do you think I was reluctant, but you insisted. I hope you don’t go mad. I like you.”

She turned her eyes away from the wings to look at his eyes and she grinned. “Nah, not mad. Just kind of amazed, you know? Well, goodnight Lucifer. See you tomorrow.”

And with that, Ella left, her eyes glancing back every few steps to the lift to see his feathers. He put the wings away once when she was looking away. She was disappointed, but managed to get on the lift without looking back again.

He hoped he hadn’t done irreparable damage to her.


	2. Are You There, God?  It's Me, Dean Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer learns the plot of season 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unpopular Opinions and Headcanons at the end notes.
> 
> I decided to post all three of these episodes I have done. And then it will go on to a long wait. I will probably be working on this through November for NaNoWriMo.

Episode Two – Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester.

Lucifer was nervous about Ella being there that night. She was late and he thought he may have scared her off for good. He had the next episode up and he wanted to yell at the title alone, because yes, he can hear you, but no, he doesn’t care. 

He hoped that his Dad doesn’t end up making a surprise visit in the episode, because he really thinks he would quit if that happened. That would just be...horrific. He’d have to be slowly fed that before he could stomach it. No sudden appearances would be for the best.

Before he could get too angry and start taking it out on the screen in front of him, he heard the lift ding and deposit its cargo of Ella into the room. “Sorry, I’m late. Friday night traffic and you would own a popular club.”

He grinned. So, he hadn’t scared her off. Good. “Yeah, after we watch this I’ll be heading downstairs for the night. I think I’ll need the fun just by looking at the title.”

Ella bounced over to the couch and flopped herself into the seat next to his, her eyes staring eagerly at the screen. She blinked, peeked at him and covered her mouth with a hand. “Oh, yeah, don’t worry. God doesn’t appear anywhere in the episode. You can relax now.”

He did, slightly. “Does he ever appear?”

She nodded. “Yes, but not fully until, like, season 11. So don’t worry about it.”

Season 11 was a long way away from where he was at and that did make him relax. Great, so he would have time to enjoy at least parts of it. He didn’t think the angels too accurate, but hey, humans thought it up. It was funny to think of his sister as a guy. And a show off. She much preferred her own company.

One of the first things he did when the episode truly started was laugh at Dean’s “I was groped by an angel.” line. 

“I’d grope him,” Ella stated at his side and he blinked and looked at her. 

“Really? I prefer Sam myself.”

He did not expect her to burst out laughing at that. He frowned at her. “What?”

She shook her head. “I just never really thought of you having a type. I like my guys rugged.”

He had the feeling that, while what she said was the truth it wasn’t what made her laugh. He shrugged and turned back to the screen. Remote comfortably in hand, always ready to pause and play. He turned the show back on.

He paused it again after Dean said he didn’t buy that there was a God even with all the proof in front of his face. “You know, Dean’s attitude generally bugs me sometimes, but damn am I liking him already this episode. I mean Sam already believed, and Bobby couldn’t care if there is or isn’t, he just gets on, which are both much better reactions. But Dean, he disbelieves because God picked him for some reason and thinks that’s crap. I like that attitude!”

Ella stared at him. “Why?’

“Because he’s right. God really can’t care about one individual more than any other. There is no reason to choose Dean out of all humans for this particular mission of God. I don’t even know what it is but I already doubt it was Dad who is the one pulling the strings here. No. Just...no.”

She blinked. “And this is the time I get really weirded out when I remember that you are the Lucifer and God is your actual father.”

“It weirds you out? Try being me sometime...”

She shuddered at that. “No thanks. Sorry, but no.”

He turned the show back on just to stop the chat as it was going. He didn’t want to think on that anymore.

Half the episode passed after that in relative silence, only the odd laugh or grumble depending on if he or she liked or disliked something. And then Bobby showed off his panic room and Lucifer paused.

“Have I mentioned, any time at all, that I love Bobby? He’s my favourite. This is a guy who got bored one weekend and decided ‘You know what would be good? A room that is safe from ghosts, anything allergic to iron and demons. Sounds good. Boom, made it in like two days out of solid iron. Bobby just gets things done.”

Ella nodded. “I think Bobby is liked by almost everyone, but hey, I may be wrong there. But I totally agree with you. I also like Ellen and Jo.”

Lucifer frowned at that. “I don’t know...I found them to be bit characters thrown in every now and then for fan service. They are pretty to look at. I don’t see much character to them. I rarely see character on the bit part actors, but Bobby. Bobby is great and he’s becoming more important as the show goes on. He’s being fleshed out into a great character. Is he a main character from now on, because it is the only thing I can think of.”

Ella nodded. “Yeah, he becomes a huge part of the show as a main character. He’s the only character, apart from Sam and Dean, who has appeared in every season to date. Bobby is a huge part of the boys’ life. As Dean said last episode, he is like a father to them. More so than John ever was.”

He grimaced. “Yeah, I don’t like John Winchester at all. He reminds me of Dad...”

Ella frowned at him. “I don’t want to know. I really don’t. Though it does explain a lot.”

He scowled at her. “Oh, thanks...”

She winked and grinned at him. “Come on, turn it back on.”

He turned back to the screen and pressed play. “Fine.”

He paused it again a few minutes later to stare at the screen. “Oh no. I see where this is going and I do not like it.”

And by his side, Ella laughed and punched his shoulder. “I told you that this season might get you to rage quit the show.”

He stubbornly shook his head. “Nope, not going to happen. I will soldier on, even if I have to deal with yet another stupidly inaccurate portrayal of myself. I mean, seriously, do I look like someone who hates humanity? Do I feel evil to you? Why would I want to end this bloody world? It’s the closest thing to a true home I have ever had. I...I am going to hate the me in this show, aren’t I?”

Ella laughed and fell to her side to lie on the couch beside him. “Oh yeah, big time. It also throws in the whole Sympathy for the Devil thing. You know, where the Devil is the bad guy and evil, but you can sympathise with him because of the whole Hell thing.”

He grunted. “At least part of it is correct then. That was a shitty thing to do to me and I will never forgive Dad what he did to me until he gets his arse down here and personally tells me he’s sorry himself. Because Dad knows I didn’t believe Mum when she told me that Hell was her idea and was done to keep me safe because Dad wanted to kill me. That was a bit too unbelievable for even me to see as the truth.”

She shook her head. “Damn, you had shitty luck with a mother who would tell you your Dad wants you dead.”

He nodded. “There’s a reason I am in therapy.”

She nodded knowingly back at him. “Oh yeah, I understand that completely.”

He only then remembered her being open to him about being in therapy herself and got comfortable in his seat, before lifting the remote up to face the screen. “Well, here’s to me not giving up on this show then.” He hit play somewhat reluctantly.

He didn’t pause the show again, as it was close to the end, but boy was he tempted to. He really didn’t understand what this seals thing had to do with getting out of Hell.

So, he waited until the episode was over and turned it off before he said anything further. He turned to Ella with a confused look on his face. He could feel it. He was very confused. “What do breaking seals have anything to do with me getting out of Hell? I’m...I don’t think I was able to understand what Cassie was going on about there at the end.”

Ella bit her lip and nibbled at it for a few seconds. “The show goes into more specifics with that later on. But the main gist of it is Lucifer can’t get out of Hell until 66 seals are broken, because they resemble locks that keep him in Hell.”

“But there were no seals to keep me in there. There was no need for any seals. I could leave any time I wanted. I only stayed because it was my duty to. And even then I left when it got a bit too much. And when I quit, I came here permanently. Well, unless someone kills me and then I unfortunately find myself back, but now I have my wings, I can easily get myself back again without having anyone needing to resurrect my body. Which is good and saves a lot of time and effort. And Linda won’t have to tell me again she’s not that kind of doctor.”

Ella stared at him. “You were allowed to quit Hell?”

He grinned. “I have no idea if I was allowed or not. Allowed has nothing to do with quitting. Quitting is a personal choice. I quit because I was so bored with doing the same thing over and over and over again. Didn’t I mention Hell as being a repeated punishment? Yeah. No thanks. I am so done with that. Now it’s fun and I get to do what I want!”

Ella nodded. “And yet you still ended up in a position to punish the guilty.”

He grinned. “Of course. It is my duty. I am still an angel. We are all tuned to our duty. Doesn’t matter where I am as long as I can do it. I was focusing on the whole music domain thing before the Detective came along. And then mum gave me an excuse to go back to light for a bit and I am the walking embodiment of Desire, so...”

“Three domains with a different duty, yeah, you said that last night. I forgot. And that’s the reason you started a nightclub?’

“Well, considering I didn’t really believe the police did their jobs very well at all and all of you were corrupt until I met the Detective, I wasn’t much interested in the whole punishment part of my duties until then. That and I needed a break from it, so nightclub. Music, singing. Things I enjoy doing and other people flock to me to listen. It made me feel good, which I really needed.”

“This is going to sound like the stupidest thing ever, but Hell sounds like...well, Hell.”

He threw back his head and laughed at that, before staring up at the ceiling for a bit. “Yeah, that’s because Hell is Hell, darling. So! Tomorrow night for another episode?”

She grinned at him. “Oh yeah, you are on. You better believe I will be here every night until you either quit, or you get through it all.”

He closed his eyes and smiled at that. “That’s good. At least I don’t have to put up with this alone. Things are always better with other people.”

“Yeah, they are. So! Going downstairs now, then? I might stay for a drink.”

He opened his eyes and turned his head in her direction. She sat herself up from the prone position she had been in. “That sounds good.”

Together they got up and made their way to the lift to go downstairs and party the night away. 

He suddenly really felt like playing the piano at the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unpopular Opinion - I don't like Ash at all and never go the point of Jo and Ellen but to throw in pointless drama which is never talked about again after the fact. Oh, and to die horribly for Winchester pain. They could have been great and they did barely anything with them. 
> 
> Unpopular Opinion - I never liked Castiel's hair in this episode *cough*
> 
> Headcanon - it is this episode which made Bobby a main character.


	3. In The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was this episode more than the two before it that really got me in the show. The first 3 seasons took me months to get through. From this episode on, binge watch ahoy.
> 
> Well, I just wanted to post something today, because it is my birthday. I wanted to do something, and none of the stories I am writing has a chapter ready but this one, so have this last written chapter of this story.

Episode Three – In The Beginning

Ella had brought popcorn with her and had begun eating it almost immediately, turned half towards the screen and half towards him.

He lunged for the bowl and put it between them so she wasn’t hogging the whole lot of the buttery treat.

The episode had just been started and before the Then part had finished he spoke up and stated what was on his mind. “You know, it is really unfair that Cassie’s vessel has such pretty eyes. I mean, damn, really petty eyes. It creeps me out a bit that he is really good looking.”

Ella laughed and lobbed a piece of popcorn into his hair. He picked it out and ate it. 

“Conflicted because you keep thinking he’s your sister?”

He grimaced. “Sort of. I mean, I know he’s an actor and all, but damn. Still, I should show him off to Cassie. She might like it even.”

Ella laughed again, before the show proper started.

They watched as Sam creeped around and Lucifer paused the show shortly after Dean woke up.

“Oh, oh wow. Cassie is a creeper. Holy crap, I...I feel kind of proud of that.”

Ella turned to look at him fully. “Proud, why proud? It’s creepy is what it is...”

“Of the characterisation, I mean. Cassie is a loner by nature. She is really awkward around others.”

Ella blinked, nodded and turned back to the screen, before giggling. “Oh yeah, he sure is awkward. Doesn’t get social cues at all. Sayings and turns of phrase go right over his head. Sounds like someone I know...”

Lucifer turned to glare at her. “I am not that bad.”

Ella grinned at the screen. “Oh yeah, you really are. Mister I burn money because I didn’t get that was a turn of phrase. You come off more as Narcissistic though rather than Autistic, which is more Castiel’s deal in the show. Even after almost a decade with humans, he still doesn’t get it. You weren’t really close to people until, what, last year? That’s two years and you’re getting better at it. Castiel doesn’t ever really get it.”

Lucifer winces. “Ouch. Okay, so I miss things. Excuse me for not being human myself. But I try.”

She patted him on the shoulder. “And that’s all that matters, dude. Keep on keeping on, Lucifer.”

They watched further and it wasn’t until Dean talked to Castiel in an alleyway that he paused it again and stared at the screen. “Uh, first it was Doctor Who and now it is this. What is it with you and shows involving Time Travel? And, by the way, no. Time is not that bendy. We don’t time travel. At least, not all of us. Some of us have to for our jobs, but only on job related business and nothing else. Otherwise, time is just as much a straight line from one second to the next for us as well as it is for you. I don’t like this...”

Ella hit his shoulder and glared slightly in his direction. “I happen to like the time travel even if it isn’t real. It’s a fun concept. And it’s kind of comforting to know that this wouldn’t just happen to happen.”

Lucifer shook his head. “What’s he even supposed to be doing there anyway? “Stop it” is not a very descriptive thing to say. Stop what and how? Even if you can time travel, you can’t change anything once there. You’d break the world unless it was meant to happen.”

“You’ll see. Now watch the rest, Lucifer. Seriously, this is annoying.”

He pouted. “But I would miss a lot of the episode on aimless rants then and would have to watch it all over again. No thanks. That’s why the pause button was invented.”

“For you to rant? Okay.”

He laughed, shook his head, but he did turn back to the screen and pushed play to watch more of the episode.

He couldn’t push pause fast enough when Dean called his mum a babe. He stared at the screen in horror. “Oh, please, no. No. I had enough of that when my mum showed up in the body of Charlotte Richards and decided the best thing to do to get to know humanity was to dance on the tables in Lux. Not to mention that time she stripped completely naked in the middle of the street by the side of my car because the clothes she was wearing were Maze’s and completely inappropriate for mum to wear! Seriously, it creeped me out so much.”

Ella stared at him then, before covering her mouth. “Oh, shit. You thought your mom was hot?”

“No! I thought Charlotte Richards was hot, not my mum. Talk about conflicted. I swear, she chose that body just to weird me out in every way possible.”

“Including sexually? Eww. Lucifer, that was not something I needed to know.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know? Maybe she actually did do it on purpose. I mean, she was like that you know? I unfortunately inherited her libido...”

“As long as you didn’t actually act on that, I guess the conflicting thoughts would be okay.”

“Oh, eww, hell no. Never. The thought of doing anything sexual with my mum, no matter how hot the body squicks me, seriously. I am beginning to feel physically sick just thinking of it.”

Ella patted his shoulder. “You poor guy. Well, at least she didn’t go around telling you every detail of everything, right?”

He stayed quiet and stared at the screen. Ella actually took the silence and ran with it in the right direction. He was hoping it would throw her off the questions.

“Oh, wow, she actually did. Dude, that’s like way abusive, since you’re her son and all.”

He looked down at the remote. “Let’s just watch the rest, okay?”

She took that hint loud and clear, nodding at him and he clicked play, only to hear Dean state he was going to Hell for his thoughts...again. He huffed with humour at that, but didn’t quite manage a full laugh.

He wasn’t too sure he liked this episode...too many memories.

It wasn’t paused again until the end and he turned it off, staring at the now blank screen.

“I suddenly feel like this show got a whole lot deeper than it was. Now Dean knows that there is a purpose other than opening the gate to Hell to the whole psychic kids thing. So Sam has a greater purpose in everything and it has something to do with drinking the demon blood when he was a baby. By the way, demon blood doesn’t work that way. It’s just blood, like any other creature has. No hidden mystical properties to make one psychic while....oh! Now I suddenly get why Ruby is still around. Sam, no, that’s disgusting...”

Ella grinned. “Haha, wait until next episode, dude. Things just keep getting deeper. You might actually like it if you stop thinking of the angel characters as family and as characters.”

He closed his eyes. “That’s going to be a bit difficult when they bring me into it. Then, shit gets personal. Way personal. Wait, am I played by a guy or a girl? Because I have been portrayed both ways before.”

“Guy.”

“Ah, good.”

“Though you do trick people in dreams in a female form.”

He blinked. “What.”

“Yeah, in this angels can walk through dreams. Is that true or not?”

“Depends on the angel, but not me. I prefer to sleep.”

Ella laughed at that. “Okay. So, tomorrow then?”

He frowned, shrugged and nodded. “Yeah, tomorrow.”

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

He got up suddenly and grabbed her hand. “No, wait. It’s Saturday.”

She stared at him. “Yeah, I know. Has been all day.”

He shook his head. “It’s half past 8. I have a set in a half hour. Stay and watch.”

“Ooh, the voice of an angel, how forward of you, hah. Okay, I’ll stay. But I have to leave after that. I need to get up early tomorrow for breakfast with my younger bro.”

He grinned. “Deal.”

And like the day before, they walked together to the lift and down to the club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Castiel is Autistic. Not going to change it and he will always be Autistic in all the stories with him I write. 
> 
> Headcanon - Mum purposely told Lucifer all about her sexual conquests, because she felt like he was the only one who understood sex like she did. it squicked Lucifer out so hard.


	4. Metamorphosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, warning time. Lucifer does NOT like Dean in this fic. He rants about him a lot.

Episode Four – Metamorphosis

Sundays were going to decidedly get worse for Lucifer.

Or, more precisely, they were going to get a lot more annoying.

Why did he ever decide watching an episode of a show like Supernatural a day would be a good idea with Ella of all people.

Ella, the devoted church goer, who went to her church on Sunday nights because she worked during the days. Who, because she refused to rest on Sundays like any normal person would on the weekends and do fun things during her nights, decided to either not watch on Sundays or drag him to church with her and go back to his afterwards.

Isn’t this sacrilegious? Surely it’s got to be. Dad should really not approve of this.

But here they were, the first Sunday of regular church for him and he was hoping to not be thrown into an even bigger of a low than he already was after having to put up with a priest who kept looking at him near Ella and crossing himself.

Well, at least he knew Ella was going to a good church, since only priests who truly believe and are good people tend to be able to actually tell who and what he was on sight.

Ella said she’d introduce him to Father Maloney next week. Oh joy...

The ride back to his place had been uncomfortable and silent. But, at least he had something to do that would probably give him an excuse to get angry and complain. He was definitely seeing a lot of complaining on Sunday nights from now on.

So, he quickly got the fourth episode up and running, confused over the title.

“Metamorphosis? Okay, who is changing into what? Last time it ended, Dean was going to watch Sam exorcise a demon. Is that it? Sam turning into the king of Hell? Well, it would at least be interesting!”

Ella laughed as he hit play and they watched the Then sequence. “I don’t think that’s it, but it definitely has something to do with the episode. Now shut up and watch.”

“Ooh, so bossy!” he stated, his bad mood oddly lifting. Maybe he wouldn’t hate this episode so much if it focused more on Sam and his awesome demon exorcising powers.

He watched as Sam exorcised the demon and listened to what was going on and his face immediately fell. “Oh no, Sam, please tell me you’re not having sex with the demon. I mean, sure she’s hot, but...possession. That poor person can’t consent. No Sam, bad Sam.”

Ella patted his shoulder. “You’ll learn more about that later on too.”

He pouted at the screen until it showed that Dean had witnessed it and hit pause. “Ooh, okay, now things are going to get messy. I am going to get a drink for this. Want one?”

Ella shook her head, so he went and poured himself a single glass, before joining her back on the couch.

He let it play through the confrontation between Sam, Dean and Ruby, before pausing it again and scowling at the screen. “Wait... Sam is literally saving lives by dragging demons out without hurting the host body and Dean is pissed at him because of it? Why?! Far as I see, Sam is doing pretty damn good work. Isn’t hunting about saving people? That’s what Sam is doing. And doing it in a way that doesn’t hurt the body too.”

Ella rolled her eyes at him. “I don’t think that’s what Dean’s angry at, but oh yeah, he’ll try to stop it all he wants.”

His jaw dropped open at that. “That... okay, my opinion of Dean is dropping.”

Ella blinked and frowned at him. “Why?”

“Sam is doing things Dean doesn’t like, so Dean has to stop him from doing it, because he said so. Dean is turning into John point Two here...”

Ella nodded. “Ah, okay. And yeah, you said how much you don’t like John.”

He nodded and pushed play again, before his Dad could be brought back up.

He paused it again the moment Dean punched Sam. “Okay, yep, I don’t like Dean. Goodbye any like or sympathy I had for him.”

Ella sighed out loud. “Dude, will you quit pausing it like that?!”

He frowned. “Right now I don’t even want to turn it back on! I don’t...I don’t like this...”

Ella hugged his side. “Come on, the angels are what is supposed to make you stop watching, not Dean.”

He slumped and leaned into her side. “True. Fine.”

He switched it back on, sure he would be doing a lot of stopping and starting through this episode.

And, yep he was right. He refrained from stopping at the second punch, even managed to not hit the pause when Dean was reaming Sam off for saving more people without having to kill them because the power was used with his mind. 

He did hit the pause button when Dean said, right to Sam’s face, that if he didn’t know him, he’d hunt him.

He managed to not throw the control against the wall. Instead he turned off the television. He remembered what it felt like to have family turn on him. The damage that kind of shit can do to a person. Hell, he was scarred over his entire body because of what happened to him. The last time anything like that had hurt him as much as it had was when Amenadiel had asked for his help when his precious necklace from Dad was stolen. 

When he was helping, Amenadiel had seemed surprised and grateful and said to his face he didn’t expect someone so evil to help him as much as he did.

Different emotions were being expressed, but the hurt was just as hard.

Because neither he nor Sam was evil. Neither of them deserved Hell yet both seemed to have gotten it.

Okay, maybe Sam was his favourite because he could relate so much to him.

Up to and including a family that says they love him only to throw that in his face every available chance they got.

He let his wings unfurl and turned to Ella. “I’ll be back. I need to not be here right now...”

Ella looked at him with huge dark eyes and nodded. “Okay, I’ll be here waiting for you to get back.”

He nodded, before he went out to his balcony and took off for a fly to clear his head and calm down.

By the time he got back home, he’d been out for two hours. And he still had most of the episode left to go. He honestly didn’t know how he’d get through it, but he wasn’t going to lose this stupid bet because of his stupid family problems.

Ella was waiting for him, the television back on, but the DVD still paused. She was watching Daredevil of all things on Netflix.

“Oh! Hey. You’re back. Enjoy your flight?”

He scowled. “Not really. Let’s just...get this episode over with.”

With that he sat down, aware only after he did he hadn’t brought his wings in again and winced as feathers were pushed out f place. He should rally take a long cool shower too, to help ease his muscles from the unfamiliar workout they just got, but he couldn’t be bothered right then when he was sure to want to just fly right back out the window.

He turned the television back to the right channel and pushed play.

The rest of the story was actually pretty much interesting, but he couldn’t really concentrate on it too much. He liked Sam sticking up for the poor guy turning into the Rougarou. He had been a seriously good guy until the hunger took him, and even then he was fighting it for all he was worth.

He didn’t pause again, because he just wanted to get through the episode as fast as possible.

He didn’t like Dean doubting everything Sam did or said. He didn’t like Travis and the way he worked. He did like Sam sticking up for himself and telling Dean what his problem was.

But a lot of the episode just did not register, even if he did find it interesting.

Damn it, this here was the reason he was in therapy...

He’d call Linda when Ella left. Set up an appointment for tomorrow morning.

“So! It got better on the Dean front.”

He shook his head at Ella. “No, it didn’t. That’s going to happen again and again and again. Even if Sam never uses his powers again, which is hugely unlikely, Dean will never, ever let him forget or move on. That’s not how people like him work.”

Ella sighed and shook her head. “You aren’t giving Dean enough of a chance.”

He shook his head at her before looking away. “You give him too much of a chance because you like how he looks. You forgive him his behaviour. You play it off like it doesn’t matter because he’s fictional. But it does mater. Or maybe I am just way too sensitive about it. So, maybe it only matters to me.”

Ella looked at him then, really looked and he saw when she understood. “Oh. I’m sorry. Maybe I do give him too much of a chance because I like him, but it doesn’t mean I like the way he acts. Dean doesn’t treat Sam well at all the next two seasons because of...well, the demon blood and another reason you’ll find out later on.”

He shook his head. “I’m going to go to bed early tonight. Alone. I just really want to be by myself right now. Sorry...”

Ella shook her head and smile sadly up at him. “Nah, don’t apologise. I get it in some ways. I have four brothers and they’re all pretty protective over me, but not to that point. I’ll leave you on your lonesome to figure out your thoughts then. Night.”

He sighed and nodded at her. “Thanks. Goodnight.”

And with that, Ella turned her back to him and walked to the lift down. She turned and waved at him with another smile, this one not sad, before the door closed behind her.

His flat suddenly felt twice as big and just as empty.

He made that call to Linda.


	5. Monster Movie

Episode Five - Monster Movie

Talking things out with Linda both helped and didn’t. But at least he was in a less shitty mood after having helped the Detective catch the killer they had been after for the past week. 

So, he was in a much better mood than the day before when Ella came around. He was still not sure if he was ready for Dean being a douche to Sam, but he was in a much better emotional place to weather that storm if it happened.

Ella didn’t seem too worried, in fact she had a huge grin on her face.

“Lucifer! Good news! Tonight’s episode is probably one you’ll actually enjoy! It’s a fun one.”

That made him perk up a bit more. He liked when the show went fun. He had enjoyed the episodes with the Trickster, who he was pretty sure was Loki. Yeah, okay, he had a soft spot for Tricksters. He had no idea where that came from, since he hadn’t actually met one in real life before.

“Ooh, really? Like, Trickster fun or silly curse fun?”

She grinned. “More like poking fun at genre fun. Like, the episode is called Monster Movie after the old black and white monster movies. So the entire episode is in black and white. It’s fun!”

He grinned, because that did sound fun and he hadn’t watched anything in black and white for quite a while. They really don’t make television like that anymore. “Hah, I remember good old telly when everything was classed as theater being filmed. It’s so different today.”

Ella nodded at him, before flopping herself down on the couch in front of his television. “So! Want to get started already? Come on, sit down.”

He went and took the seat by her side and reached out for the remote on the coffee table. “Alright, let’s see how this black and white episode goes then!” He pushed play, oddly looking forward to this now.

It made a nice change.

He had to pause it as soon as the Pennsylvania sign went by in, as Ella had so nicely told him, black and white. She hadn’t mentioned the classically old fashioned monster movie music, the stye being that of the classics or even the silly effects like the lightning flashing in the background as the Impala was driven along on a dark and stormy night. 

‘Oh Dad, you’re right. I am going to love this episode. I think I love it already. They’ve done a great job of everything. Why did I not know they would do this? It’s perfect!”

Ella threw back her head and laughed. “I know, right? I grew up with old fashioned monster movies, since my dad was a big fan. This episode was the best thing. At some stage, they also do Scooby Doo and a musical episode where their life is made into a high school play. I am not kidding you. It’s perfection. Oh, there is also an episode which is a Supernatural convention, but you’ll have to watch further to figure that one out. That and the high school musical. It actually makes in canon sense. Even the Scooby Doo crossover, because oh yeah, it’s a full on crossover and it is glorious.”

He grinned at her enthusiasm and looked forward to knowing how exactly the characters in Supernatural could end up at a convention about their characters. It was odd, but sounded absurd and interesting. “Okay, enough with the spoilers, let’s just watch more, shall we?”

She nodded her head and turned towards the screen. For once she was paying more attention to it than his reactions. That also made a nice change.

He laughed out loud when he found out the music was actually playing on the radio in the car. That was a very nice touch between the old fashioned and the new. 

He let out the most ridiculous sound at the transition between the dark and stormy night in the car to village during the day. And Dean’s comment about it being a black and white case. He was pretty sure he’d end up in a very good mood by this episode, which definitely made him feel better about not giving up on the show after last night’s episode, which he had seriously considered.

Oddly, Linda talked hm out of quitting. He thought she would like that thought. She seemed to have gotten it into her head that this show might actually get him to process some of his problems.

Like the way Dean treating Sam was similar to how his parents had treated him...

That had hurt when Linda had him figure that one out. Ouch.

He frowned when the dead body was found with two puncture wounds like a movie vampire when the vampires in the show were so different. “That’s not normal.”

“Nope! Shhh.”

He rolled his eyes, but went back to watching. At least he hadn’t paused it to say that. He wished he had popcorn for this episode. He’d have to remember it for next episode.

He did pause it at Dean’s Rehymenated comments to laugh. Only Dean would find that a problem. He found the whole thing hilarious. He still didn’t like the way Dean treated women like possessions. Which was weird coming from him, but he treated each person he slept with like the individual treasure that they are.

As it was, Ella laughed right along with him and didn’t mind he had stopped it this time. Plus.

He paused it again when it got to the couple in the car, after the boy (he refused to called that guy a man...) tried to get under his girlfriend's clothes without her permission. He stared at him. “Oh, wow, what an absolute douche! He is seriously guilting his girlfriend into sex by telling her he has to have sex or he’d get 'medical problems'? Boy, whatever your name is, that’s what masturbation is for, you dick!”

Ella stared at him for that one. He turned to her and blinked. “What?!”

“It is weird to hear you say masturbation.”

He got confused by that. “Uh, why?”

She shrugged and looked at the screen. “I don’t know, maybe because you have sex like...twice a day. If my counting is right.”

He frowned, even more confused. “Okay...but what does having sex with other people got anything to do with masturbation. And I don’t have sex every day. Just most days. And that won’t stop me from masturbating.”

Ella covered her face with her hands. “Dude, TMI! I really don’t need to know about your sex life, with or without other people involved.”

He shrugged. “Okay, but it’s not like I can lie about it or anything.”

She hit him on the shoulder and pointed to the television. “Back on, now. Before I do bodily harm to your penis so you won’t have any fun tonight at all.”

He took the hint and pushed play.

He didn’t pause it again for a while. In fact he was about to pause it after the chase scene between Dean and the Dracula wannabe when the Intermission sign come up and whatever he was about to say went flying out of his head just in time for a loud laughing fit instead. Holy crap, this episode was marvellous and he was loving it dearly.

In fact, he didn’t pause ti again for the rest of the show, letting it run through with no commentary from him until after the credits rolled. And he loved the theme kept gong even into the end credits, that was a nice touch.

He turned off the show and stared at the screen because for what it was worth, it was a pretty downer ending. Yet again, he understood what it was like to spend your life being called a monster, evil, different, bad, wrong...

He found himself sympathising with the monster having a hard life. That hadn’t given him an excuse to murder whoever he wanted though, and that’s where he and the Shapeshifter differed. Lucifer may be a lot of things, but an unfeeling killer was not one of them. He would kill in defense but that was about it. And it was forbidden to kill humans as it was for an angel. A rule even he diligently followed to the best of his ability.

He knew he had the power to kill though, and he knew there were situations he could get in where he would say screw the rules and kill.

His friends were that important to him.

“You okay? You look like you’re stuck in deep thoughts there, buddy.”

He blinked and looked to Ella. “Oh, no, I’m fine. Just thinking of how different I could have turned out if I had decided to become what people actually thought of me instead of just being myself.”

Ella grimaced at that one. “Yeah, I guess you would kind of relate there. But still, you’re not a monster, Lucifer. Devil you may be, but that doesn’t make you a bad guy. Anyway, I gotta go! I promised a friend I would go have drinks later on this evening. So, have fun.”

He grinned at her and nodded. “You too. Night Ella.”

“Night Lucifer!”

He had no idea what Ella would be doing for the rest of the night but he was now in the mood for some good sex.


	6. Yellow Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell that Ella is going to put together a spoiler policy yet? She does. She makes exceptions most of the time for episodes she remembers Uriel being in. Because Uriel.
> 
> Warning: Overuse of the word Dick. Conversation on the differences between a big dick and a small dick.

Episode Six – Yellow fever

Ella went home with him that Tuesday evening, so the sun was still up which was nice. It meant he had the whole night to relax and get whatever negative emotions the episode might leave him with out the good old fashioned ways. Drink, drugs, sex. 

It was just a shame they couldn’t do it like this every night. Things would be a whole lot easier if they did, that was for sure.

As it was, Ella was almost vibrating in place with a huge smile on her face.

“Yellow Fever, Lucifer, tonight is Yellow Fever. I love this episode. It’s another fun one!”

He blinked at that. “So, fun as in trickster, curse or genre bending fun?”

“Oh, you’ll find that out within the first few minutes of watching, but I’ll spoil you anyway. Curse, totally curse.”

Lucifer couldn’t help but smile at that. Somehow this show made curses out to be entertaining, even when they are horrible and bad things happen. So, he decided this will probably be another good night. “Ooh, sounds like fun. This show always seems to make things fun with curses.”

“Yep! Cursey fun! Even when the end result usually is very unpleasant or leads to death. It still manages to be fun because they find the humour in it. This has some of the most hilarious moments of the show in it.”

Lucifer grinned at the television and grabbed up the remote. "Ooh, definitely looking forward to this one then. Alright, Yellow Fever, here we watch.”

He pushed play. 

He paused it before even the titles appeared because of his little laughing fit.

After he managed to catch his breath, he shook his head. “I mean, I shouldn’t find that hilarious, because it would make sense that Dean would have a phobia of dogs because of the Hellhounds, but really? That little Yorkie is so cute!”

“It just wants some head pats and loving from a human. Of course it would pick the one running away from it. What a fun game, right?

“Hah, exactly! Now I wonder if I should get one of my dogs...”

Ella blinked at him. “Uh, a Hellhound?”

He grinned at her. “Hey, don’t worry, they’d only attack if I told them too. They are well trained.”

Ella looked at him weirdly then, before shaking her head. “I don’t know. I don’t think vets would know how to look after a hellhound...”

He frowned. “Like any other dog, I would think. Just slightly bigger. I mean, they are hounds. Not much different to your Earth kinds, really.”

Ella blinked, and stared at the Yorkie on the paused screen. “Huh, well, that’s up to you then.”

He grinned, nodded and pushed play. This episode was already proving to be a lot of fun. 

He got a bit of a chuckle over Dean being given the heart, and another when Sam got sprayed with blood. Sure, it may not be their first body, but it was their first sit in autopsy.

He didn’t pause at all the reptiles and arachnids that flashed onto the screen at the neighbours house, but he did grin at them. What could he say, he liked snakes. They were just as cute to him as the Yorkie had been. 

Maye he could get a pet snake...

He laughed when the EMP went off in Dean’s presence, worrying him that he was haunted. He had spotted that Dean was already jumpy and was scratching up his wrists, but it wasn’t until then he realised it was definitely the same thing and supernatural in nature.

He paused it and frowned. "Wait...is that even possible? Can people be haunted? Woudn’t that just be normal possession? And Dean isn’t possessed, because unless you count the jumpiness, he’s acting pretty much like Dean.”

Ella turned to him and frowned. “Huh, you know, I don’t even have a clue myself. I don’t know if it’s possible for a ghost to possess someone and not have them act like themselves still. Maybe sometime in season 14, but I can’t remember if it happens otherwise.”

He grinned at her. “Ooh, not caught up?”

She grinned. “I usually wait for DVD’s to come out now, though I do tend to spoil myself. But don’t worry, no more spoilers for you unless you ask and that is way in the future.”

He nodded. “Well, that’s true. Okay.”

He had to stop to laugh uproariously at Sam basically telling Dean he was sick with Ghost Sickness because he was a dick and only dicks caught it. He pointed at the screen, at normal, unsick Sam and laughed again..

“You see, this is why I don’t like Dean and I like Sam. Dean is a dick. Sam isn’t. Proof, right here, that that is true. Sam got hit in the face with direct contact with the bloody spray from the body directly and didn’t catch it. Dean held onto a heart with minimal bloody reside and immediately got sick. Dean is a huge dick. I have problems with huge dicks.”

Ella actually hit him on the shoulder for that one. “Shut up, he gets better!”

“Oh yeah, like the school bully got better? Guy was still a dick, regardless. Proof. Right there in front of you. Guy was still a bully, he just hid it way better. I like this Ghost Sickness!”

Ella stared at him for that. “You do know you’re a bit of a dick too, right?”

“Well, yes, everyone is a bit of a dick, even you, even Sam. It doesn’t target bits of dicks, it targets full on dicks that take being a dick to another level.” He turned the show back on for the rest of the conversation, before pausing it again.

“See! Big, full dicks, not the ones that can be dicks. Dean, regardless of what he says, doesn’t really care about anyone but himself. Sam cares about everyone and just has really shitty ways of showing it, but he doesn’t go out of his way to scare people. He tries to put people at ease. Dean just doesn’t care if people are scared. That right there is dick vs huge dick and huge dick gets sick, small dick doesn’t.”

Ella rolled her eyes and hit him again for good measure. “You’re just saying that because Sam is you’re favourite.”

“No, I‘m saying it because canon just said it and I like repeating the good stuff that proves my theories right. Dean is an asshole, Sam is a sweetheart. Canon proof!”

With that, he turned it on again.

He did wince while Dean was having his hallucinations, but rolled his eyes at the writing changing in the book. Of course his hallucinations would be about him acting like a child. He was a big man child from his very shitty childhood. 

If anything, the show was showing how abuse could show up in different ways in different people. It made Dean hard and self important, much like himself, but it made Sam kind.

And he just realised that he had things in common with Dean and shuddered to himself. At least he tried to do nice things, even if he did end up coming across as a dick because he refused to lie to people.

He laughed and so did Ella at the scene with the cat in the locker. There was just something about Dean screaming that made him feel so satisfied in his dislike.

He paused the show again after Dean hallucinated demon Sam and blinked.

“Oh no. Is it...is it possible to be crushing on something that hasn’t even happened? Why do I want demon Sam? Why does he have to look so cute with yellow eyes. Why, brain, why?” He slumped onto the couch and ran a hand over his face.

“Hah, guess you just like him a little more dickish than normal, and with yellow eyes. I mean, hey, I agree with you. I’d love Sam taking over Hell in the show. I think Sam could do some real good for Hell in the show.”

He blinked. “Huh, maybe. I mean, it isn’t much of a job and there’s a little too much torture for poor Sam to have to do and that would just ruin him but... Nah, leave the torture to Dean and give me non torturing ruler of Hell Sam and I am here for that.”

Ella laughed. “Your crush on Sam is showing.”

He grimaced. “Why I would want anyone to do the job is beyond me. It’s boring and it sucks and occasionally there is actual torture to do, but I mainly leave that to the demons. That’s what they’re for.”

She patted him on the shoulder. “Yeah. Come on, let’s just watch the rest of this. You can lament your crush on a fictional character on your lonesome when I’m gone.”

He grinned at that. “Hah, yes.”

He pushed play again just in time for Bobby to enter it, which made him doubly happy. He loved Bobby. He stated that out loud, even though he is pretty sure his love of Bobby had already been stated.

He paused it again to stare at the screen after all the excitement was over and after the ghost was done with. He pointed at the screen and with as much eloquence as he could possibly muster said what he really wanted to say. “Huh?! What?”

Ella grinned at him. “Oh yeah, those are my thoughts too. It makes no sense, does it.”

“None!” He threw his hands in the air. “I mean, sure the show has so much make belief in it, and some very wrong info on the things that aren’t but... How do scratches magically heal like that without any intervention at all, just because they killed a ghost?”

‘’I have no idea, dude. None at all.”

He frowned. “Well, that sucks. Let’s finish this sucker now.”

He pushed play for the end scene. He didn’t like that Dean was lying to Sam again. It seemed Sam wasn’t allowed to lie to him, but lying back was the best thing since sliced bread. Sometimes he wanted to bash their heads against the other and tell the to stop lying and talk properly to each other, but they were just fictional characters.

He did have a good laugh with Ella at the end credit scene with Dean lip syncing to Eye of the Tiger, that was a great little scene.

And then he turned it off, another episode watched.

“Wow, we’ll be doing this for a whole week come tomorrow. Hah, we started this on a Thursday, which seemed fitting. You know, Castiel and all. So, see you tomorrow?”

He grinned. “Sure! I’ll go down with you. I feel like having some fun tonight and it is not Monday or Wednesday.”

She blinked at him for that comment. “Huh?”

“Slow club nights. I open the kitchens on Wednesdays, but nothing can save a Monday night.”

She laughed at that and held out her hand. He took it and was dragged to his feet by a small bundle of excitable human female. “Well, come on then. I’ll go down with you to the club, but I am going to go home. I’m not staying tonight.”

“Oh, that’s fine. Have fun.”

“Yep, I will.”

He knew he would too.

He hoped the good, fun episodes kept up, but he somehow very much doubted it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - The other reason Lucifer doesn't like Dean is because he shares traits with him. And Lucifer already hates himself. It just snuck in there. 
> 
> Later on there will be a conversation about the difference between relating to a character (Sam in his case) and sharing traits with a character (Dean). Ella replies with her own Star Trek version.


	7. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uriel enters the show. On Halloween. Lucifer is not very happy and admits to what happened with his Uriel to Ella.

Episode Seven - It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

The first thing Ella did when she got to his place that Wednesday night was show off the cheap bottle of champagne she had with her. She went to his bar and grabbed two glasses and filled them.

“I noticed that you are out of champagne and tonight is a champagne night!”

He blinked at her and he could tell that he probably looked just as confused as he felt. “Um, why?”

She grinned widely at him, before taking a sip from one of the glasses and passing the other to him. “Dude, we’re a week into this crazy plan and it’s still going. That needs to be celebrated, even if it is with cheap champagne and another episode of Supernatural you’re probably not going to like.”

He winced. “Oh no, more of Dean being a right bastard?”

She cocked her head to the side. “Um, no, not really. You said the first night that Uriel died and he was the only angel to do so. This episode introduces the show's Uriel. So, a lot of unpleasant memories are probably going to be brought up for completely different Winchester free reasons, though I can’t remember how badly Dean acts at the end of the episode, I’m pretty sure it’s not as bad as metamorphosis.”

He grimaced at that. “Oh great...”

“Yep, so, peace offering and celebration in one. Cheap, horrible champagne.”

He grinned at that. “Yes, bad champagne is definitely the right way to go with this, though whiskey would go down better.”

She laughed at that, before taking her glass and herself to the couch and flopping down. She grabbed the remote before he could get to it, but at least she waited until he sat down before pressing play.

Trust it to be a Halloween episode. This was going to be hard. A Uriel that wasn’t his brother alive and well in an episode played on the day his real brother died.

“Shit, why Halloween? Why this?”

This time Ella paused it to look at him.

“What’s wrong with Halloween?”

“Did I tell you that’s when Uriel died?”

She winced. “Ouch. Shit, this episode is going to be so bad for you...”

“Yeah...”

“Sure you don’t want to skip this one?”

He shrugged. “No. I might miss something important. And there is bound to be other episodes with Uriel in them. Might as well get it out of the way.”

She nodded at that one, pressed play and some guy stole his own candy before Halloween and died from razor blades in them. She handed him the remote after that to do with as he pleased.

He gripped the flimsy piece of plastic like a lifeline.

He did feel better and laughed at Dean's “So vanilla he made vanilla seem spicy’ line. That was funny and he knew people like that. They were fun to play with when they let go.

He curled his lip in disgust at Dean saying he would never followed by a look that said that he would. He may be very sexually active, but he did not sleep with minors. For that matter he didn’t sleep with virgins. No matter how old hey happened to be. He refused to be someone’s first time. Plus, he preferred older men and women who were experienced and knew what they liked.

Yeah, the first problem Lucifer had with Dean and it has so far followed him through the entire series was the way he was with women. It felt like Dean thought he was owed sex for saving a woman. It sickened him, as it was sex out of obligation. 

He preferred sex that was 100% give and take free will consensual.

Dean...did not.

Thankfully, the show didn’t make him a rapist, just creepy.

And looking at underage women in a sexual way was one of those very creepy things.

“Dude, move on already!”

He glared at Ella. “You actually like a guy who would hit on and sexually fantasize about minors. Nice, Ella. I thought better of you.”

She smacked him. “He’s a fictional character and not real and I am not a minor.”

“No, you just like the way he looks and acts. This is how he acts towards women and teen girls. Charming.”

Ella glared back at him. “Like you’re any different, Mr I will have sex with anything with legs!’

He folded his arms and leaned back. “You think? You saw an entire line of people I slept with in a two month basis. The youngest was 22. I don’t do minors. I don’t do teens or children. I don’t do virgins. I don’t do people who aren’t familiar enough with themselves sexually. I don’t do inexperienced. Do you have any idea of how big the line is of people I have rejected sleeping with because of this? No, because you see only the line of the people I have. I have standards. Dean, fictional or not, doesn’t.”

That shut Ella up. And were they seriously fighting over this? Wow. He turned back to the television and pushed play, not really looking forward to this episode at all any longer, even though the witch mystery itself was interesting.

He winced at the butchering of the pronunciation of Samhain.

He smiled when he saw Castiel again and how he took Sam’s hand. He didn’t see it as a rejection like Sam might have thought, it’s just how Castiel knew him as. “Aww, he likes him,” he said, and Ella chuckled by his side.

“They get to know one another without the whole demon blood thing going on later and become closer than just shaking hands.”

“Glad to hear it.”

He hadn’t paused it through that tiny little conversation, so immediately did the moment that the black man in the background got called a demolition specialist. He took a deep breath.

“Okay, no. Uriel saw patterns and was stationed at the Gates, not demolished things. You want something demolished ask Michael, or Gabriel. Gabriel can be full on brutal when he wants to be and people piss him off. It’s a good thing he’s a ball of fun and laughter and joy otherwise. Michael I swear just likes to hurt things for the joy of hurting them...”

Ella patted his shoulder. “So, Uriel didn’t ever try to destroy things?”

He sighed. “Well, he did try to destroy mum and failed, and so he went after Chloe to get to me to get to mum. It was a whole big mess and how he ended up dead...”

“Oh yeah, Stabby Town dagger of soul destruction. You told me. Wait...he went after you and Chloe. Does that mean that you...”

“Killed him? In self defense, yes. He was about two seconds away from using his patterns to kill Chloe and then he was likely to kill mum and maybe Maze for good measure. He said he woudn’t kill me though. The only way to stop him from that was to...well, to stop him. He would have kept coming back. And before you ask, yes it still huts and no, I will likely never forgive myself for it.”

“I wasn’t going to ask, but that’s good to know. And I’m sorry you felt you had to do that to save the people you love.”

He grinned small and sad down at her. "I’d do it for you too, you know?”

She put her head down on his shoulder and sighed. “I’m glad.”

They stayed in silence for a minute or two, before he sighed and hit play again.

He didn’t stop it for the rest of the episode. By the end, he liked this version of Castiel a whole lot more, disliked Uriel even more than he already had from that first visit as a smiter of towns and liked that Dean didn’t go off on Sam for using his powers.

He wasn’t sure how this was going to end, but he did know all the seals would be broken because he knew that this version of him would get out of hell. He wasn’t too sure he was looking forward to that if even Uriel was made out to be a bigger dick in the show than he was in real life.

“Well, I’ll leave you to your deep thoughts. Night Lucifer. And spirits up, dude, another fun episode of the curse kind again tomorrow.”

That did raise his spirits just a bit and he smiled at her. “Thanks. I don’t think I’d still be watching if you weren’t here, and yeah, I may want to quit, but I won’t. I will get through this show even if it feels like it’s going to slowly torture me.”

Ella laughed at that. “Trust me, some of this show can get so bad it feels like torture to me, so hey, I’ll be suffering right along with you there, buddy.”

He nodded and said his goodbyes.

He was still on the couch staring at the blank screen a half hour later, well after Ella had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - I actually don't think the women Dean has sex with are doing it out of a sense of obligation, nor are they underage. Dean enjoys one-night stands and, as far as I can see in the show, so do the women he sleeps with. I have no problem with that at all. I am more with Ella on this one. 
> 
> Note - Lucifer has used sex to get something he wanted before, not just out of fun. Sometimes he's blind to his own faults and is pushing that onto Dean. Lucifer is not as innocent as he likes to think. 
> 
> Headcanon - Uriel the demolition expert had to become that once Michael took over Heaven and Gabriel split. Someone had to do it, and he was chosen. Some other angel took his place guarding the Gates of Heaven. 
> 
> Headcanon - Supernatural's Uriel is a Seraph, while Lucifer's is an Arch. I will forever wonder how good a military strategist Castiel is that he got put in charge of his Garrison after Anna Fell instead of Uriel, who would have been next in rank.


	8. Wishful Thinking

Episode Eight – Wishful Thinking

Lucifer had two tumblers of whiskey on the coffee table ready by the time Ella arrived that night. 

If she had wanted to celebrate the end of the first week, he could celebrate the start of a new one. Thursdays were now the beginnings for this event and he would remember that for the long time ahead of this slow and somewhat agonizing marathon he had gotten himself into.

Personally, he hoped that he was able to see the angels as just characters by the time the show ends, if the show ended while they were slowly going through it.

At least the first 3 seasons had gone by fast and this wasn’t starting at the beginning. No, Ella decided to join in on the fun because of the angels, and especially because of him. Well, the show’s version of him. He refused to quit. He made a bet and he was sticking to it even though he could end a bet if he wanted.

At least it hadn’t been a full on deal. He always had an out.

And now his stupid brain was going in circles.

Ella got there late, with a scowl on her face. “Ugh, today has been all sorts of busy for me. Ooh, drink, thanks!”

She thumped herself down beside him and grabbed the drink in her normal place, before grinning at him. “Thankfully, as I said at the end of last night, this episode is another fun one of the curse kind. So this will cheer me up heaps. Well, except maybe the suicidal teddy bear. That actually kinda blows, but hey!”

He stared at her and let out a disbelieving laugh. “Suicidal teddy bear?”

She grinned at him. “Oh yeah. You better believe that is a thing that happens this episode. So, hurry up and put it on, so you can see for yourself!”

He grabbed the remote and put it on, as per her orders. He had to see how a teddy bear could possibly be suicidal.

He almost paused at the point where Dean took on the case just for the chance he got to see naked women. But he didn’t to save Ella the rant he had gone on yesterday.

He frowned at the couple making out in the restaurant like they were about to strip off and start going at it in the middle of their Chinese food. That was weird. Then the whole ghost helping the woman up and complaining about his mum finding out.

He did pause it at the big foot sighting and the footprints. “Okay, this episode is really, really weird. Just like you said. And kind of fun in the weird way, which I like. But...what in the hell is going on in this town, because it is definitely something and not nothing, but nothing adds up to anything real.”

She laughed and shook her head. “You’ll just have to keep on watching, Lucifer. Trust me, you’ll find out.” 

He pouted, but turned back to the screen. “Yeah, yeah, I know that. Maybe I just don’t like you knowing when I don’t. It kind of sucks.”

She laughed at that. “Aww, I promise not to spoil things in episodes ever again and make sure that it goes better. Unless it was a big thing like Uriel yesterday.”

“Yeah, warnings for Uriel would be nice. I can arm myself with emotional support the day after...”

“That’s what therapy is for?”

“Yep!” And with that, he pushed the play button and got it going again.

He paused it again as soon as the little girl had dropped off her crate and rode herself home on her bike to laugh. It wasn’t the thought of a pre pubescent girl looking at porn, because she didn’t seem into it at all, thankfully. It wasn’t the alcohol she obviously hadn’t tried a drop of. Oh no, it was because of how the boys reacted to her.

Sam and his cute confused face. Dean with his wise crack about her being too young. It was so typically them.

But with the fur, the big foot feet and now this he figured out where the teddy bear came from but... “How is a teddy bear that big and wandering around? What did this girl do? Dump a soul into it? Eww. Is that even possible? Hmm, now I am wondering if it is possible. Huh, I wonder if one of the souls in hell would be willing to test it out and see...”

Ella punched him on the shoulder for that one. “Lucifer, no! Leave the souls alone.”

“But it’s an interesting idea! Now I need to know if it will work.”

Ella rolled her eyes at him. “A little girl who has never seen a soul in her life is not going to suddenly drop one into a teddy bear. For one, she’d have no idea what a soul looked like, or what to do with it if she did.”

He blinked, but had to give a conceding nod to that one. “True. Okay, it can wait until after anyway. Wanna watch?”

She shook her head. “No thank you. I’d prefer no to know what you do with Hell-bound souls in your spare time while you're out of Hell. It’s bad enough with the whole torture shtick when you’re there to work.”

He grinned. “That.. is also true. Okay, turning it back on now.”

He pushed play, interested in knowing what happened to this teddy and it’s possible soul.

He awww’d at the thought of the two boys trying to make the girl feel better by telling her they were teddy bear doctors after she said she thought her bear was sick. That was actually really sweet of both of them.

He paused it again after Audrey said her mum wished that her parents were in Bali so that was where they were. “Okay, suddenly the title of this episode makes all the sense in the world. It’s wishes coming true. Didn’t anyone ever tell this town be careful what you wish for? Wishes are not meant to come true. Usually bad things happen. Curse or no. But this, oh yeah, this is a curse.”

She looked at him with a puzzled look on her face. “Okay, I know I spoiled that one for you already, but how do you figure that?”

“Usually if a wish comes true it’s singular, for one person only. This seems to be affecting the town as a whole, not just Audrey or her family. Unless the teacher at the beginning is somehow related to the girl.”

She blinked and stared at the paused screen. “Huh, not that I know of. Good reasoning there, buddy. You should be a detective.”

He chuckled at that. He didn’t need to be a detective to do detective work. And besides, he already worked with one daily. That was all he needed.

He unpaused it to see what else was going to happen, because he was truly finding this episode fascinating.

He let out a loud “hah!” and pointed at the screen at Sam’s common sense of knowing a wish fulfillment was actually a bad thing with a price attached.

He paused it after Sam sent the invisible kid packing to wince. “Ouch. Okay, that explains everything then. That poor kid. He can’t afford the internet.”

“The internet?”

“Well, he is underage so can’t buy porn mags, can he? Sooo..”

“Oh, internet porn, of course. Well, I will continue thinking him a creep for wanting that as a wish.”

“Creep he may be, but no one is a creep like that without reason. See I can see Dean wishing for something like that, because he just likes ogling naked women. Especially if they’re Asian. But at the same time, even Dean has morals that would stop that, because he prefers things to be consensual, or looks at porn.”

“So you're saying if it was just to look at ladies to get off, you’d say he’d do it, but morals stand in the way? And a teen boy would have less morals about such things.”

He nodded. “True, especially one that can’t find his way to porn. But note no other boy has wished the same thing. It’s just this one. Horny or not. They would have girlfriends, or boyfriends, or know how to find porn and so have no need to.”

Ella winced. “Okay, kind of seeing the point, but still stuck on creeper who would sneak in on girls showering.”

He shrugged. “Point. I’ll shut up now.”

He paused it again after Wes admitted to throwing the coin into the well and the boys were taking him to the restaurant. He pointed at the screen. “Now that guy right there. He is a grade A creeper. All he cared about was that one woman and did everything to get her to fall madly in love with him Mind you, emphasis on the mad part of that. And he still doesn’t want to end it, even though he knows the wishes go bad. Even though he is clearly uncomfortable with it, simply because the woman he had a crush on would have sex with him. Now that right there, that is gross. That is...he has completely taken her free will away. That woman is raped every time they have sex. That woman has no say in anything, because she literally can’t help herself. Hell, that’s the reason I never got with the Detective.”

“Whoa wait, what about you not getting with Chloe being about free will?”

He grimaced. “Yeah, I found out the end of last year that she was literally made for me. As in, no choice, she would love me. No choice I would love her. We wouldn't have even met each other if my Dad hadn't intervened and shoved her in my path. And all this was set up with neither of us knowing it just so I would go for it. But I found out and the moment I did, she was off the menu for me. I just...can’t.”

“Oh shit that’s just....kind of sweet of you and at the same time horrifying. Seriously, she was literally made to love you?”

“Yep.”

“Oh...eww. Wow, here I thought she was massively crushing on Pierce. I want those two to get together since I never knew why you and her never got together.”

“Well, now you know.”

“Yeah. Ouch.”

He sighed and pushed play, really wanting to get off the topic of his failed perfect love.

He paused it one more time right near the end after Wes lifted the coin out of the well when he found out Hope didn’t remember a thing just so he could put his head in his hands and groan. “That arse just made her lose a month of time, because he was too busy thinking with his dick. I...I don’t think I have hated anyone in this show more than I have Wes...”

Ella grinned at him. “Good. He’s what a true bad guy is. And you didn’t change your mind because he lifted the curse because Hope wanted one person dead because of him. She only wanted Sam dead because of Wes in the first place. And oh yeah, it is really gross.”

“Why does the show play it like it is a tragedy that the guy lost the girl? She was never his to begin with.”

“i don’t know, dude. I do not know.”

He shook his head and pushed play again to watch until the end.

He turned it off after the episode finished and grinned. “Hah, finally. Yes, Dean, you remember everything and you'll never forget. About damn time you admitted that to Sam or Bobby out loud. Good. So! You were right, besides all the absolute creepiness of the main bad guy in the episode, that was actually a fun episode about a curse, just as you said. So! Want to celebrate the start of a new week?”

She grinned widely at him and nodded. “Sure! I have nothing else planned tonight. So, Lux or stay up here and get me drunk?”

He laughed at that. “Nah, let’s go down to Lux. I am in the mood to drink, dance and mingle with humanity tonight.”

“Mingling with humanity sounds like a good thing. Come on, you. Let’s go.”

With that, he got up, turned off the television and joined her in the lift down to his club. 

A good episode, good company and a good time afterwards. Tonight was, definitely, a good one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - Ella's spoiler policy. For the moment, she decides on not spoiling things, unless they have to do with Uriel.
> 
> Headcanon - No, Lucifer, just because you retconned yourself to make Deckerstar even remotely work, doesn't mean the huge problems I have with it are gone. The main one being this. Chloe was literally made for Lucifer. She freely chose Dan and Marcus, but with Lucifer, she has no choice. Also, God still intervened just so these two even crossed paths with each other, otherwise they never would have met.
> 
> Headcanon - God still intervened in Lucifer's life in the alternate universe, simply because Chloe exists. The only way an alternate would be free of His influence towards Lucifer's romantic life would be to not make him a girlfriend/wife. Because EWW.


	9. I Know What You Did Last Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer's introduction to Anna!

Episode Nine – I Know What You Did Last Summer

He was waiting for her on the couch, ready with a big bowl full of hot popcorn when Ella arrived that night. She grinned widely at him, as she took her seat and immediately dug in. “Hm, nice. So! I know what you did last summer. Either this one is about Sam’s past High School adventures, or I don’t remember what this episode is at all. So, let’s start.”

He stared at her, before reaching for the remote. After he pushed play, he grabbed a handful of popcorn with his free hand and shoved it into his mouth. He looked forward to learning more about Sam’s childhood, since most flashback episodes generally tended to show Dean's point of view. It will be a nice change.

She smacked him. “Ooh, oh yeah, I remember this. Anna! This is a two parter so get ready for a cliffhanger.”

“Ugh, great...” he replied, letting his head drop to the couch behind him, as he watched a red headed woman in a hospital draw some pretty interesting things on a drawing pad. Having a therapy session with a woman who looked like Alex Kingston. He wouldn’t mind her as a therapist, hah. Of course, he found out only after sleeping with Linda that sleeping with your therapist can get them fired and it is seen as really bad, so it was a good thing he and Linda had stopped the extra payments and stuck with money.

He paused it and cocked his head to the side. “Huh, she can hear the angels and that they are losing. And way to tell us there are 600 seals and 66 need to be broken. Could you get any more cliché, show. Oh, and there I am being talked about bringing the apocalypse. I think people are forgetting something...”

Ella looked at him. “Hmm, what?”

“i don’t bring the end of all things, I bring change. Surely you can’t say life has been in any way remotely boring since I came into your life.”

She laughed at that and shook her head. “Nope, definitely can’t. And change is good! More people should learnt that. And, of course, it’s what a lot of God fearing people fear most.”

He sighed out long and low. “Yeah, that is, unfortunately, very true.”

He pushed play again, because even with the mentions of him, he was finding this Anna woman interesting. Was she a prophet? She could be a prophet. He kept that one silent and to himself.

He rose an eyebrow at her being able to tell demons from humans and grinned as she telekinetically moved the chest of drawers to smack into it. “Hah, I like this Anna! She’s feisty!”

He paused it after Sam shot Dean down about talking how he got involved with Ruby and his flashback to trying to make a demon deal to bring Dean back. He ran his hands over his face. “Ooh, boy, I see where this is going. Dean was the first seal, wasn’t he? I don’t know how, but he was needed in Hell to break a seal. Question is could any Winchester do it or was it just Dean?”

Ella punched him for his questioning. “Shut up and watch and it will be told to you. No spoilers from here on out on big important stuff. Just small details, that’s it. This is kinda really huge plot wise. So, no spoilers.”

He pouted at her, but turned back to the television. “Fine, no spoilers. Still kind of uncomfortable with demons calling me their lord or their saviour or their father. I mean sometimes me and Maze will joke but that’s all it is, jokes. Just...we’re not even the same species.”

“Adoption dude.”

“I didn’t adopt them!”

She grinned at him and put her head on his shoulder. “Who said you were the one that did the adopting?”

He stared at what he could see of the top of her head until he went cross eyed. “Huh. Well, thanks for the nightmares.”

She patted his shoulder. “No problem. You're very welcome.”

With a grin, he pushed play again.

He didn’t push pause again for quite a while, instead getting really into the episode. He liked that Anna wasn’t a prophet so much as she was attuned to angels. It gave a reason why the demons wanted her so badly without giving a really stupid reason for it. it made perfect sense.

He liked how she came out for Sam, even though some angels don’t like him. Of course, some did not mean all. That was good. What he liked less was Dean’s reaction to her The Dean. He did get why the angels talked about him all the time though, if he really was the first seal broken. Maybe the angels tried but got him out too late. 

Poor Castiel must have been beating himself up about it. And, yeah, it did feel weird to think of Cassie as a guy.

And then Ruby crashed the party with the news that the demons had followed them there and were arriving.

And then there was a fight scene he actually enjoyed with a demon called Alastair? One of Dean’s torturers by the sounds of it. A demon Dean definitely recognized, and considering his eyes were white, a really high ranking one in the show. Sam couldn’t exorcise him back to Hell and the demon knife didn’t work.

Then Sam and Dean saw one way out and took it. Jumping out the window.

It wasn’t until he saw a wound being stitched up that he paused it again and spent a few seconds staring at the wound, before speaking. “Huh. Alright, I am really enjoying this episode. That was a great little fight scene but, and I couldn’t help but notice this... the big bad demon Alastair now has the demon killing knife.”

Ella nodded against his shoulder and ate some popcorn. “Yep, that was definitely a thing that happened.”

He took a deep breath and, before he could say anything further pushed play. This episode was flying by, he was enjoying it that much.

He never thought he’d think that about an episode that mentioned angels so much.

He paused it again when Dean pushed Sam about Ruby again. The moment he said he deserved to know more. “Oh, screw you! No, you don’t! You want to know. You can’t stand not knowing, so you’re guilting him into telling you. Uuuuugh, I don’t like Dean and the way he treats Sam!”

Ella blinked up at him, before moving off of his shoulder. He grabbed a handful of popcorn and angrily chewed on it.

“I never saw it that way before.”

He glared at her. “Yeah, well, you’ve never been emotionally abused. I’m sensitive to it.”

She frowned. “Never thought of that, either. Huh.”

He ran a hand through his hair and moaned. “I bet he says nothing about Hell in return, because he’s that much of a bastard.” He pushed play again before he could go off anymore. Only to see Sam fall for Dean's guilt trip and tells him.

He paused it after Ruby killed the other demon and rubbed at his head. “Sam. Don’t drink and drive, you idiot! I get you’re suicidal right now, but no! That’s a stupid way to die.”

Ella giggled at his side. “Hear hear!”

He grinned and pushed play again. Glad that at least the flashback story was interesting and didn’t involve Dean guilting Sam into anything. He hoped the rest of the show stayed that way, though he doubted it. Dean had been like that since episode 1.

He paused it again when Dean showed up on screen asking to know what she taught him. He frowned at the screen or a few seconds and for once, it had nothing to actually do with Dean. “Wait. Did...Did Sam actually know about the Apocalypse beginning before Dean even got back? Oh, he has been holding out on us! Huh. I did not guess that.”

Ella frowned at the screen. “I didn’t actually remember that. Huh, I guess he did, or at least knew that it could happen at least. Huh.”

He grinned. “And that was a lot of huh’s.”

She grinned back and flicked a piece of popcorn into his hair. He plucked it out and ate it, before pushed play again.

He laughed out loud when he realised that Sam was giving a blow by blow account of the first time he and Ruby had sex. “You asked for it, Dean. You don’t get to complain about too much information. You ask for details, you get them!”

That had to be one of his favourite moments so far in the show. 

Ella laughed by his side.

He paused it to laugh at Dean’s apology and thanks to Ruby, because that was hilarious. This episode besides that one Dean moment so far had been excellent. Fun mixed in with actual plot.

He pushed play again until it ended.

He felt sorry for Anna when she found out her parents had died, but was happy that she knew to go to Sam for comfort and not Dean. She asked Sam to make the call, Sam was the one that told her and rubbed her back through the first few seconds of grief, before the angels came.

And then Castiel and Uriel were there, and Ella hadn’t warned him about that at all, but it didn’t really upset him, as the episode finished before anything much could happen and the words To Be Continued flashed across the screen.

He threw his hands in the air, before stopping the program. “What?! That was an awful place to stop it! Now I have to wait until tomorrow to find out how the heck they get Anna to safety.”

Ella looked to him and shrugged. “Told you, man. Cliffhangers. As for Anna, how do you know they get her to safety?"

“Because they must, or it wouldn’t be a two parter. I have no idea how though. This has really been a great episode, apart from Dean screwing up in the middle. I liked the Sam and Ruby flashback, so we now have their back story, I like Anna and her hearing angels. I like Ruby saving people, that’s interesting for a demon! And I get to see this shows Cassie again. Seriously, I like him. Not the whole killing thing, though in this case I get it. Strategic move that sucks, but I get it.”

Ella scowled. “Yeah. Both sides get that.”

He grinned at her. “I am looking forward to tomorrow. And it is Friday and I am singing tonight. Good thing I am in the mood for some music.”

Ella laughed at that, and shook her head. “You're always up for good music. But I can’t stay tonight. Got a date with a nurse.”

He smiled widely at her. “Well, have fun.”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Oh, I will. You too. Gotta go and get ready.”

He nodded and got up to follow her down.

He wished her luck on her date, before going to the bar. He wondered what he would sing that night. Maybe he should wing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unpopular opinion - Yep, I will forever see Dean as emotionally abusive, sometimes going to physical. 
> 
> Headcanon - Dean reminds Lucifer of his mother, because the way Dean treats Sam is very similar to the way his Mum treated him. John reminds him of his dad. Two parent figures in Sam's life and both of them like his parents. 
> 
> Headcanon - I don't know if I have mentioned Lux's schedule properly in this fic. So! Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday are normal nights. Friday and Saturday are all nighters in which he does his sets at the piano and singing. Monday and Wednesday are slow nights at the club. On Wednesdays, he opens the kitchen that was left there from when it was a boxing ring and serves good food and the dancers have the night off. Monday nights bore him at the club, because nothing much happens. The kitchen isn't opened, but the dancers do have the night off then as well.
> 
> Headcanon - Ella is Bi. She is less choosy with women then she is with men.


	10. Heaven and Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lucifer finds out Anna is a fictional sister of his.

Episode Ten – Heaven and Hell

Ella was on the couch by the time he got in. He had been running late due to an interview he had been dragged into that afternoon with Chloe. The Detective saw fit to knock off work at 5 instead of 3 because Dan had the small human that night. He forgot they switched weekends with the child. So, he had to work the whole 9 t 5 shift like most humans, because of being in the middle of a case.

She grinned widely at him. "Part 2, dude! Come on over here and sit down. I got it ready to go.”

He glanced at the screen on his television and grinned widely back. Oh yes, this was hopefully going to be as fun as the last episode. And he’ll find out how Anna ends up surviving, because he knew she would somehow.

He flopped himself down next to her, grabbed the remote she nicely left on the coffee table for him and pushed play on the episode named Heaven and Hell.

“Ooh, do we actually get to see in canon Heaven and Hell in this episode, outside Dean’s five seconds chained up shot of it. Which, by the way, is highly inaccurate unless that happened to him before he died.”

Sh winced at that. “Yeah, memories, got it. Eww. Now I’m imagining that actually happening to him and ugh, nope.”

He grinned and nodded. “Yep, my thoughts exactly.”

He paused it pretty damn quick. “Wait...they consider Anna worse than a demon?! What is this girl?"

Ella shifted beside him "Just watch, Lucifer...”

He stared at her. “Ooh, you don’t want to answer. This is more than spoilers. You’re afraid of my reaction.”

She sighed. “Just...watch it, Lucifer.”

He shrugged and did as she said, turning it back on.

He blinked at the screen during the title sequence. “Wait, did she just banish angels like they were demons? Did she send angels back to Heaven? How?”

Ella sighed. “Angel Banishing sigil.”

He chuckled at that. “Yeah bet that would work just as well as the demon traps. Not at all.”

She grinned at him. "I bet.”

He laughed at Sam’s “Dean, you‘re confusing real life with porn again” line, because he could totally see Dean doing that.

He grinned widely at Pamela being alive and well and commenting that Sam’s arse was tight enough to bounce a nickel off. 

He paused it again when Anna said she was an angel. He frowned. “Wait... she’s an angel other angels want dead for being an abomination worse than a demon? Wow, they don’t even think that badly of me! Harsh. And why the memory problems?”

“Oh, you find that out soon enough. And yeah I thought you would freak when you found out she was an angel.”

He blinked at her with a confused frown. “Why? And who is Anna anyway? Anael?”

Ella shook her head. “Nope. Anna is apparently just Anna. That’s her human name anyway. She goes by that the entire time she’s in it. Oh, and Anael actually turns up in season 13. And is a totally different angel. And helps you out a bit too for that matter. Smart cookie, she is.”

He grinned. “Aww, nice to know my sister has my back. Wait, she’s not evil is she?”

She shook her head. “Nah, just pragmatic. She does what is best for her, even if the best is to be close to you.”

“Huh, okay.”

He pushed play again, feeling better about where this was going. Now she remembers she’s an angel she can... he paused it again. “Wait. She’s human! She aged like a human, if she had an actually childhood.”

Ella nodded. “Yep, keep on watching, Lucifer.”

He sighed. “You’re saying that a lot this episode.”

She grinned at him. “No spoilers on major plot points from yesterday on, remember?”

He moaned, but pushed play again. “Yeah yeah, I remember...”

He paused it again after hearing she disobeyed and winced. “Ouch. Oh, poor Anna.”

“I’m guessing that little worse thing you can do is true then?”

He nodded. “Oh yeah, I said no to Dad and got thrown in Hell for it. I would hate to see what would happen to an angel that said the same thing after me. I wouldn’t be surprised that there is a death sentence hanging over her head. Mum told me there may have been one over mine. I didn’t believe her at the time and still don’t but...my punishment was severe enough as is and Hell only needs one ruler...”

“Then what to do with those who disobey afterwards. Ouch, yeah, I see whee you’re coming from. That sucks.”

“Welcome to my crappy family life. But hey, they got something right, yay...” he pushed play, before Ella could say anything else.

He paused it after the talk between Sam and Ruby about Anna. “Wait, so she ripped out what made her an angel and she became the baby? I...don’t understand this at all. That’s not how miracle babies work. Or angels for that matter. We just are as much as humans just are.”

Ella shrugged. “Yeah, that one never made much sense to me either. And since an angel is their grace in this show, you’d think ripping it out would kill them. But if an angel is in a vessel, they can survive and become human with the body if the Grace is taken out. If the Grace is destroyed though, the angel dies.”

He nodded at that. “Okay, that made sense, it’s just the miracle baby thing that doesn’t.”

She patted him on the shoulder. “I know, man, I know.”

He pushed play again.

And he paused it again not soon after. “Wait, these angels apparently don’t feel things? But.. wait, on the Halloween episode Castiel said he felt doubt. So Heaven has literally put a ban on emotions, here? Like, it’s become immoral to feel anything other than what they’re told. Wow. That’s just...wow, so wrong.”

“Oh yeah, angels can totally feel, it’s just not really allowed much. It really sucks. Any angel that falls in this show falls because they feel too much and can’t just go back.”

Another point hit him and it hit hard. “Wait, angels can’t have sex in this universe?!”

She laughed and slapped him gently on the shoulder. “Trust you to go there. They can have sex...if they are in a vessel and aren’t afraid of being cut off and falling. Because sex without another meaning behind it and just for fun is not a good thing. That doesn’t stop angels from having sex though. Two angels in the show are well known for it, actually.”

He perked up at that. “Oh, good.” He clicked the play button, hoping to get more than five minutes in the episode this time.

Oddly, he felt the need to fast forward through Dean and Anna having sex. It took him a bit to realise that was his stupid emotions and brain mucking up. Instead he looked away. Maybe he should have made popcorn for tonight too, so he could occupy himself with something other than Dean having sex with his fictional sister that didn’t even exist.

“Dude, this is seriously bugging you out. Hah!” Ella stated, a grin on her face.

“Shut up! It’s like watching a sibling having sex with someone you really don’t like. It’s gross. I am not watching that.”

She snorted, but got the hint and stayed quiet. He didn’t look back to the screen again until after the sub par sex music was finished with.

He didn’t stop the program again for quite a while after that, getting into it. Though he did like that Sam decided the best thing to do was use Ruby to get the demons there, while Dean got the angels there and make them fight each other. That was a good, solid, Sam plan.

He did pause it again right near the end though, curious to know if Dean talks about Hell or not, but right before finding out to point at the screen, smiling widely and shouted out a loud “Hah! See, this is why I like Sam better than Dean. He actually listens and decides to allow Dean his privacy when it comes to things like talking of Hell, but with Dean, he can’t stand not knowing and guilt's Sam into talking about everything he doesn’t want to talk about.”

Ella smacked him in the shoulder again. “Shut up and turn it on. I want to see how accurate this next bit is.”

That got his attention and without any further talk, he pushed the play button to finish the episode.

After the conversation was over, he turned it off. “Okay, what parts are you interested in?”

“Not the whole torture thing, I get how that’s different for everyone and a demon’s job, not a human soul’s. No, it is more the time difference I’m interested in. In this 4 months equates 40 years. Is that accurate?”

He grinned and couldn’t help but laugh, before shaking his head. “Nope.”

Ella’s face look relieved. “So the times are the same then?”

He grinned at her, and he could feel the look in his eyes disputed that well enough. Thinking about it too hard sometimes was enough to make him never want to go back, even to escape the mundane human life he has started for himself up here on Earth.

“Nope, the time difference is further apart. 40 years in hell would be 40 seconds on Earth. The true time difference is a year to every second.”

She looked at him horrified. “How often did you get out for breaks? I know you must have..”

He shrugged. “Once every decade or so human time on Earth. Sometimes longer, depending on if things were busy or not. And they usually were. Down in Hell, I don’t generally look like this all the time. I have another face under this one, which is where the stories of the Devil having red skin comes from. Except the truth is more that I don’t have skin any longer. I never healed skin back again after the Fall. The red skin I supposedly have isn’t skin. It’s muscle. Tissue. You see bits of bone in some places. It is not pretty and generally can drive people insane...”

“That...holy shit, I am so sorry!”

He shrugged. “Eh, I’m used to it, but up here I can wear my old shape, my true form, and be happy. Up here, I can be seen and not have people scream in terror. I can do things I can’t when not looking like this. My times out of Hell were filled with as much sex as I could possibly have in a day or so’s time, because that was all the time I got before someone came and fetched me right back to Hell.”

She covered her mouth. “Oh shit, that’s right, you have all the working pats just like a human does. Losing all skin would mean...”

He grimaced at her. “Yep. And may I say owwwwwwww. I tried once. I couldn’t even...”

She held up a hand to stop him talking. “Yeah I get it. Damaged muscles.”

“Yep. Which means no fun.”

She nodded and got up. “I need to go home now and just...not think for a while.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I need to get my extraordinarily perfect arse downstairs for a set I have in half an hour. So, good luck with your not thinking. I have a show to do.”

She grinned at him, but the look for once didn’t seem very happy. “Yeah. Bye.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, tomorrow...”

He waited until the lift had come back up before getting in it and going down to the club. 

He had the feeling she wouldn’t show up for work tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Chloe generally works weekdays from 9-3, so she can get off work to pick up Trixie from school. On days she knows she will be late she either sends Dan, or gets one of Trixie's friends' parents drive her back home and stay over until she gets home. No school bus for this young lady.
> 
> Headcanon - Incest is one of the biggest squicks Lucifer has. It falls even onto fictional brothers and sisters :P
> 
> Headcanon - The adults in that conversation Lucifer has about his parents saying or wanting him dead was actually reversed. I headcanon God did throw him to Hell, but to keep him safe from his mother, who was pissed off about something he did when he questioned his father. His mother told him it was the other way around to get close to him again and keep him second guessing and hating his father so her plan to overthrow Heaven succeeded.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer while in his devil form can't have sex because his penis was also damaged and is just as scarred as the rest of him. Ouch. No, I don't believe he made himself into that, mainly because that was a retcon and I go with what the show originally gave us. Lucifer did not think himself a monster until after he killed Uriel. which means the Fall caused that damage and it is his main form while in Hell.


	11. Family Remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Putting this one up here as well as down the bottom, because people don't seem to understand that it's possible to write something without having that opinion yourself. I don't agree with most of what Lucifer says about Dean in this episode. This is Lucifer venting through a bad night.

Episode Eleven – Family Remains

He was right in that Ella didn’t appear at work, instead calling in sick. Though he knew she would be there that night, same as always, because she made a bet and she would stick it through with him. 

Nothing bad had happened anyway, she had just needed the day off to think and get rid of any bad feelings. Or at least, that’s what he figured out from what little he knew of human emotions. But as it was, he was right about that. He got home from the police station to Ella dressed in her Sunday best. He had forgotten in his enthusiasm to watch more that she was dragging him to church on Sunday nights.

She grinned softly at him. “Sorry. But I promised my priest I would introduce you to him tonight. Don’t make me be a liar now, Lucifer.”

He groaned, but went with her anyway. Why he had waited until the evening instead of going during the day, even though she had the day off was beyond his reasoning.

Unless she had done it for him, which was slightly frightening. Slightly.

Father Maloney though had been very wary around him, as he smiled widely at him while Ella introduced him. Seriously, it looked like the guy was going to ask him why he hadn’t burst into flames as soon as he had entered the church.

It came to no surprise when he did ask how he managed to get himself into the House of God. His answer was a little bit smart, but true.

“Padre, this is a church. Worship dad all you want, but don’t call it his house. It’s not. Trust me, I lived there for a while until I was kicked out for saying no. If this was his house, I wouldn’t be here, even with Ella trying to dragging me.”

Ella had hit him on the arm as she was fond of doing lately and he grinned at her. “Lucifer, be nice.”

“I am nice! Just because the truth is too hard to swallow for some doesn’t make it any less the truth.”

That was obviously when he was called the father of lies. He left in a foul mood after that. Ella dogging his footsteps, as he had driven them there that night.

Now they were once again sitting on his couch with the next episode ready to play. “Family remains? I’m guessing this is a ghost episode.”

Ella grinned widely at him and he was glad to see she wasn’t angry with him for cutting the so called intro short. “This is much more than a simple ghost story. This is actually a pretty damn spooky episode for us poor humans for reasons that will become apparent later on.”

He was intrigued by that as he picked up the remote. “ooh, this sounds interesting then.” He pushed play.

He was slightly annoyed by Dean working them both to the bone, but he understood why he was doing it, as it was a trait he shared with Dean. Drowning out bad things by doing good things you enjoy. Dean enjoyed the job and killing things. Lucifer enjoyed parties, drinking and sex. 

He still felt like he had better coping skills, as he couldn’t get drunk, therefore could he even be considered an alcoholic? Huh, he’d have to ask Linda next appointment.

Would he go through withdrawal if he stopped drinking...?

He didn’t stop it for quite a while, actually, as it focused more on the bit characters, there was little for the boys to actually do. And there was a lot of episode, or so it seemed, that focused on these people from the family moving into the farm house.

He stopped it during the conversation the husband and wife were having, about hoping it a better year. He frowned at the screen and paused the program. “Wait, I know, no spoilers for big things but... what happened here? Not necessarily this family, I mean the last one? I know this one had some tragedy happen but... I suddenly feel like the reason the daughter of the old man at the start committed suicide was a damn good reason for wanting to die.”

Ella grinned at him. “Yep, spoilers. On the upside, this is a one shot and all will be revealed in all it’s gory detail later. Just keep on watching, Lucifer.”

He nodded and pointed the remote at the screen. He lowered it again. “No, wait, what did happen to this new family, and did they know about the murder of the guy who lived there before them? I mean, it’s a locked room mystery to these humans. And there's.... OH. Oh that is clever...”

Ella laughed and shook her head. “Yeah, I think yo just figured something out there. Can we get back to it now, please? Before I die of old age by the time we get to the end of the show?”

He poked out his tongue at her, but pushed play again.

He paused again when Dean threatened to shoot the uncle to keep him with the rest of the family with a gun he didn’t even have. “Oh yeah, Dean needs to kept well away from guns right now. I would not put it past him to start murdering people for pissing him off.”

Ella glared at him. “Seriously dude, what?! Dean wouldn’t do something like that!”

He raised an eyebrow at him. “I am betting there is at least one scene that proves he would.”

She shut up at that one and shook her head. Meaning he was more than likely right. Yeah, his main problem with Dean is he was basically a psychopath with a mission. And the mission has nothing to do with killing ghosts or anything supernatural, no. It was the one lesson drilled into him from 4 years old. Protect Sam.

That was the one thing keeping Dean from going dark side. If he stopped going through what he considers a responsibility, he’d be a psycho killer...

“Ugh, Dean makes me angry. I know his type and they all end up in Hell.”

Ella glared at him and punched his arm. He was so glad he had not invited the Detective to share in these nightly episodes. He’d lose an arm by the end of a bad Dean episode.

He pushed play to switch her anger on something else.

He paused it again when everyone got out of the house after the girl attacked and he stared. “Oh, wow. Huh. That is a twist. I mean I guessed the girl was a kid of the daughter who hung herself, but I didn’t think she was alive because of how pale and washed out she was. She’s been living in the walls. Oh! Sealed off dumb waiter. I feel like an idiot...”

Ella snorted. “Hah, good.”

He pouted at her then pushed play again. 

He paused it again when he found out that the dad of the girl is also her grandfather. “Oh, oh no. Have I mentioned that I have a squick a mile wide about incest? It’s big. Especially with that thing with my mum going on about sex and... Yeah, no. I understand the whole creepy thing now. That...that is just not right and I feel ill now.”

Ella stared at him. ‘Shit, I forgot you said that about your mom, how she’d tell you about her sexual exploits. That’s just... so wrong. Is this triggering you or something?”

He shook his head. “No, not so much as the whole Uriel thing. Or Dean calling his mum sexy. They were more triggery. This is just a huge no, makes me extremely uncomfortable and glad I didn’t end up like the daughter in this episode. Knowing my luck, Mum might have tried...”

Ella stared at him in horror. “Holy shit. I am so sorry. Want to stop or keep going?”

He shook his head. “I’m fine, let’s keep going.”

She nodded as he pushed play again.

He turned it off to stare at the screen in horror. “Oh dad no. There’s two of them? And there’s a boy and a girl and...oh, I am getting a drink, before I throw up.”

Ella giggled at him. “That really is some squick you got going there.”

He glared at her. “Shut up.” He got on his feet and made his way to his bar, pouring himself a tumbler full of scotch. He took a big gulp of it, before going back to the couch. He brought the bottle with him, just in case.

He pushed play, wanting to get the rest of this over with as soon as possible.

Once the episode was over, he turned it off and thought about that last scene, shaking his head. “I have no doubt in my mind he enjoyed it. None. He’s the kind of person who would. And he’s not enjoying it because he was able to turn the pain of Hell into pleasure to torture and kill, he’s doing it because it is what he has always done and enjoyed. Dean is a killer. Only morals drummed into his head as a kid telling him to protect others is what saves them from being just as dead as the supernatural creatures.”

Ella hit him again much harder than before. “Dude, no.”

He glared at her. ‘Yes. He’s Supernaturals version of Dexter, the so called good serial killer, because he only kills criminals himself.

Ella got up then. “Nope, I’m going home because I don’t want you saying anything more mean about Dean tonight.”

He shrugged “That’s your choice. Night.”

She nodded at him but didn’t say any parting words. Instead she just turned around and walked into the lift.

Now, this time he worried she wouldn’t be back tomorrow night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - I don't agree with most of what Lucifer says about Dean in this episode. This is Lucifer venting through a bad night. 
> 
> Note - I also don't think Lucifer's mum would have done anything sexual to Lucifer. 
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer lies about not being triggered because he doesn't understand what a trigger is. It is why he ends up getting into a fight with Ella about Dean at the end. And him needing to drink to get through the episode even outside that.


	12. Criss Angel is a Douche Bag

Episode Twelve – Criss Angel is A Douche Bag

Ella seemed to have forgiven him for calling her fave a serial killer yesterday, which was a good thing, although her mood wasn’t exactly the best. Still, at least she had decided to show up to watch this episode with him.

The first thing that jumped out at him was the title, which had him snickering. “So, I‘m guessing Criss Angel is a douche bag. Douche bag, not a douchebag. Why is it two words instead of just one?”

Okay maybe he was trying to warm Ella back up after a day of the cold shoulder, and it seemed to be working because she grinned at him. 

“Maybe they’d get into trouble writing it down as one word.”

“What, calling someone a Douche is fine, calling someone a bag is fine, calling someone both one after the other is great, but smooshing the two together is just not allowed?”

“Television land. It’s a weird and scary place. Who knows how their minds work?”

He gave her that one, grinning and nodding to her words. “That is true. Okay, let’s watch what this douche bag will do.”

He pushed play on tonight's episode and hoped he wouldn’t be ran out of his home after a fit of temper from the usually so excitable Ella.

He stopped it when the three old guys all called the guy on stage a douchebag together for his utterly ridiculous act to laugh. “Okay, if that is Criss Angel, then oh yeah, he’s a douchebag. It's a magic show bro, not a disco party for you to hog the lights. Though there is nothing wrong with guy-liner. It makes me look fabulous.”

And that seemed to do it, Ella laughed at his side and seemed to loosen up a bit. “Holy shit, I know, right? I’d prefer to watch the old guy doing card tricks than an entitled ass thinking he owns the stage and everyone should bend to his will.”

Lucifer grinned at that. “There are times when owning a stage is good. But only if it is a solo act and no one else is involved, and a magician always needs an apprentice. Or they should have one. It’s a time honoured tradition that should be kept. In which case, she should also share the lights. I doubt this guy would ever share with anyone.”

“Hah, remember the time in Vegas and we put on that show? You only joined the dancers to sing down there with them after you had established them as definitely part of the act, while you mainly stayed at the piano. And it was fun. Hard, but fun.”

He grinned. “I do like to put on a show, but the dancers should be equally rewarded for their work.”

She nodded. “Yep, glad we agree. Push play.”

He pushed play, with a grin on his face.

He oohed when the drunk asshole of a magician at the bar died while Jay got out in time and performed his trick. Which must have failed because of the dead guy. “This looks to be a fun episode. Witches?”

Ella frowned. “You know, I think it’s actually just magic. But real that one of the guys got their hands on, but I don’t really remember.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t remember?”

She shrugged. “Believe it or not, I actually don’t remember everything that goes on in this show. And while this episode is fun, it was pretty forgettable. I didn’t even remember it existed until I saw the title, but remembered it was about magicians.”

He grinned. “Huh, should be just as fun for you remembering then, as it is for me watching it now. It has me intrigued and we haven’t even seen the Winchester boys yet.”

She rolled her eyes in his direction. “Dude, just turn it back on.”

He did so at her word.

He stopped it again. “Ooh, Someone taking Tarot cards to a literal meaning? This guy drops dead from 10 stab wounds and there’s the ten of swords. Nice. So, it is magic tricks being turned on others through a true magic device. It’s a proper tarot set with real magic.”

Ella brightened. “Oh yeah, I remember this now. The magic cards. I don’t remember if they’re cursed or just there to turn magic tricks onto someone else if they go deadly.”

He grinned. “Either way this is fun to speculate about.”

He pushed play again, wanting to see where this episode goes. He liked the fun ones.

He laughed at everyone calling this kid a douchebag. Because he clearly is one. He wondered if he was the one that would die that night. Someone was going to take the death meant for Jay.

He paused it again when The Chief came on screen so he could bury his face in his hands and laugh. “Oh holy shit, I am in love with these old magicians! They’re great! They totally got Dean into a BDSM gay club. Oh, oh please say he stays! This is precious!” He quickly pushed play once he had stopped laughing so hard and had his say, just to see.

He frowned and paused it again shortly after. “Wait...did Dean stay and enjoy the delights of the Chief or did he not? I mean, he was obviously gone for a while. Ooh and there is trouble in paradise for Sam. Not into the demon blood much right now. And I still don’t know how that is supposed to up his abilities. He must have been born with them, they can’t just magically appear for no reason.”

Ella grinned. “Big spoilers, Lucifer. Not telling.”

He pouted and pushed play.

He grinned as the douchebag kid did end up dead by the rope. “What card was used for this? Fool card?”

She grinned. “Wait and see. Because I don’t remember specific cards.”

He did wait until the card was revealed and paused. “Ooh, Hanged Man, hah, of course. Well, he was hanged, so taken to the literal name, but not what the card means.”

Ella laughed. “I don’t think the actual meaning means much. It’s a magic deck of tarot cards to be taken literally.”

He frowned at the screen. “Wait...what would happen if the death card was used? Would they be stripped of all skin down to their skeleton? Wow, what a way to go. Ew. And ow.”

Ella shuddered at the imagery. “Thanks a lot for that imagine in my head, Lucifer.”

He grinned at her. “On happier news, at least Dean is talking to Sam like a person this episode. And with the life they lead, I am amazed they got to 14 seasons. Because yeah, they should be dying young. Wait, does this mean Dean made it to 40? Huh.”

“Well, he was 26 first season, so yeah.”

“Good for him.” He pushed play, because it also means it was likely Sam wouldn’t reach 40.

He laughed as Jay got out of the ropes and disappeared. He really liked Jay. 

He frowned. “Wait, what? How did he live and get young? That...resurrection? What card did he use to grow young again.”

“Shh, just watch.”

He didn’t turn it off for the rest of the episode, which ended on such a downer note he felt sad about it. He switched off the television and stared at the screen.

“It’s weird.”

Ella looked up him, confused. “What’s weird?”

“How short your lives are. Weird and sad. And I just realised that I’ve never actually had human friends before. You’re all going to grow old and die and I’m not. I’m going to go on and live and stay young, because it was the way I was made. No magic, just plain natural immortal lifespan.”

She stared at him. “Wow, Lucifer, deep.”

He grinned at her. “Shut up. I’ve only ever really dealt with death in...well weird ways. A brother I killed to save mortal lives. And of course, all the already dead souls I could stomach in Hell. Death is not a natural part of an angel’s life. Unless you’re Azrael, and even then it’s just a job to her. I have no frame of reference until one of you dies.”

Ella was suddenly hugging his arm. “Aww. Well, for what it’s worth, us humans? We grow up and learn about death pretty early in life. Through a pet, or a relative or friend. Accident or age. We all die. That’s what’s natural to us. We fear death but we also know to not die would be wrong. It’s why the witches and humans who do things to stay young or immortalize themselves, both in this show and every other show and book and everything else under the sun that has it, are considered the bad guys.”

He nodded at that one, then let out a sigh. “Just so you know, I hate Mondays.”

She laughed at the sudden switch in conversation. “Dude, everyone hates Mondays.”

He sighed and shook his head. “Slow club night, Mondays. I am going to go drink the bar in Lux.”

She hugged him harder than she had been before letting go. “Well, have fun with that. I am going to go home and read Harry Potter.”

He blinked. “Huh, of course. Voldemort.”

She grinned. “Yep. Point taken. Go and think. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that she got up and left.

It took him a half hour before he got up off the couch to go down to Lux.

This show was going to make him think of things that aren’t very pleasant and natural for him.

Life with humans was going to hurt. A lot. But he wouldn’t give up his friends for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Dean totally stayed for a fun session with The Chief. Yes, I see Dean as Bi. Also with many kinks.
> 
> Headcanon - Even working with dead bodies for a hobby, Lucifer doesn't actually understand how death truly affects other people. The death of Uriel hurt the entire celestial family and not one of them knows how to deal with it.


	13. After School Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte joins them for the episode and is very confused.

Episode Thirteen – After School Special

Ella showed up early that night, to his horror bringing Charlotte with her.

He blinked. “Umm, hi. This is unexpected.”

Ella grinned widely at him while Charlotte stayed by the lift, shifting from one foot to the other, as if afraid she’d get booted out by him if he got mad enough. 

“Well, Charlotte was in the lab today looking at evidence for a case and I told her that after work everyday I come here to watch Supernatural to learn more about real stuff instead of fake stuff and to hear you complain about how much of an evil bastard Dean is. She asked if she could come.”

He blinked. “Umm, sure. I have no problem with it. I just would have liked a bit of a heads up first. Have you watched any of this show before, Charlotte? Because this season opened up the can of works which is the war between Heaven and Hell in the show. In actuality there is no war. I don’t even know where humans get that idea from...”

Charlotte walked over to them, now that she knew she was actually invited by him and not crashing anything special or whatnot. A smile made it onto her face and he had the thought that she had a nicer smile than his mum ever had, even while inhabiting her body.

He shoved down the sudden urge to hug her.

“No, I’ve never watched it before, but I have heard of it. So what should I expect?”

Ella looked at tonight's title and grinned. “Okay, this episode is one with flashbacks in it. It’s mainly Sam focused. It’s a ghost episode based in one of the schools the boys had to go to when he was a teen.”

Lucifer grinned at this. “Ooh, going back to a good old fashioned ghost hunt! I thought that would have been two episodes ago until the twist in the middle. We haven’t had a ghost since, what, second episode. And even then, it could be argued that that was more than just normal ghosts.”

Ella nodded. “Oh yeah, get ready for the show to shift focus to mainly Heaven or Hell, because it will focus on them both for...well, a long time. Most of the time, in fact. Season seven has other main focuses for parts of it, but still have Heaven or Hell as a focus. Though, mind you, season seven focuses more on Purgatory.”

Charlotte perked up her head. “Wait, Lucifer is any of this true?”

He shrugged. “A lot of it, no. And you’ll be able to tell what is true or not from your own Hell experience from that side of the story. But the show is still fun. Ella is waiting for me to rage quit when my sunny self walks onto the screen. Because, Devil.”

Charlotte grimaced and nodded, before walking over to the couch and taking a seat. Ella flopped herself down on his other side and grinned at the screen. “Come on big guy, start it already!”

Rolling his eyes, Lucifer pushed the play button to get the episode up and rolling.

“Wait, what’s that?” Charlotte said, not knowing that there was a pause rule going where it was okay to pause whenever. He hit the button and stared at the black gunk rolling down the girls face. “Huh, I think it’s ectoplasm. Wow, okay, yes, this is definitely a ghost!”

Ella held up her hand. “Wait, that’s actually what ectoplasm looks like?”

He frowned. “Well, it depends really, on the ghost and whether or not they’re from a good or bad soul. This one is from a bad soul. Someone is trying to skip Hell.”

Ella frowned. “Well, the spirit did just kill someone, or at least, really hurt someone. That was way too quick for a proper drowning.”

Then Charlotte frowned. “It’s a school too. Ex student is my guess. Probably with a history of bullying.”

He grinned at Charlotte. “Ooh, I like you. Yes, that’s what I think as well.”

They sat in silence for about 15 seconds, before Lucifer switched it back on again.

He quickly turned it off at the moment Dean as a gym teacher came on to stare for two seconds, before erupting into laughter.

Ella and Charlotte just stared at him for that, until he finally got himself under control and stopped, settling down for a light giggle instead. Not that he’d ever admit to giggling, of course. It was just the most hilarious thing he had seen on the show. 

“Dude, do you mind laughing at the sexy red shorts of Dean Winchester,” Ella stated.

He managed to not burst into another round of laughter at that one. “Sexy? Dean has never looked more like a dork than he does right now. It’s brilliant is what that is. He’s trying to be all tough and comes across looking like he should go back to the chess club. Those shorts are the worst thing he has ever worn.”

Charlotte leaned over him to talk to Ella. “Does he normally pause to laugh at costumes?”

Ella shrugs. “Not costumes, no. Though he will pause for anything he finds funny to laugh at it, because that’s what he does. He pauses. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to miss anything, but if you ask me, he does it because he knows it’s annoying.”

Charlotte nodded and grinned at that. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”

He pouted over their heads. “Okay, can we stop saying mean things about me while the bullying episode is on and let me push play again?”

Charlotte sat back up and patted his shoulder. “Of course dear. Have at it.”

He pushed play, scarily reminded of his mum right now.

He chuckled for a few seconds over the “The whistle makes me their God” line and Sam agreeing with his assessment on the shorts.

He paused it again after the talk in the closet to smile triumphantly. “Oh, yes, finally. Rejected by the girl he likes for being an arse about everything important and normal. Now, that is a sensible girl. And one who better not break curfew to sneak out to watch I Spit On Your grave with Dean Winchester. Girl, you can do so much better.”

Charlotte blinked at him. “I take it you don’t like Dean?”

He grinned at her. “I am a Sam Girl. I hate Dean, especially his behaviour towards Sam.”

Charlotte looked to Ella. 

“Oh yeah, this is normal for him to do. Get used to it if you stay. He does it a lot.”

Charlotte frowned, but shrugged, leaning against his side. “Why do I have the urge to smack you?”

He looked down at her innocently. “Umm, maybe something to do with left over feelings from mum?”

Charlotte smiled at him. “Hmm, that would explain it. Now, be nice to your friend.”

He looked to the screen and slouched a bit. “Mum!” He froze after saying it, his eyes widening with having just said that out loud. “Um, I mean, Charlotte.”

Ella laughed at his other side and leaned against him as well. He suddenly felt like the meat in a woman sandwich. Usually this would be giving off entirely different vibes than it was right now.

“Aww, you’re so cute. You still think of Charlotte as your mother.”

Charlotte looked at him thoughtfully. “Hmm, you need a mother.”

He looked down at the floor. “Shut up and watch the show.”

He pushed play again to shut out the suddenly awkward take the conversation had gone.

He pushed pause again after the conversation with Sam from the past and his teacher. He stared at the screen and sighed. “Oh, Sam... You tried, kid, you really did try. But, naturally Dean just drags you back in. And don’t even get me started on your father...”

“Lucifer, you do realise they're fictional characters, right?” Charlotte asked.

He glare at her. “Of course I know that! They’re on my screen right now in a flashback to the past. Of course it’s a fictional show, with fictional people. It even has a fictional me who is probably going to be running around soon enough. I’m not stupid.”

Ella grabbed his arms and hugged it to her side. Charlotte sighed loudly. “Then why are you talking to a character on the screen.”

“Because sometimes I do that or otherwise I’d just end up screaming. I mean, Dean shares some traits with me, and I kind of hate that about myself, but Sam I actually identify with. So, yes, sometimes I will pause to talk to fictional characters. And no, you’re not going to stop me.”

Ella hugged his arm tighter and laid her head on his shoulder. Charlotte seemed to let it go. She nodded and turned back to look at he screen. He took the hint and started it up again.

He paused it after the talk about the bully being bullied and of the father keeping a lock of Dirk’s hair in the bible on his busy. He closed his eyes and rubbed at his forehead. “Can someone please explain why this guy just told two strangers that he keeps a lock of his dead son’s hair in the bible on his bus? Please? Because it is making zero sense to me.”

Charlotte shrugged. “It’s normal for people grieving to keep small things of the deceased. Lock of hair, a favourite item or toy. It’s normal.”

Ella grinned. “That’s not what he’s complaining about. And don’t worry, Lucifer, I agree with this one fully. It makes no sense, that he’d tell two strangers exactly where he keeps what he has left of his dead son."

He nodded enthusiastically. "I am glad that Sam shows remorse here. He tried to stop a bully and ended up starting the kid being bullied further than he already was himself. Are kids really this cruel? I knew there was a reason I don’t like kids. They make my skin crawl.”

Ella laughed. “Kids can be cruel, yeah. Most bullies are also usually from troubled or abusive backgrounds. It happens. Some are cruel to be cool and fit in. Others don’t really care about things like that and are okay.”

He grinned at her. “Let me guess, you were okay?”

She snorted. “In a Catholic girls school? Hell no, I was a little Hellion.”

He laughed at that, and so did Charlotte. 

“i was the one trying to be cool. I asserted myself as an individual and strong as I could be on my own after I left high school and entered the adult world,” Charlotte stated and he could very much believe that. She was still like that.

He sighed. “I just did my own thing and look at all it gave me.”

Ella hugged his arm again. “Aww.”

He grinned. “I try to be caring and nice and all I get is a bully label.”

Charlotte ran a hand through his hair and he relaxed into the touch. He pushed play before the M word came out of his mouth again.

He paused it again after Sam was fully accepted into the school by everyone, while Dean was rejected for trying too hard and ended up looking like an idiot instead. He sighed and shook his head. “Figures. The one place Sam fit in and was accepted and he had to leave, because of his family dragging him away. That does explain why Dean hated the place though. First taste of rejection was from a girl who knew who he was and wasn’t angry at him for it, but felt sorry for him instead. Sam was the hero to that school, while Dean was the nothing Sam had always been. Why does that make me sad?”

“Because Sam was forced to leave?”

He sighed again. “Yeah, that sucks. And now Sam finally gets to talk to that awesome teacher he had.” With that said, he pushed play for the last scene.

He winced and turned it off as the episode finished. “What is with this show and suddenly throwing downer endings at me? Why? Of course he’s not happy! He’s got heaven after him, he’s got Hell wanting him to be some kind of boy king. He’s got a demon paramour he sucks the blood out of even though he doesn’t want to. He’s got psychic powers that make his brother hate him... No! Sam is not happy. He’s utterly miserable and was forced back into the life by Hell. Just....ugh, I’m going to go out. Like right now, before I start doing something I will regret.”

Ella poked him in the side. “Go fly. Clear your head.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, I will. I’ll leave you two to find your own way out. You know where the lift is.”

With that said, he got up, walked to his balcony and let out his wings to take off for a fly to do as Ella suggested. 

He was getting pretty sick of downer endings and hoped for a better one for next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - Those shorts Dean wears in this episode is both the worst and best thing ever XD
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer still gets confused over Charlotte not being his mum anymore and sometimes still calls her that. Except he finds Charlotte better at the role than his actual mum and prefers her in the role. 
> 
> Headcanon - Charlotte still feels maternal towards Lucifer and Amenadiel because of holding their mother for so long. She knows she isn't actually their mum, but because she is banned from her own kids, she will take what she can get.
> 
> Headcanon - This was the first time Dean actually did have problems with high school kids, especially of the female variety.


	14. Sex and Violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuuugh, my computer is slowly and painfully dying on me. I haven't been able to get into much at all for the past few days. Boo. But, yay, my comp decides it wants to work today. Slowly, but working. 
> 
> As a gift I give you this mess of a chapter. I hate this episode because the show couldn't just have Dean actually be interested in men and have it stated out loud. Nope. Instead this episode makes me think that Dean wants to actually have sex with a brother and I am NOT an incest shipper. Wincest squicks me, but I do enjoy the Wincest jokes when it comes to fanfiction and Supernatural in the show. I took the siren as to mean sexual desire, not desire as a whole. I am probably wrong there, but it is how I saw it.

Episode Fourteen – Sex and Violence

Lucifer's face lit up in a huge smile when he saw the title to that night’s episode. And yeah, he wondered if there truly was sex in it. Hopefully involving Sam. Dean always had sex. Sam deserved a little under the covers fun every now and then too.

Ella sighed and stretched out on his left side. Charlotte had decided to not come over that night, so once again it was just the two of them.

He wondered if he had scared Charlotte away by calling her mum the night before. He hoped not, as it had been fun to add another person in on the fun of getting to bitch about how much it sucked to be him. Or the Winchesters as the case may be. Especially poor Sam.

“Oh, this episode I remember. And it’s one of my least favourites in this season. I am expecting a lot of whinging from you too. And probably some giggling like a schoolboy will be included. Because sex is very much a thing this episode. Obviously, as it's in the title. Also, it definitely implies Dean is into guys as well as girls.”

He grinned at Ella, taking up the remote but not hitting play just yet. “You know he totally was into that whole Chief thing in the magician episode. It was so obvious. Dean is bi and just can’t admit it to himself because otherwise it would have probably gotten him a beating by dear old John. Wow, I almost called John Dad for a second and didn’t mean it as my dad...that would just seem weird to me. Is that weird to you?”

She stared at him, her jaw hanging slightly open. “Dude, do you ever shut up? What’s got you so excited anyway?”

He shrugged. “I ate a bowl of very sugary candy earlier that were nicely sitting on a table for eating at a witnesses house. I may be slightly high on sugar.”

She groaned and slumped down in her seat, before running her hands down her face in what he could only assume to be tired resignation, considering the look in her eyes when she turned back to him. “I don’t want to know how bad you’re going to take this episode...”

He shrugged again and pushed play. Nothing with a title with the word sex in it could go that far wrong, could it?

It was a long time before he paused it, or so it felt anyway. It was after Sam and Dean had talked to the guy who murdered his wife for the stripper named Jasmine. He cocked his head to the side and frowned. “You know, it still really bugs me that most clubs that have exotic dancers working for them actually pawn the women off for sex. Or extra money. It makes no sense to me! Exotic dancers are supposed to be there to dance and look good and be looked at. it’s what a lot of them actually like about the job. But a lot of them are forced into sex work they’re not interested in, because the club owners wants more money.”

Ella looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “What’s your policy for your dancers, then?”

“Look, don’t touch. Quite a few of my girls aren’t into men at all. A few of them are happily married. And before you ask, yes, the husbands or wife in one case, know what their significant other does for a living. I enforce that rule strictly. No one is going to be hurt sexually in my club. No the workers anyway, and I do try to stop it in clients too. Anyone who tries gets banned for life. And I put their pictures and names if I have them to all other clubs to bar them from ever doing so again. I do not like coerced sex, or rape.”

Ella smiled widely at him and snuggled up to his side. “Yeah. You’re a good guy like that. Who knew the Devil was better than quite a lot of human men out there. And quite a few of the women too.”

He frowned. “That’s nice to know, but doesn’t stop it from happening. An without solid proof the police won’t do anything.”

She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. “That is unfortunately true. Come on, push play. This is kind of not doing much for me right now.”

He nodded at that and pushed play again.

He paused it a short time later to grin widely at the screen. “Yes Sammy, have a little fun with the lovely lady. She’s smart, she’s hot and she’s interested in you. Hah, Sam is so much more the type to not just fall into people’s beds, that I like it when he let’s go and has sex. He’s letting go of the mess that was Jessica’s death. And he is interested in sex.”

Ella threw back her head and laughed at that one, but nodded. “Oh yeah, that’s one thing I will wholeheartedly agree with you on when it comes to the Winchesters. Dean is the woman in every port guy, while Sam is the can live without sex but still enjoys it when it happens guy. Both can be fun and I am glad not both of them are horn dogs like Dean.”

He sighed at the thought. “I admit it, that's one of the things I share with Dean. Voracious sexual appetite.”

Ella snorted at that one. “Yeah, well, you’re not wrong there. And yet I still feel totally safe with you sexually. Like, I know you won’t try anything and I’m not interested.”

He grinned down at her head and shrugged, moving her body with the movement. “Like I said before, coerced or forced sex is very much not my thing. It goes against everything I stand for.”

She smiled. “Yes, your the embodiment of desire. I think one reason why it doesn’t work so well on me is I prefer women over men. Not that I don’t like men either, I just prefer women.”

He smiled and lifted the remote. “And that, Ella, is something we share in common.” He pushed play.

He stopped it after Dean’s line about being cock blocked. “And this is why I don’t like Dean. He believes he should be entitled to sex because he is a big, strong man, and therefore perfect mate bait. Strutting alpha who can’t stand when a woman he’s attracted to doesn’t look at him, or prefers Sam over him.”

Ella shrugged. “Okay, you don’t like Dean’s attitude towards women. But, we’ve had that conversation. Let’s not go into it again. And this is no teen girl.”

He blinked at her. “Huh, it didn’t actually cross my mind. This Cara is obviously not a teen. She’s holding down two very respectable jobs at once, and still has fun nights. This woman is a joy and Sam should feel lucky and not let Dean knock him down for it.”

Ella rolled her eyes up at him. “Okay, shut up and push play. Enough about Dean and women.”

He grinned. “Why do I think a lot of this is going to come up in the...wait, you said definitely implies he's into guys as well as girls.”

She grinned. “Yep, I did.”

“Huh, I now look forward to seeing where this goes.”

She grimaced. “I am so not looking forward to the end of this episode. Like, at all.”

He shushed her and turned it back on again with the tap of the play button.

He rolled his eyes and groaned at how happy Dean was to be on a case involving the need to go to a stripper bar. “Nope, still awful when it comes to objectifying women, don’t care what others say about it.”

Ella punched him and gave him a shushing of her own.

He laughed at the attitude the club owner gave Dean. And also how he called his dancers, exotic dances and not strippers. Everything else about him was a bit off, though. How does he not care about the dancers at all, outside them getting him money for the club?

He paused it after the siren got the young guy to bash his old mothers brains in. His nose wrinkled up and he stared at where the siren had been. “Wow. What a bitch. Also, I don’t see how she was beautiful in any way. And eww to what it really looks like.”

Ella frowned. “So, sirens aren’t real, I take it?”

He shook his head. “Used to be, but they died out. Also, those shipwrecks generally were because people were idiots in their boats. But it wasn’t so much a sex thing as an eating thing for sirens. Carnivorous diet. Easily led men. What better food source?”

She laughed. “Eating guys who shipwrecked, regardless of whether the siren caused it or not. Nice.”

He nodded, before yawning. He blinked. “I really need to eat something. Hold on a sec...” He got up and made his way to the fridge, getting out some cheese slices. They were cheap but better for sandwiches than cutting a block. He didn’t have the patience for that. He handed some over to Ella and started munching on his own.

He pushed play again while happily chomping down on his snack.

He paused it again when Nick started going on about the impala and buttering Dean up and laughed so hard, he almost fell off the couch. “Oh! Oh wow, you weren’t wrong about this at all! That’s the siren and he is so a man and everything Dean desires. Oh, this is a wonderful and beautiful event in the history of this show!”

Ella sighed loudly and shook her head. “They totally ruin it later, but oh yeah.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. Of course the show would find some way of ruining a man liking another man sexually. Of course, that just couldn’t happen on this show. It was absolutely forbidden. Of course. “Aww, I hate homophobic people working at television stations thinking kids will get infected with the gay or whatever from watching two people who like each other and happened to be the same gender on television. It’s stupid.”

Ella laughed and sat up. His side suddenly felt colder without her lounging on him. “Dude, after we are done here, I am so getting you to watch Steven Universe with me. Most of the relationships in that are same sex. You’ll love it.”

He lifted up an eyebrow. “Oh?”

She nodded excitedly. “Yeah, it’s also a kid’s cartoon aimed at preteens. Adults fell in love with it too, though the animation, especially early on gets a little weird and wonky.”

“Duly noted. Can I get through 13 seasons of this first.”

“14, Dude, 14 seasons of this.’

He grimaced. “Oh, joy.”

She laughed and urged him to push play again, which he did shortly after. She leaned back against his side.

He paused it again after the fade to black when Sam and Cara got busy to grin widely. “Yay, Sam, you have some good sex with the hot smart chick and have the fun both of you want. And may I say, I really like this woman? She is so much better for you than Ruby is. Have sex with the demon all you want, Sam, just not on camera anymore, no matter how hot the meat suit is.”

Ella laughed and shook her head. “You’re ridiculous when it comes to Sam.”

He shook his head. “No, I'm ridiculous when it comes to Sam and happiness. He deserves to be happy and hasn’t been much at all through the show so far, and I have the feeling that is just going to get worse and worse and worse.”

Ella sighed into his shoulder and nodded against him. “Well, you’re not wrong.”

He sighed and pushed play again. Maybe soon he will see how this battle between the siren and the brothers was going to...

Oh, shit.

Yeah, he wasn’t going to enjoy the end of this episode at all.

He paused it again to glare at the television when it was apparently Dean’s desire for a brother that got the siren on his arse as a male. “Oh that... oh, I really get where you’re coming from with hating this end. This is just...I have no words without spending all night ranting and I will save both of us from that. Because I do not have the energy tonight."

Ella stayed quiet for once. “Just...push play and get this over with, please? I hate the end of this episode.”

He snorted. “You hate it because it upsets your dream about Dean. Well, this is what Dean wishes. He desires a brother.”

She sighed and sat back up. “Shut up and push play.”

He sighed back, seeing how she was both sad and a little angry, but went ahead and did as he was told.

He waited until the end of the episode, before turning it off and getting up. “And now I am going to bed, because I am crashing and I don’t want to be awake anymore.”

“You really don’t like Dean at all, do you?”

He shook his head. “Not one tiny little bit of him.”

She groaned out loud for that one. “Well, I’ll let you go to bed then.”

He grinned. “I’ll probably be up by the very early morning, but hey. I am just...tired. Sugar crash mixed in with that absolutely shit ending. I’m sorry, but whether or not Sam meant what he said, and I am sure he did, Dean meant every single word he said too.”

Ella sighed, shook her head and made her way to the lift. “Night Lucifer.”

He yawned and waved goodbye. “Night.”

He went to bed too tired to be angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - Lucifer doesn't know that the demon blood is an addictive substance yet. 
> 
> Headcanon - Sam generally has to have an emotional connection to someone before he has sex with them. Cara is one of the few exceptions. She is just someone to let go and have a fun one night stand with. Am I the only one for Demi Sam?


	15. Death Takes A Holiday

Episode Fifteen – Death Takes A Holiday

Charlotte once again joined them, which probably was a good thing. He honestly didn’t know how he would do with just Ella if another episode like the last night's happened, without the added sugar crash to ease the way to early sleep to try and get over it. He was still feeling brittle. He felt like he was going to feel that way for a good long time. 

He shook his head clear of such thoughts and grinned at Charlotte. “Hi! You’re joining us again tonight, I see.”

She nodded back at him and smiled. “Yes, I am. Dan has Trixie for the night, and I had nothing else to do.”

He shuddered in mock horror. “I don’t want a blow by blow account of the sex you’re having with him, thanks. Please no.”

She frowned and her eyes scrunched up with confusion. “Why would I tell you of that?”

He blinked, before a blush slowly made its way over his cheeks. “Umm, never mind. Hello Ella.”

Ella flopped herself down on her usual seat. “Yeah, hi.”

He winced. She was not in a happy mood. “Sorry for the past few nights. I’m hard on your favourite and I know it but I just can’t like him.”

She smiled a small smile up at him and shook her head. “That’s not what’s got me upset. My little brother just went back to Detroit. I had to find out in a letter he sent me.”

“Oh. Ouch, sorry.”

She nodded and went back to staring morosely at the television. Tonight’s episode title there in all capitals for them to see.

“So! This Death is Tessa I take it? She’s the Reaper we have met. She reminds me of my sister Azrael. She’s a good kid, really. Just stuck with an unfortunate job and reputation.”

Ella sighed and nodded. “Can we just get this over with. I just want to watch an episode of the show, bitch about whatever and then go home and wallow more.”

He grinned. “Well, I am sure I can definitely manage the watching and the bitching. I think I have done my wallowing though, for the time being anyway.”

That got a real smile out of her, thankfully. He sat down and grabbed the remote, as Charlotte sat down beside him.

He pushed play.

He paused it as soon as the guy who got shot sat back up and was breathing, even though he had a hole in him where he was shot. He blinked. “Oh hell no. That’s a bad sign.”

Charlotte looked at him with a frown. “What is?”

“A soul wasn’t taken when they were supposed to be and got trapped in the body. He’s dead but...not. Worse than a ghost, they generally refuse to die. It happens sometimes when the soul doesn’t leave the body and gets confused if Rae Rae is late.”

Ella looked at him at the nickname, but didn’t say anything about it. Charlotte looked spooked.

“I bleed though, right? Linda tested me before taking me on as a patient because your mother didn’t. I bled. I’m not lost am I?”

Lucifer shook his head. “Oh, no, not you. You got a second chance at life. Totally different things.”

She relaxed at his side and nodded. “Good.”

He pushed play again, suddenly quite eager to see where this episode went.

He threw up his arms and glared at the screen at Dean throwing what Sam said while under the influence of the siren in his face. He paused it quickly to point and frown. “You know, if the roles were reversed, Dean would punch the shit out of Sam for even daring mentioning what he said. Because what Dean does is good and right and pure. And unless Sam has permission, everything he does is bad.”

Ella groaned loudly beside him. “Lucifer, not tonight!”

He shut up and frowned, but turned it back on, knowing he was right.

He turned it off once Alastair left to frown. “Wait...did he voluntarily leave? Because I don’t think Sam smoked him out of there.”

Charlotte looked puzzled. “What was that?”

“That’s the shows version of a demon. They are souls twisted into demonic form while in Hell. That’s what demons are in this show, corrupted souls. Totally different to real life, so don’t worry about meeting any smoke monsters.”

Charlotte seemed a bit frazzled, but Ella made it all better by answering his question.

“Yeah, I think Alastair left on his own too.”

Lucifer nodded. “Looked like he was there to test Sam. Nice. And Sam has been with Ruby again, snacking on her blood. Which will forever be a disgusting thing and I thought much higher of him before then.”

Ella grinned. "Oh you’re going to hate season 6 Sam. Well, the first half of season 6 anyway.”

He winced. “Okay, I am not looking forward to that.”

She grinned. “Don’t worry, Sam still gets saviour of the world status.”

Lucifer grinned at that. “Good. I wouldn’t think anything else. Sam is a dad damned hero and stays compassionate. That's the kind of Sam I like.”

He pushed play again when Charlotte nudged his hand.

He stopped it once the demon smoke had stolen Tessa and ran off with her. He winced. “Oh, this really isn’t very good at all and that kid needs to move on.”

“Why?” Charlotte asked, staring at the kid like he was one of hers. 

“Ghosts in the show and ghosts in real life actually have a lot of things in common. Too much time on earth and they just...deteriorate. Most turn into bad spirits. When finally taken by my sister, they are either destroyed by their very own resistance to leaving, which goes against an angel’s nature, or they go to Hell because of the acts they commit.”

Ella frowned. “What if they were good people before death?”

He shrugged. “It’s the soul that is judged. The soul lives on even after the body is nothing but a skeleton. The meter doesn’t stop just because they are dead.”

Charlotte sighed and rubbed at her face. “Knowing all this to be true and to have lived it, or...well, you know what I mean when I think of Hell.” He nodded and let her continue with what she was saying. “It... it changes who you are. You understand, Lucifer. You were there a lot longer than I was.”

He sighed and nodded. “Yes, and I agree with you. And it sucks. Which is why it is best for humans when they die to accept and move on, especially if they were a good soul in life. It means going whee they won’t be hurt for eternity.”

Both Ella and Charlotte nodded at his sides. They shared a small silence with each other, before he pushed the play button and got the show started again.

This was getting deep, but at least it was just that and not infuriating like the episode the night before.

He paused it again to rub at his face. “They are idiots, the pair of them. They left their bodies unprotected with a blind woman to look after them. And they’re supposed to be professionals.”

Ella snorted at that one. “I know right?”

Charlotte smiled, but looked confused. “Did they even think of their bodies on the beds at all?” she asked.

Lucifer shrugged and looked at Ella only to see her give the same reaction. They grinned at each other. “Nope.”

Charlotte sighed. “I think maybe I should binge watch this from the start while not at work to catch up to you guys, because I am lost.”

Lucifer grinned. “Good idea.”

Ella perked up at getting another person to watch her show. “I’ll lend you the first 3 seasons on DVD and you can borrow the first 3 discs from Lucifer here. We’re halfway through season 4 now. Well, over halfway really. And then there’s the shit show that is season 5. Which is my favourite season, but also one of the most depressing 22 episodes ever. Even the fun episodes have downer parts to them. And that’s with a Trickster episode, Lucifer. Which...well, you will see when you get to it.”

He frowned. “Ooh, that’s never a good sign coming from you.”

Charlotte nodded at them, and shrugged. “Well, that sounds good. I’ll go home with you, if you’re not busy to grab them before heading back to my apartment.”

Ella smiled widely. “Sure, sounds good.”

With that said, he turned it back on, a smile thankfully on all their faces.

He grinned when Castiel showed up after the lovely little smiting to Alastair he did. “Hah, nice.”

He didn’t pause for the rest of the episode, even during the parts when he really wanted to, because he really liked this episode.

“Well, it's good to have an episode that doesn’t make me blindly angry. Or just, you know, left wanting to kill Dean. I mean, he had his moment, but it was just one moment. And also, it makes me happy that Tessa is so sweet. Because she is a reaper based off my sister. Though I did catch that reference during the episode to Death the Horseman. Who in the writings uses a scythe, not a sickle, Alastair. There is a difference between the two.”

Ella laughed at that. “Yeah, I know, right. Still, it was good to have a good episode after the horror of last nights.”

He shuddered for real that time. “Oh yeah, I really hated that episode...”

Charlotte rolled her eyes. “I need to know the show to catch up. I really do. But I did like the reaper. She was nice. I don’t remember what it was like for me. I guess it was too long ago.”

“It was a couple of years for you in Hell. That’s not surprising.”

She nodded and got up. “Is it odd that this episode actually helped make death a little less frightening for a second time to me?”

He nodded. “Sure. I don’t really understand, but good that it did that for you.”

Ella frowned. “You called Azrael Rae Rae. You also said ghosts go bad after a while on Earth.”

He nodded. “Yes, it’s true.”

Ella rubbed at her face. “I was in a bad car crash when I was 7. It killed my parents and almost killed me. I think... I think I know your sister.”

He grinned. “It’s likely you met her if you had a near death experience.”

She shook her head. “No, I mean she stuck around for company kind of know her. Ooh, she lied to me! She told me she was a ghost. Can I touch Death without dying? Next time she pops around, I am slugging her in the face.”

Lucifer giggled at that. “You can touch her. And I would pay to see you punch her.”

Ella brightened at the thought. “Well, good. Come on Charlotte, I will introduce you to the wonders that is the start of the show. We could have a Supernatural sleepover.”

Charlotte got up off her seat and walked to the lift. “I’d like that.”

Lucifer laughed. “Well, you two ladies have a good time. I will be going down to the club tonight to sing, dance and make merry.”

It wasn’t until the girls had left that he realised not one of them mentioned Pamela’s death, or Dean’s angels not being up to any good.

Somehow the death at the end seemed cheap and just for Winchester angst and the angels... Well, he had already figured that one out on his own.

He got up and made his way downstairs to do his set for the night.

He was in a good mood after another episode. It was about time that happened again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - Lucifer is now beginning to be suspicious about the whole blood drinking thing outside it just being a gross thing to do.
> 
> Headcanon - I actually liked Pamela and thought it sucked that she died. An awesome psychic in a supernatural universe is always a good thing to have around.
> 
> Headcanon - Azrael can turn herself invisible as one of her powers.


	16. On The Head Of A Pin

Episode Sixteen – On The Head Of A Pin

He looked at the episode title and knew this one was going to go more into the angels. Not that any of them would ever actually even try dancing on the head of a pin, considering how much bigger they were to one. But it was a well known saying involving angels and so he had heard it a million times before. He still didn’t get the reasoning behind it and never would, but there it was. Angels apparently danced on pin heads for some unfathomable reason.

Charlotte had come again tonight, even though she had started on her catch up session the night before. Ella was bouncing in supposed excitement, having quickly gotten over her brother’s sudden departure back to Detroit and their childhood home town.

Charlotte held out her hand over his before he got to push play and frowned at him. “Before you start, there’s something I need you to know. I may have told Dan about doing this with you and Ella and he was upset about not being able to take me home for the afternoons after work because of it. So, um, can he come tomorrow night?”

He frowned right back at her. “You let Dan know? You do know if he comes, he’d find out in short order I actually am the devil and an angel and will undoubtedly freak out. Then you’d have to explain to him how exactly you’re my step mum, which is what he thinks you are.”

She winced at that. “The truth, I was going to go with the truth. I don’t want him to think I am just not interested in going home with him for no reason. It doesn’t have to be a regular thing, just every once in a while so he can keep me company.”

He pouted at her, putting on as much sad as he possibly could. “Am I not enough? This is because I called you mum the other day, isn’t it? I will never live that down. It will haunt me for all eternity.”

Charlotte squeezed his hand gently, and he looked down at them, both still on the remote. “I don’t mind you calling me mom, Lucifer. I can’t even get near my real kids, because your mother made them too afraid of me. I lost visitation rights. I have lost my real kids. So, if I live vicariously through you and whatever this weird pseudo familial relationship it is, so be it.”

He blinked at her, surprised that she actually said that out loud. “Okay. I think. He can come. But, he has to be made aware of who and what I am before we watch anything. Deal?”

She lifted her hand off the remote and smacked him with it, gently and not to hurt. “Silly boy. Don’t make deals with your step mother. Now put on the episode.”

He pushed play and watched the intro. He paused it for a few seconds so he could stare at the angel wings burnt into the ground around the dead body of one of his fictional sisters. “Okay, I can with full confidence say that doesn’t happen, though it is a very nice effect.”

Ella on his left side relaxed against him, as if she had been holding her breath. “Whew, I thought you’d freak when angels started dying. Glad to see you’re not.”

He shrugged. “I know I will probably relate to those who actually do exist, or did in Uriel's case, but most of these angels either are nameless, like this sister of mine, or non existent.”

Ella nodded and Charlotte let out a little “Huh.”

He grinned and pushed play only to find out that the boys had just come from the funeral for Pamela. It had only been the night before and yet he had already forgotten about her death. He frowned at Dean saying he’s fed up of losing friends. 

He paused it at that, actually. He frowned. “Hadn’t the Winchesters only met her 3 times? A friendship that does not make. If anything, they were acquaintances. Bobby was her friend.”

Ella shrugged against him as best she could, before patting his shoulder. “I have no idea. The only thing I got out of Pamela was she was the hot psychic.”

He nodded. “Yep, hot psychic is now dead. Time to move on to the next unbelievably short lived bit character we’re supposed to care about but actually don’t because they’re in it so little.”

Ella snorted out her amusement at that.

Charlotte rolled her eyes at them when he looked towards her. He grinned and pushed play again.

It didn’t take him long to stop the episode yet again with the sudden reversal of dynamics between Uriel and Castiel. “Whoa, okay, something happened here. I am sure I’ll hear about it soon enough but, ouch! Why did Uriel suddenly take over from Castiel? Cassie was doing good work!”

Ella patted his shoulder and sat back upright in her chair. “Remember that whole conversation about angels and emotions?”

He winced. “Oh, shit. Seriously? He got demoted to second in command of his garrison because he cared too much for his charges? That’s what a Guardian is supposed to do!”

Ella nodded at him, while Charlotte patted his other shoulder. “Calm down, Lucifer. Push play and you’ll see what happens.”

He did as he was told and almost stopped it again when Dean was whisked away by angels to torture Alastair. He grinned triumphantly at the screen when Dean inevitably gave in. He could see out of the corner of his eye the glare Ella was levelling at him. He paused the show again to point at the table.

“Dean, I don’t like what walked into the room. What comes out is going to be no different from what went in. It’s not like this is his first time torturing someone or something. Hell, he’s actually admitted out loud he enjoys it. Suck it up, Deanie and embrace your future as the one who enjoys torture. Because it’s true.”

Ella punched his shoulder, as she always does when he insults her favourite. Charlotte looked on in amusement.

“He seems to think he’ll change for the worse if he goes in there with the intent to torture. How would he be different if he already has tortured, and was in fact this master torturers prized pupil?” Charlotte asked.

Lucifer grinned wickedly at Ella. “Yes, Ella, Charlotte brings up a good point. How would it make him any different.”

She screeched out in anger and smacked them both on the tops of their heads. “Because he was dead then and now he’s alive.”

He shrugged. “Makes no difference. Also, he tortured before he even died. It just wasn’t humans which, by the way, Alastair is not one. So, again, how does it make a difference?”

She sighed and flopped down onto the sofa, putting her legs up on his lap and trying but failing to grind her heel into his crotch. “Shut up. I hate when your irrational hate of Dean actually makes sense.”

He smiled winningly at her. “Of course it makes sense. My hate is well won.”

With that said, he pushed play again to watch Dean torture the chief torturer. He was going to enjoy this.

He didn’t pause it through the first part of the torture session, which was mainly Alastair psyching Dean out. Or the look of joy on Dean’s face when he actually did start the torture. No, he paused it when Sam started sucking up Ruby’s blood like it was a drug he was desperate for. And then that thought hit him like a bolt of ugly celestial lightning. He paused and buried his head in his hands. 

“Sam. You silly, stupid human. No wonder you need it. You’re hooked. Why does this show do this to me?! Does he ever get off the blood? Does it affect him the same way human drugs would?”

Ella sighed. “It acts like a drug to him and amps up his power, so yeah. He gets a buzz in more ways than one, and it is to him extremely addictive.”

He pouted at the screen. “This...this is torture. This show was made here, on Earth, purely to torture me.”

Ella and Charlotte both started giggling at him for saying that, and he couldn’t stop the grin spreading across his own face. At least it was fun torture. Kind of like BDSM, but without the kink or sex.

He pushed play again, hoping to never see Sam snacking on Ruby’s blood ever again.

He paused it again when Anna arrived, actually surprised by her showing up. “Huh, will you look at that. Imaginary sister is back. But is she the one looking to free Alastair or is she there to help Castiel?”

Charlotte was the one to smack him on the arm this time. “Did you have to pause it to say that?!”

He grinned. “Of course, otherwise I’d speak over their conversation and I don’t want to miss anything now, do I? As it is, I am enjoying Dean being a little shit and enjoying it, while being psychologically flayed alive by Alastair.”

Ella rolled her eyes at him. “You would like Alastair.”

He smiled. “I like how he tortured Dean without even having to lay a finger on him. That is something I could only wish for. And dream of if that ever happened. Ooh, wish me happy Dean torturing dreams tonight?”

Ella punched him, harder this time. “No!”

He chuckled and pushed play again.

He laughed at Alastair's “Got something stuck in my throat. I think it’s my throat" line. Because that was funny and yeah, okay, he was enjoying how much fun Alastair as a character was having being tortured and how much fun the actor looked like he was having playing the role. Or maybe he was just imagining that. But either way, it was really fun.

And then he almost immediately paused it when he said the prophecy about the Righteous Man drawing blood in Hell. This time with both amusement but mostly confusion. “So, Dean was the one to break the first seal! So, we have the apocalypse to blame on him. Great! I wonder how long until he starts blaming Sam for it all. Because he will, as Dean Winchester can do no wrong and all wrong must be transferred to his whipping boy... I mean little brother, who always does the wrong thing.”

Ella actually didn’t hit him for that. instead she just let out a long sigh and shook her head. “Just, watch the show Lucifer.”

He shrugged and went to click it on, before stopping when a sudden thought hit him. “Also, how the hell was either John or Dean to be considered righteous. Unless righteous equates to higher than thou asshole, then yes, they both are.”

Charlotte snorted in laughter at his side. Ella refused to show a reaction to that one.

He smiled victoriously when he found out Sam was now strong enough to kill demons and not just send them back to Hell. Between Dean and Castiel, the vessel for Alastair was already well and truly dead anyway, so no harm done there to a human soul. He did wish it didn't involve drinking blood to get to that point, though.

He stopped it after Castiel and Uriel’s little talk in the park, horrified by what had just happened. “Oh, oh shit. It’s Uriel. Why?! I mean, sure my brother was a little shit and would kill to get his way but...he wouldn’t outright lie about it. He’d be upfront.”

Ella frowned. “Wait, I thought there was a no killing humans rule for you guys.”

“Direct killing, yes. Uriel could kill by changing the patterns of people the tiniest bit so they’d die in accidents he conceived happening at specific points which wouldn’t happen if routine was strayed from.”

Ella nodded. “Oh, yeah, you said patterns were his thing and he got to Chloe and almost killed her. Twice.”

He sighed. “Yeah.”

He pushed play again, just to escape the sudden awkward and emotional talk that was happening. He wanted to see if Uriel was killed by Castiel. Cassie wasn’t an idiot, he just wasn’t too good with humans.

He paused it once again when Castiel basically proved that Uriel did it. He had been tempted to do so during the talk he had with Anna, but...he couldn’t do it. Not then. He suddenly felt like crying and he didn’t know if it was out of sadness or if it was from joy.

“This may sound really, really stupid, but I’m so damn proud of fictional Cassie right now. Look at him, figuring out what Free Will is all about on his own, because he suddenly realised that no one else can tell him what to do with it. It’s up to him to choose what he does. And he chose to fight Uriel to stop him, to save his brothers and sisters. He’s so earnest about it too. He’s my favourite fictional sibling.”

Ella laughed. “ I like how you have to put fictional in front of everything to do with angels just to keep things straight in your head.”

He groaned and buried his head in his hands again, before running his fingers through his hair. “I know I am probably going to end up projecting all over the place with this show. I’ve already started, haven’t I?”

Charlotte rubbed the arm she was near and the movement helped soothe him. Ella patted the arm she was near.

“It’s okay that you feel that way.”

“Yeah,” Ella replied. “We won’t let you forget it either.”

He smiled and didn’t cry at having friends who cared about him and his not mother there to soothe his confusion and hurt feelings.

He pushed play, knowing that Uriel was likely to end up dead very soon. Even though fictional Uriel was a bigger dick than his real life counterpart, he still dreaded it.

He stopped it again after Uriel's death to frown at the screen, because that was not at all as traumatic an experience he thought it would be. It also answered some unstated questions he had. “So, Uriel was working to raise fictional me from Hell. Why was he doing that? He hated humanity that much? I don’t understand the angels of this universe.”

Ella winced. “Oh, you are going to hate fictional you so much. Because your hatred of the humans is so strong you want to wipe humanity off the map and leave the word open for other life. God isn’t too impressed as you may guess.”

He chuckled at that. “Yeah, I bet. It’s just weird that people think I hate humanity. See, this is what happens when the winners write the books for history. Your name gets tagged as a great evil even if you did nothing wrong. Not to say a lot of people who got tagged as evil weren’t all evil, a lot of them were, but wow. It's not a universal constant.”

Charlotte sighed at that. “Words, especially written words have power. I know that through work alone. I helped the evil men run free for a long time. No more of that.”

He flung an arm around Charlotte and hugged her to his side. “You know better now and you’re trying to be a better person. You’ll get there. Hopefully before you die again.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Yes, and boy am I looking forward to that fine event.”

He frowned. “I’m not. I’d miss you.”

Ella laid against his side. “Now hurry up an click play. We’re on the last scene.”

The episode ended with a crying Dean and he rolled his eyes. “It’s a prophecy, you idiot! There is no one else. He’s already given up before fictional me is even set free. Uuuuugh.”

“Shut up! It’s sad. Humans don’t always feel strong even when it’s small things. He just got the news the world’s fate falls on his hands.”

He rolled his eyes at her. 

Sighing, Ella jumped to her feet. “Well, you’ll never even get there if you can’t stand fictional you in just talk.”

He grimaced. “Yeah that one is very true.”

Charlotte rubbed at his arm again, before getting up. He clapped his hands. “So! Friday night and my set starts at 9. Anyone up for staying and partying, or are you going to watch earlier seasons together?”

Charlotte laughed. “I have plans with Dan, actually. Maybe tomorrow night.”

“And I am up for the party!” Ella stated, before skipping to the lift. “Meet you at the bar, Lucifer!”

He relaxed and grinned. His fictional family on the show may be falling apart, but he was forming a new mortal one right now with friends and his not mum. 

He felt good about the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Alastair was a total masochist and enjoyed the torture session.
> 
> Headcanon - I don't think Alastair actually was the one in charge of torturing John. I think he said that just to get to Dean and make him feel weak. 
> 
> Headcanon - Think I may have already said this, but I will say it again here because it fits. I think Lucifer will forever look at Charlotte and see a nicer, more maternal version of his mum.


	17. It's A Terrible Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan joins in for a very odd beginner episode. Also, Lucifer has wings.

Episode Seventeen – It’s A Terrible Life

Lucifer blinked at the title of this episode as Ella sat next to him, fidgeting in her usual seat to his left. Charlotte was bringing Dan with her today, so it was bound to be an eventful Saturday night. Or start to one. 

He had no idea what plans Dan had for his not mum, but they may well be changing after an episode of Supernatural with him and Ella. Charlotte had texted him to tell them they were on their way and the first thing he did was get his wings out.

“This is a weird episode. I’m not sure if Dan will like it or not, but hey. It will be his introduction to the show.”

Lucifer nodded. “Okay. Is this a Djinn episode? The title makes me think Djinn.”

She grinned widely at him as the lift dinged and opened. “You’ll just have to wait and see, Lucifer.”

He could hear his two other visitors step into his flat and Dan’s gasp as he spotted his wings. He curled them further around his body and could feel them try to get in closer to his skin. Yeah, okay, he may be a little scared of a bad reaction.

“What the Hell, man?! You have wings?”

He turned around so he could see his two other friends and smiled shyly. Not that he would ever be shy on anything, nope, not him. Not at all.

“Umm, yes? Now anyway.”

Dan frowned. “Weren’t they on auction that one time?”

Ella snorted at his side.

“No, they were a fake pair. The auctioneer held my real ones hostage. I burnt them on a beach later that night. I got them back again while unconscious after being kidnapped and dumped in the desert.”

Dan blinked and shrugged. “Okay, whatever.”

Lucifer was expecting a bit more of a reaction than that, but relaxed that the reaction hadn’t been bad. He grinned widely. “Well, come on you two lovebirds, get over here.”

Charlotte grinned and came over to her normal seat on his right, while Dan slumped down to her other side, throwing an arm around her shoulders. Dad never would have done that with mum. He was glad to see Dan at least trying to treat Charlotte right, like Charlotte should be treated.

He pushed play, before anything else could be said or done, spread his wings so they draped over the back of the couch and didn't get ruffled the wrong way and settled in to watch.

He stopped it within seconds to stare in horror at the screen. “What the Hell is Dean wearing?! That is the most obnoxiously ugly set of clothes I’ve seen him wear, and this is a man whose idea of high fashion is flannel!”

Ella immediately cracked up laughing at his side. "Aww, I told you, this one is weird.”

He pointed at the screen. “That is not weird. That is wrong in every way imaginable.”

Charlotte poked his side. “He does look oddly weird not being in his normal clothes. Oh, Dan, get used to the constant stopping. It’s a thing Lucifer does.”

He lifted his head and grinned. “I think it rude to interrupt a program while it is running and I am here to enjoy myself. If that means stopping to run commentary and yell at Dean so be it.”

Ella snorted and giggled at his side. “Dude, you so do it because you know its annoying. And to set us straight with the real Heaven and Hell, as opposed to what is in the show.”

He nodded. “That too.”

Dan snorted. “Yeah, right.”

His smiled went a bit sharp then, ans he looked over to Dan. “Funny you think that a joke, when I have my very own angel wings on display, which you’ve seen me move with muscle, not string.”

Dan clenched his jaw and looked behind him at where the wing closest to him was. Lucifer lifted it slightly to move it back and forth in a wave.

Dan quickly looked back at the television. “Okay, point. And I am going to freak out about that later. Come on, man, turn it back on.”

He did as was told by his only male friend.

He stopped it again when Sam came onto the screen. “Okay, what is Sam wearing?! Why is Dean’s last name Smith for that matter?”

Dan sighed. “Wow, you’re not wrong about the annoying.”

He grinned. “Maybe you’ll have to join Charlotte in the big binge watch of earlier seasons. This is season 4 after all, you missed the first thee and a half. It makes more sense if you know the characters. This is not a good episode to start on, wow were you right about that, Ella.”

Ella giggled again at his side. “Told ya! And you’re welcome to join me and Charlotte for binge watching purposes when you aren’t going on dates. It’d be nice to have other people to watch it with. We’ve only gotten a few episodes in.”

Dan frowned. “Maybe. Guess it depends on if I think it worth it or not.”

Ella nodded. ‘We can hold off the binge watch until after another episode is watched. That will probably make more sense. This is a bad episode to start with.”

Dan shrugged and Lucifer pushed play again. Maybe Dan would also join them, at least on Saturdays when Dan usually asked Charlotte out after work directly for dates.

He winced at Sam working tech support. He was being wasted there. Then he got the joke with the names. “Wesson...pfff.”

He got hit by three hands. Why the change in names though.

He paused it again after Sam saw the flashes of what was normal for him. “Is this an alternate reality and Sam is just getting the bleed through?” 

Ella frowned. “Lucifer, remember what I said about spoilers?”

Sighed and nodded. “Which means the entire episode runs around that. Huh. Well, at least there is flashes of Sam being the real Sam.”

Dan held up a hand. “Wait, you’re telling me those flashes of fighting and gore and violence is more what the show is normally like?”

Ella grinned widely. “Yep! You like action, right? This show is action based fantasy based on Sam and Dean being hunters of supernatural creatures up to and including angels and demons. I dared Lucifer to watch it for the lols. I didn’t know he’d make it a sit in daily event.”

Lucifer grinned. “I like action and violence and gore too, Dan. Nothing wrong with that. Come on, Body Bags and the Weaponizer movies are your favourite. This is like them, but with more monsters. And cuter actors.”

“Oh, definitely cuter actors,” Ella replied.

“I’ll agree with that one,” Charlotte butted in.

Dan laughed and shook his head. “Okay, maybe I will be interested in this epic binge watch of yours.”

Ella punched the air and let out a loud yes! Before settling down. He pushed play before things got out of hand.

He laughed at the oversharing comment.

Dan’s reaction to a guy microwaving his own head off was a loud “Oh, holy shit. That is brutal!”

Ella and Lucifer grinned at each other. He paused it as the body was being wheeled out. “Blood, gore, violence, and ghosts now, obviously.”

“Ghosts?!”

Lucifer and Ella both nodded. “Sure,” Ella replied. “You can tell a ghost by the sudden cold spots, and when the guy breathed out before committing suicide by microwave, the air was cold ad you could see his breath. That usually means ghost.”

Lucifer snorted. “Yeah, usually is important.”

Dan blinked. “Huh. You know what? Sign me up for this binge watch. This is more interesting than I thought.”

Ella clapped her hands and squealed a bit, happy she got another friend into the show. And on such a strange episode too. He pushed play, because this was starting to get good.

He and Ella started giggling when Dean asked if Sam was a psychic whose dreams were coming true as visions of the future and Sam’s answer of that being nuts. Charlotte smacked him to shut him up, while Dan looked at them like they were weird.

“Whoa, wait, stop it!” Dan cried out. Lucifer paused it and looked at him. “Wait, what exactly did Dean do to make the ghost go away?”

Charlotte brightened. “Oh, I can actually answer that one! It’s a ghost. Salt and iron can make them go away. It’s not defeated and it will be back, probably to go after them with a vengeance, but it will make it go away for a while.”

Ella leaned forwards and reached over to pat Dan’s knee. “Yeah, dude, the wrench was big and old fashioned. Likely made of iron.”

Dan nodded. “Ah, okay. I don’t know ghost rules yet.”

Lucifer grinned. “And now you’re learning them.”

They all were quiet for a moment, before Lucifer turned it back on as the talking seemed to have stopped.

He had to stop it when Dean found the video on how to ghost hunt from the Ghost Facers, because he was too busy laughing to keep his eyes open and on the screen. He felt like that moment right there was the funniest so far the entire series, because it was that hilarious. Ella was laughing right along with him, while the other two looked on possibly, worried over their sanity.

Ella waved them off. “You’ll get it later if you do a binge watch with me. But trust me, that is one of the most hilarious things ever!”

Lucifer, still calming down, let out a little chuckle and shook his head. “Trust me, she is very much not wrong.”

He pushed play again once he could see straight.

He got really into the episode for quite a while after that and didn’t make another sound until Dean said his father and mother were Bob ad Ellen and he had a sister called Jo. At that he let out a breath a a little “Ow.” He winced and did it again longer and louder when Sam said he broke up with his girlfriend Madison and called her number and got an animal hospital. He paused it after that.

“Okay, the Dean thing hurts, but that Sam thing just... Not my Sam, show, you do not do that to him. This show was written by monsters, I swear. They always have Sam’s interests die on him. No wonder he’s terrified of loving anyone.”

Ella sighed and laid her head on his shoulder and gave his knee a pat. “That it does, my friend, that it does. That Madison line was a very low blow.”

Dan sighed. “Meanwhile the rest of us have no idea what you're going on about. Can we please finish this?”

Lucifer sat up from the slouch he fell into and pushed play.

He didn’t pause or say anything more until the episode ended. And then he let out a loud “Huh. I thought something else was off about this episode!”

Ella laughed. “Yeah, you really don’t notice because it’s not that colourful, but yeah, they turned up the brightness. Only on parts where Dean’s in his shirt without the jacket and Sam’s got his yellow shirt on does it really stand out, because the rest of it is already in dark shades.”

“Huh. I never really thought about how low in tone it was until this episode. Well done to the effects team for that one.”

Ella nodded. “Wait until you get up to the episode Changing Channels in season 5. Now, that one is bright and for good reason. No spoilers dude. You’ll find that one out on your own.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

Dan got up and helped Charlotte on to her feet. “Well, that was interesting, and a whole lot bloodier and more interesting than I thought it would be. But I have a table booked for nine tonight at a restaurant for me and Charlotte and I would like to shower and get ready for that.”

Lucifer grinned and nodded. “Sure, have fun you crazy lovebirds.”

Ella grinned widely at him. “So, Saturday night party?”

He grinned widely. “Saturday night, let’s party. I have a set at 9 anyway. Might get some schmoozing in before then and after. I think maybe I will have myself a meal, a drink and then maybe a three-way.”

Ella laughed. “Well, you enjoy that. I think I might find my own fun for the night.”

He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at her. “I have no doubt in my mind you will. You are, after all, at the right place for it.”

With that all four of them got in the lift and went downstairs to where the music was already beginning to play, though the dancers wren’t out just yet. 

He was glad the show had become fun for him again.

He decided to ignore the use of his name as a big bad in the episode, because it was fun regardless.

He liked having fun. He lived for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this episode will always be one of my favourites from this season. It's just plain fun. And introduces a character I love to hate in Zachariah.


	18. The Monster at the End of This Book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while. I was writing the latest chapter to Answering Prayers and it took a long time to write.

Episode Eighteen – The Monster at the End of This Book

Another Sunday meant another day of church. Horrible, glaring Father Maloney staring at him the entire time, while another lesser priest did the sermon under watchful eyes.

Ella wasn’t too happy with that, but neither was he, especially when Maloney cornered them on the way back to his place to yell at him for corrupting one of his human flock.

“What are you even doing entering a church?! You are banned.”

He grinned. “You can’t ban me from entering my own dad’s house, father. It doesn’t work that way, and since he isn’t putting up half as much of a fuss over it as you are, perhaps you should take that as a hint.”

That got the priest to back off and leave them alone.

He did not flee back to his car, no matter what Ella believed.

It was going to be another night with just the two of them, as Charlotte didn’t know what time the church sermon would end and she still had no interest in going regularly herself. Apparently it was one of the things she tried and it just wasn’t for her.

He understood that perfectly.

Dan had told her to tell him that he was only going to do Saturdays until he had caught up. That was fine, Saturdays were his and Charlotte’s night of doing things together. If they wanted to spend the first part of the night watching a television show about angels and devils and ghosts, so be it. It was a good time for him, maybe it was also a good time for them.

Dan had at least enjoyed it last night. That was oddly surprising.

Now Ella was sitting in her seat, grinning widely at the episode title. “The Monster at the End of this Book. Does that have a meaning?”

Ella nodded her head. “It's a kids book. And it is pretty aptly named. Basically the monster telling the story ended up being the monster in the book, so he no longer had to be scared about there being a monster at the end of the book, because he’s a good monster.”

He grinned. “Hah, sounds sweet.”

“It is.”

He pushed play and let it start, interested in why this had that title.

He paused it after the book title Supernatural splash screen to grin widely. “Oh, holy shit, this is amazing! How meta does this show get? There is a book series about their lives that is actually accurate right down to cases they worked. Hah, wow the title is scarily accurate then.”

Ella grinned widely. “I love when this show gets meta like this. There’s another thing this show does. Major spoilers. Meta shit.”

He grinned. “You once said they go to a Supernatural convention, didn’t you? I have to see that.”

“Season 5, dude, season 5.”

“Ooh, so close!”

“Yep, 4 episodes after this one.”

He pushed play without saying another word. He had the feeling he may not be pausing this one a lot.

He was wrong. As soon as Dean learned what a slash fan of Wincest was, the whole thing got too hilarious for both of them. He pushed pause so they could laugh long and hard over that one. “Oh, wow, wait. Does this mean Sam and Dean read fan fiction about themselves? Is there fan fiction of them reading fan fiction of themselves? This is so insane an idea and it actually works. How does his work? This breaks the fourth wall in so many ways. How come it actually stays in sync and not fall off the rails?”

“Supernatural, Lucifer. A show that can get so ridiculous it can put its own characters as fans of the characters and get away with it with a clean bill of health and have it make sense.”

He laughed and shook his head. “I think I kind of love that, a tiny bit.”

Ella nodded excitedly at his side. “Oh yeah, totally. The 200th episode is a school musical, remember?”

He laughed at that one, because yeah, she had mentioned that.

He pushed play again, suddenly needing to know where this will go. Who was this Carver Edlund and... "Wait. Carver Edlund, isn’t that the last names of...”

“Yep!”

He grinned widely. “Fourth wall, gone.”

“And still working. Shut up now and push play.”

He did as he was told and pushed play.

He stopped it again when Chuck Shurley, who was going by the pen name Carver Edlund called himself a cold, cold, capricious God. He glared. “Ugh.”

Ella smacked him. He glared at her in return. “I just had to sit through Church. At least this admits dad to being cold and capricious.”

“He also called himself a god. Small g. Pagans exist in this world, remember?”

He blinked. “Huh, okay, point.”

He pushed pay again to see where this was going. 

He snorted and chuckled at Chucks “Horror’s one thing, but to live through bad writing...” But that was okay, as Ella giggled right along with him. At least most of the time they found the same kinds of things funny.

They both laughed again at Dean’s “I’m sitting in a laundromat reading about myself sitting in a laundromat reading about myself.”

He shook his head and pushed pause. “This... this is the most entertaining this show has been outside the Trickster. And I am stuck on how well it works. I think I am more stuck on that than Sam and Dean are. Is feeling like this normal?”

Ella shrugged her shoulders. “I just enjoyed the ride as it happened. And it is definitely a fun ride.”

He grinned. “Oh, it’s definitely that alright.”

He pushed play again, eager to see what happens next.

He stopped it again after Sam said the guy’s good after Chuck wrote that Sam thought Dean was a dick. “Okay. I think I have a new favourite episode. Goodbye Mystery Spot, hello There is a Monster at the End of this Book.”

Ella pouted. “You haven’t seen my favourite episode yet. It’s in season 11.”

He choked. “Wow, that’s a long way away!”

She nodded. “Yep, my second favourite episode is in season 13.”

He stared. “And that is even further away. I’ll just enjoy this episode and get there when I get there.”

Ella nodded wisely at him, before turning back to stare at the paused screen.

He pushed play, because this was seriously fun and he is so glad the show went back to being fun.

And once the dream sequence Chuck had played out and he wrote it and he talked about flow he closed his eyes sank into his sofa and groaned. “Oh, great. He’s a prophet. That poor, poor man.”

Ella hummed in agreement. “Prophets seem to really have it hard.”

He nodded. “Oh yeah, they all end up total messes.”

Ella giggled at that one. He glared at her, before turning back to the screen and pushing play. He wasn’t actually angry with her, and he was pretty sure she knew that was in jest.

She hit his shoulder in response with a grin. He smiled back. Yeah, she knew.

He paused it at Dean telling Sam not to research and to watch porn instead before leaving to go park Baby. He frowned. “He.. he does realise that he can’t stop anything, right?”

Ella giggled again. “They’ll try, especially Dean. Sam’s just kind of pissed he got dumped off with nothing to occupy him but the sounds of couples hooking up in the hooker hotel as Dean so nicely calls it.”

“To watch porn, because he’s not going to have wild passionate sex with either Dean or Lilith. Sorry, but wild, passionate demon sex with Lilith is the last thing Sam would do, so, I am guessing that is a trap to get Lilith, more than to actually have sex with her, even if actual sex does happen.”

Ella blinked. “You’re scary good at this sometimes. Not that it’s that hard to figure out, but stop spoiling yourself, dude.”

He grinned. “But I enjoy talking it though first. It helps me think and sit through it better. I'm not exactly the best at staying still for long periods of time.”

Ella snorted and let out a laugh at that. “Yeah, I noticed. Now come on, turn it back on.”

He pushed play and sat back, intent on not seeing some hot demon sex with Sam and Lilith.

He snorted, before laughing. Pausing it just to get it out of his system. “Hah! Oh, poor Chuck. The first angel he meets and it’s Cassie. Who basically sends him into an anxiety attack. Well done brother!”

Ella grinned at him. “Hey, you said brother instead of sister.”

He frowned at her. “Well, yeah, pronouns. I told you I’d get them right from the first episode.”

“No no, I mean, you missed out on the fictional part of it. You usually say fictional brother or sister.”

He frowned. “In this case, gender is completely different, he’s not my fictional brother, because he’d have to be my fictional sister for it to work that way, or else it just gets convoluted and confusing.”

Ella hummed at him and nodded her head. “Point.”

He nodded once back, returned his gaze to the television and pushed play.

He paused it when Dean told Castiel that he hadn’t asked for a damn thing to growl. He almost threw the remote at the screen. “That bastard! Don’t you talk to my fake brother like that! You don’t ask, no, you demand. Everything. Every single time he shows up! You’re even demanding now. Arrrrgh, I don’t like Dean. And now he’s picking on my little bro.”

Ella patted his shoulder. “He treats Cass bad. I get it.”

He pointed. “That isn’t bad, that is sacrilegious. Dean should be thankful Cassie even took on the role as the Winchester's Guardian, but no. Castiel is there just to act as another person to do his every bidding.”

Ella blinked. “Okay, you're going to love Rachel in season six. She feels the exact same way. Oh, she also tells that basically to Dean’s face.”

He grinned. “Yep, she is my favourite. Besides Cassie, who I actually am really enjoying.”

Ella nodded. And fell silent, waiting for him to start up the program again. He pushed play just to get out of the sudden awkward silence.

He didn’t pause it again for the rest of the episode. Not when Sam tried to kill Lilith with the demon killing knife. Not even when Dean got all annoying and demanding of Chuck and his archangel passenger. He was tempted a couple of time, obviously but refrained so he could just watch.

It turns out that the episode landed on poor Chuck getting himself a downer ending. Figures.

“You said it several times and now I will. Poor Chuck.”

He nodded. “Yup. On the other hand, Zachariah’s threat about bringing him back was meaningless, but Chuck didn’t know that. When one prophet dies, another takes their spot. His time would be up.. Bringing him back would do nothing but bring him back, and he’d be useless from that point on. No more visions. On the other hand, he’d at least get decent sleep.”

Ella sighed. “Zachariah is such a damned dick.”

Lucifer laughed at that. “I guess my fictional brother is a major dick, isn’t he? Yeah, I don’t like him.”

Ella nodded and got up. “Well, I’m going home. I have a book with my name on it to read and a bottle of cheap wine to get through. Night.”

He waved from his seat. “Night.”

He didn’t bother watching as she got in the lift and out of his flat. He was too busy thinking about where the show was going to go. He had the feeling he was soon to get out of his fictional box in Hell and rise up to Earth to wreak havoc.

He was really not looking forward to that happening, at all.


	19. Jump the Shark

Episode Nineteen – Jump the Shark

Ella was alone again that night. In fact, she got to his place before he did, as he had stayed in a bit later at the precinct to help order some paperwork. At least ordering it was slightly better than actually filling it out. On the other hand, the Detective refused to allow him to sort it in fun ways.

“Hey! You’re a bit late.”

He grinned. “Paperwork is boring and the Detective made me sort it out for her. I don’t need more paperwork than what I already have for the club. It’s a nightmare.”

She laughed at that and patted his spot on the sofa. He sat down and picked up the remote he was happy to see she had not taken away from him.

“So, Jump the Shark? As if the show hadn’t done that last episode.”

Ella rolled her eyes. “It’s definitely jumped the shark. This is the show that should die but keeps on going and for some odd reason I still love it...? I still don’t understand why. Some of the middle seasons are not so great, but it definitely picks up again around season 11 for me.”

He grinned and shrugged. “It’s a long way until then. So, let’s see how it goes too far tonight.” He pushed the play button and got comfortable.

He paused it soon enough to stare at the screen. “Oh, look. There’s the shark right now! This Adam kid is another kid of John’s? He had a kid and disappeared for weeks or months at a time to have this kid and didn’t tell his other sons? Have I mentioned my hatred for John? I hate John more than Dean. And there’s not a thing about Dean I like. That says something, I think.”

Ella nodded. “I so should have made popcorn for this one. Not my favourite episode mind you, but the look on your face is entertainment enough. Yep, Adam, the forgotten son. Who, by the away, is still forgotten.”

He blinked and frowned in confusion. “Huh?”

She grinned at him. “Spoilers, Lucifer. And huge ones at that.”

He pouted, but understood that was one thing she was not going to give him. He turned back to the screen and turned it on, ready to get his John hate on for this episode.

He stopped the show again when Adam said that John had been around for his birthday’s after he turned 12 and they officially met. They may not have officially knew each other well, but John seemed to care more for this kid that he had completely by accident to a stranger than the two he had waiting in a hotel for him in whatever dad forsaken town they were left in. He put the remote down carefully and flexed his hands so he didn’t accidentally do something stupid, like shatter the plastic.

“Oh, this pisses me off so much...”

Ella patted his arm. “Don’t worry, it pisses me off too. I hate John as well.”

He relaxed slightly at hearing that, because he was never sure with Ella whether they were on the same page or not when it came to characters. She did love Dean, after all.

“Why would John do that to his kids he had with his wife, that he wanted? I don’t... I am so glad I can’t have kids right now. I would hate to become a father just to turn out anything like mine.”

Ella rubbed at his arm to calm him down a bit. The soothing up and down of the movement actually managed to do it’s job enough for him to sigh, take a deep breath or three, settle down and pick up the remote again without feeling like he wanted to murder a fictional character.

He reluctantly pushed play. He liked this kid so far, but he wasn’t sure if he liked this episode.

He scrunched up his nose at what he assumed to be the remains of the mum. “Eww, mum became dinner.”

Ella grinned. “Yep, yum.”

He snorted at that. 

He paused it shortly after the finding of what was left of mum to rub at his face. “I want Adam to stick with Sam and Dean to go his own way. Can the show become the Sam and Adam show instead? They’re the good ones. I don’t like Dean.”

Ella sighed loudly behind him. “Yeah, I know. You hate Dean’s attitude. Personally, I think you hate him just because you’re too much like him.”

He shrugged. “I do have a lot in common with Dean. And in case it wasn’t plainly obvious, I kind of have a lot of self loathing going on. And it’s Sam I relate too anyway. Just because I am like Dean, doesn’t mean he’s the one I relate to. There’s a difference.”

She blinked at that. “Huh. Okay, I get that. Kind of like on Star Trek. I related more to Spock than the other characters, but Bones was my favourite and the one I like.”

He nodded. “Okay, moving on.” He pushed play just to get the annoyance at Ella to pass. He didn’t like being annoyed at her. She was his best friend.

He stopped it seconds later to smile brightly at the screen. “Yes! See? Big brother Sam teaching his young kid brother to look after himself against creatures out to kill him. Sam is the good one.”

Ella rolled her eyes and punched his shoulder. “Shut up and turn it back on.”

He grinned wider and did as she asked.

He paused it quickly when the lights in the motel room went out. “Oh, shit. I am so glad Sam taught Adam about the gun, because they’re about to put that sucker to the test. Not that he’s had any practices actually firing the thing, but...”

“Better armed than not? Yeah, for the Winchester family, including Adam, that is so a good motto to live by.”

He nodded. “Yep. And Dean wanted to leave the kid alone. Hah, Adam would be dead with that attitude.”

Ella sighed. “Yep, dead...”

He frowned and pushed play, wanting to find out what happens.

He paused it again when Dean wanted to talk to Sam after Sam told Adam he needed to cut all ties to his old life if he was to become a hunter and live the lonely life they do. He took a deep breath. “Dean is going to be pissed off at Sam for giving Adam basically the same talk he gave Sam himself three years ago, isn’t he?”

Ella frowned. “Honestly? I don’t remember. Probably, but I don’t know.”

He sighed. “And you find that fine? Not at all hypocritical. Dean can dish it out and dish it out but he cannot for the life of him allow Sam to do anything without his say so.”

Ella sighed. “It’s not always like that...”

“Ella, I've watched almost four full seasons of this show. So far it’s getting worse, not better. Yeah, it’s always been like that. No wonder he resents Sam so much.”

Ella glared at him. “Dean doesn’t resent Sam.”

“Yes, he does. Because of Sam he had to give up his own childhood because their dad decided to abandon them to go kill things and chase a demon and have sex with all females in his path he saves. One of which he got pregnant. Like father, like son.”

“But Dean would never abandon Sam.”

“No, he’d abandon the world to burn instead of letting him go.”

Ella blinked and looked at the screen, because she obviously knew he had a damn point. He pushed play before they started yelling at one another. Ugh, he hated episodes that made him fight with Ella. 

He refused to pause it again after the talk after Dean said John said those things, when Dean said them to Sam too when he found out Sam was keeping his Stanford connections. He balled up his hands and let them go again, just to keep from stopping himself from saying that shit out loud.

He did pause it when it turned out that the Adam in the house with Sam wasn’t actually Adam but the creature that killed him in his form. “Oh, no! I liked Adam! He was a good guy. Damn it. I wanted him to take over Dean’s place as brother to Sam...”

Ella patted him on the shoulder. “This is Supernatural. Don’t get attached to characters that aren’t Sam and Dean. They tend to die.”

“No, not Bobby or Castiel!”

Ella rolled her eyes. “Dude, I’ll tell you something real close here. Bobby has been in the show every season. And Castiel every season but the first three. That doesn’t mean they get out of things alive. And yeah, as you have clearly seen from the show, that also includes the Winchesters. Your faves are going to die, Lucifer.”

He pouted. “Why am I watching this show again?”

She grinned. “Because I dared you to and you couldn’t pass up a bet.”

He moaned and rubbed at his face. “That is, unfortunately, very true.”

He pushed play again to see how this episode ended.

He paused it again once Sam was free and Dean walked away from him. “Wow, your bro is bleeding out in front of you and you put some table mats around his wrists and tell him to put pressure on it?! Sam more than likely couldn’t. Not only had he lost a lot of blood and is clearly dizzy, but his wrists were cut in several places deeply. Which means that it probably cut muscle as well. He likely couldn’t hold the damn things in place! Uuuuugh, I hate Dean and his damned attitude towards anyone not himself.”

Ella frowned before shrugging. “That always bothered me too. I mean the shoddy way the show deals with injuries. I don’t think Dean did that on purpose.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Oh, he did it on purpose.”

Ella sighed and shook her head. "Just finish the rest of the episode. I want to go home.”

He frowned and nodded, pushing the play button. He had done it now. He had actually achieved running her off with his hatred of her favourite character. At least she likes Sam.

He didn't stop it again until the episode ended, and then he turnedit off as fast as possible. "Why does Dean say Sam is more like John, when it is Dean that emulates everything John did?"

Ella hit him hard in the shoulder. If the Detective had been around that one would have actually hurt him.

“I wish you’d shut up about Dean!”

He sighed. “I can’t help it. I really don’t like him. He pushes every single damn button I have. Also, going by his philosophy just said, every single person who dies by a monster is dying like a hunter and should be getting the right kind of funeral for it. Which is stupid.”

Ella blinked, before nodded her head. “Okay, that one I will give you. That was a stupid thing for him to say. And I’m going now before we start actually fighting.”

He sighed long and low. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. And I’m sorry I can’t stand your fave. I just...I can’t. And we will be butting heads over them the entire way through.”

Ella grimaced at that one. “Trust me, it gets worse. In some parts of season 5 and 10 I will actually be there right alongside you because he can do and say some pretty awful things to Sam.”

He frowned. “Only sometimes? He’s been doing it since episode 1.”

She got up and left without a word.

He got up and left too, via the balcony. He needed to clear his head and let off some steam without hurting anyone and flying was a great stress reliever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - I don't get Adam having a hunter funeral because he died by a monster. Or because he's a son of a Winchester. He wasn't a hunter and had already been buried. By ghoul as food storage, if not fully buried.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer is infertile since the Fall. I will stick to this even if he gets every woman he has sex with from now on pregnant. He will always be infertile to me and I am sticking to it and going AU if it otherwise changes.
> 
> Headcanon - Both Lucifer and Ella will have Charlie as their favourite character. Spoilers :P


	20. The Rapture

Episode Twenty – The Rapture

The fight from last night seemed to be over if the wide grin and buzzing excitement of Ella was an indication.

“You seem to be in a good mood, Miss Lopez.”

She nodded. “Oh yeah, tonight is the episode about Jimmy!”

He frowned. He had looked at the title and he had no idea what a guy called Jimmy had anything to do with the price of salt. “Who is Jimmy?”

“Castiel’s vessel! The guy he’s possessing, that’s Jimmy.”

He raised his eyebrows, suddenly interested in knowing where this episode was going to go. “Huh. Okay, I am now officially interested.”

They both sat down in their usual seats and he picked up the remote and pushed the play button, ready to get this Jimmy show on the road.

He paused it at the title sequence after the Winchesters find Jimmy sans Castiel and frowned. “Wait, did the other angels kill him?! You said that he can die!”

Ella frowned. “No, he’s not dead. He was taken away from his vessel.”

He frowned and nodded. “I have a really bad feeling about this episode.”

“Yeah, poor Jimmy. I love him though, if for no other reason than saying yes for Cass.”

“Hmm,” he replied to that, not able to think of words right then in worry for his brother on screen. He pushed play again, needing to know what happened to Cassie.

He paused it again after Jimmy had his seizure after Castiel talked to him the first time. “Oh no. He really didn’t deserve that at all.”

Ella nodded by his side. “Yeah, angels in this show are dicks.”

Lucifer snorted and grinned at her saying that. “Hey, angels are pretty much dicks in this real world too, you know?”

She grinned at him. “Well, I haven’t met many of you. And you’re only a dick by accident to people you like. And a deliberate dick to very, very bad people. So you don’t count.”

He shrugged and gave her that one. It was true, after all. “Yeah. How about Amenadiel. You’ve met him.”

She frowned at that one. “Hmm, I haven’t met him enough times to fully know him that well, but I do like him. I wouldn't know how much of a dick he is without further interactions.”

He nodded at that. “Ah, very wise, Miss Lopez. For one of my brother’s he’s alright, when he isn’t threatening to dismember, slaughter, start war with or hurt me in other ways. Oh, and he once called me evil to my face when I was helping him get a prized possession back he lost to a mugger. Fat lot of thanks I get...’

She blinked at him, surprised. “Wait, he actually called you evil to your face, while you were helping him with something he deemed important but you didn’t? Okay, yeah, he’s officially a dick.”

He grinned. “Thank you.”

He pushed play again.

He paused it when Sam was snacking down on demon blood at the drink vendor machine. He closed his eyes. “Oh great. That’s... He really is addicted to the stuff. No wonder he told Chuck he couldn’t stop. Great. Perfect time.”

Ella sighed. “Yeah, it’s a shame it’s an addiction. Sam’s usually not the one to fall for such things. Dean’s the alcoholic. He should stick to the addictions.”

He nodded. “Yep. On the other hand, good on Jimmy for getting out when he saw the chance and sneaking past Sam while he was otherwise occupied. Demon blood is bad, y’all.”

Ella giggled at his side. “I can’t believe you just said y’all like that about demon blood. That’s ridiculous.”

He grinned and pushed play.

He paused it and closed his eyes at the second flashback. “Oh, Jimmy. Your wife and kid are going to think you nuts.”

Again Ella sighed at his side. “Poor Jimmy just can’t win.”

He sighed back. “This is interesting and nice to know, but also depressing.”

“Yep. This show does that.”

He nodded. “Yes, yes it does.”

He paused it again when Jimmy's wife threatened to leave him and take the kid with her if he didn’t get psychiatric help for a problem he didn’t actually have. He rubbed at his face and let out his breath in a rush. “The more I learn about Jimmy, the more I wish that vessels weren’t a thing for angels in this series, because this is seriously disturbing. Look at this. Castiel is tearing this usually happy family apart...”

Ella patted his shoulder. “It sucks, yeah.”

He sighed again and pushed play, because he was fast running out of words for what to say right now. Jimmy’s life from the moment he was chosen as a vessel sucked and was rather tragic.

He paused it again at Sam’s call to Ruby and his twitchy behaviour. He threw up his hands a moaned in displeasure. “No! Get off of it, Sammy. Stop with the blood. Get off of it before things turn worse than they already are. This is going to be the episode Dean finds out, isn’t it? Oh no, I am so not looking forward to that conversation.”

Ella slowly nodded at his side. “Um, yep, that happens. And so does something else, but no spoilers there, because it is huge for the next two episodes.”

He sighed at that, nodding his assent of not being told, before pushing play again. He was beginning to dread the rest of this episode.

He paused it again after the fight. The truth about Sam’s blood drinking got out to Dean and Castiel. Claire had turned vessel for Castiel and the family minus Jimmy was reunited from demon and angel attack. 

He just stared at his screen at the words Cassie had just said. “What happened to him in Heaven?! Anna said it was something big and powerful and painful. But... what was it?”

Ella sighed and shook her head. “Honestly? You don’t find out what happens to angels taken back to Heaven for re education until season 8 or 9. Can’t remember which one exactly, but one of those. But, yeah, you do find out what exactly happens. In a way it gets worse afterwards, because of Michael...”

Lucifer growled. “Of course my biggest dick of a brother had something to do with it. Figures. Why can’t he let the younger ones just not get in trouble or figure out their own path.”

Ella frowned and shrugged. “I don’t know. Show Michael may be nothing like your brother Michael, but from what I hear, he’s as much a dick as any.”

Lucifer rubbed at his face. “Uugh, I am not looking forward to the fallout now.”

Ella grinned, reached over him and pushed play herself to spare him from doing it. “There, you big baby.”

He shoved her as lightly as possible to show his disagreement with what she had just done. “My remote. Mine.”

“Shh, show’s back on.”

He grumbled to himself, but turned back to watch the train wreck that was about to happen.

The episode ended on the worst note possible, and that includes the time Sam died in Dean’s arms. His jaw dropped open.

“Okay, I get shit like that from Dean, but Bobby?!”

Ella sighed. “Think about it. He’s been guzzling demon blood, Dean and Bobby have no idea what to do, Dean’s figuring it out as some kind of addiction, hence the ups and downs and Sam’s shaky behaviour and the panic room is a safe place with a bed and water that he can detox safely.”

He blinked at that. “Yeah I get that. It’s the closing the window on him and not telling him what they had planned. Did none of them think to ask?!”

Ella blinked at him. “Huh. Okay, no they didn’t and yeah, they really should have. Point.”

“Like I said. I can understand that shit coming from Dean, but not Bobby. Bobby is upfront with shit like this to the boys. He would have said something. Instead, Dean went behind Sam’s back, said something nasty about what Sam is doing and got Bobby to go behind Sam’s back to lock him up without consent. Anyone knows that a forced detox doesn’t exactly work. You need to want to quit and get better for it to work properly, and even then there’s always the chance of falling off the wagon.”

Ella nodded again. “Okay, another point.”

He crossed his arms under his chest and growled. “Now I want Bobby and Sam after he is clean to stuff Dean in there and get him off the alcohol to see how he likes it.”

Ella winced. “Ouch. Okay, you really hated that end.”

“Yes. Because Dean is dragging Bobby down with him, and I love Bobby.”

Ella sighed and got up. “Okay, well, I will leave you to your thoughts. I have a date tonight at 9 I don’t want to be late for and I just remembered that I left straight from work. I was excited about this one, because downer or not, it’s really good.”

He blinked at that and nodded. “Okay, point to you. It was good despite the downer parts and the horrific ending. Enjoy your date. Anyone I know?”

She grinned “Anne from parking.”

He grinned back. “Well, enjoy.”

She nodded. “Oh, I will! I will enjoy.”

And with that, she waved merrily at him and almost skipped her way to the lift going down to the club.

It was a slow Tuesday today, or so he thought it would be from the rain that had started up not too long before knocking off at the police station.

He may as well get social tonight and spend it schmoozing with the clientele down in the club.

He was oddly not in the mood for sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Castiel healed Jimmy of Epilepsy before taking him as a vessel. The seizure he had in the episode was because of Castiel talking to him in his true voice the first time, but he knew how to deal with the aftermath of seizures and so did his wife and Claire.
> 
> Headcanon - The demon blood thing as an addiction didn't happen immediately and generated into an addiction over time. Now he's addicted though his body will always crave it.


	21. When the Levee Breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Lucifer just goes off in this chapter. And half the time, Ella doesn't punch him for it and she stays after the episode.

Episode Twenty One – When the Levee Breaks

He had begun closing the kitchens on Wednesdays after the sun set, as he liked to keep an eye on the place while people ate and he played the piano for the clientele. He couldn’t do that while away and watching Supernatural, so for the time being Wednesdays and Mondays were very dull nights club wise.

He would still open the club, obviously, but after 9 only, and then he would likely just stay among the crowd as the people danced or drank away their problems.

He had two episodes left of the 4th season before going on to the fifth, and he had been warned he may not like the fifth. This had to be the reason Ella dared him and set it up as a bet she knew he couldn’t say no to.

He stared at the title of the episode When the Levee Breaks, remembered how the last episode ended and gulped, holding onto the remote a bit tighter than he should.

“Com on, Lucifer. Best to get this one out of the way.”

He frowned. “But that just makes it closer to what I dread more than I dread watching Sam going through withdrawal and something bad happening. I know something bad is going to happen.”

Ella sighed and leaned her head against his arm. “Of course something bad happens. This is Supernatural. Everything bad happens. Now hurry up and push play.”

He sighed, wished he had opened the kitchens that night and was downstairs playing piano instead, but still pointed the remote at the DVD player and pushed play.

He paused it when the titles rolled and frowned. “As much as I hate Dean’s attitude normally, the attitude in this situation is kind of needed. Because he’s right.”

Ella grinned. “Hah! Is that something you like about him?”

He frowned at the top of her head. “Hell no. I hate his attitude, because Sam was right too. Dean is self-righteous. Dean is always right. Everything Dean wants, Dean gets. Every decision Dean has is twice as good as anything Sam could ever come up with, because Sam is lesser than he is. He is the authority. He is the one who calls the shots. Sam needs to detox, but he needs to not be abandoned as he does it. Dean is effectively leaving a person going through withdrawal, which can actually cause the death of a person, on their own, in a room no one can exit if inside it to dry out. Without medical help or any comfort at all. And there is nothing I could think of that is a more dick move he has ever done.”

Ella sighed, but didn’t get up. “You’ll see why it’s not a good idea why anyone is there with him at the time.”

Lucifer growled out his distaste at hearing that. “They don’t have to be in the room with him. All they should do is park outside the door and give him reassurance that he isn’t alone. Dean was right to tell him he needs to dry out, but deadly wrong to leave him afterwards. And even worse telling him he is leaving him there and hunting Lilith while Sam is stuck.”

Ella was oddly quiet after he said that and he could just imagine her rolling her eyes at him. She didn’t even shake or nod her head. He pushed play again just to get the awkward silence to end.

He was going to pause it after the hallucination Sam had involving Alastair, but decided to keep on going and instead paused it after the scene with Dean and Bobby talking. “Well, shit. At least Bobby understands the situation and is keeping an ear out for Sam. He maybe be upstairs drinking with Dean, but he’s at least sort of looking out for him. It beats Dean thinking Sam should just be better already. Like detoxing works that way. Stupid arsehole...”

Ella butted her head against his shoulder. “As far as I can see, Dean and Bobby are doing the exact same thing.”

He shook his head. “No. Bobby knows the risks of what is happening. Dean doesn’t care, as long as Sam lives and comes off the blood. Bobby is worried over Sam’s health. Dean is just worried over his life, and only then after Bobby stated he could die from this.”

Ella sighed loudly. “I have no idea where you get this from...”

He blinked at that and frowned, not bothering to look down at her. “Because the show is that blatant about it. People tend to gloss over Dean’s shitty behaviour because they think he’s sexy, or they like the bad boy, or they think he’s a cinnamon roll underneath the gruff, hard outer exterior. Dean isn’t a cinnamon roll. He’s a chocolate. Hard on the outside layer, gooey and soft under that layer, and with a hard nut in the centre where his heart should actually be. People see past the outer layer, think the next layer is truly him and don’t bother looking for the nut.”

“Everyone has the nut, Lucifer.”

He shook his head. “Nope, not everyone. Some people don’t. And those people generally are empaths. But that’s real life. You can’t judge a fictional character by the same means, because most fictional characters generally don’t have more than those first two layers. One the one hand, it makes the Winchester brothers more real, as they have more than one layer each. On the other hand, it doesn’t stop Dean being a shitty person, who has good in him when he decides to act like it.”

Ella sat up and frowned at him. “Sam is the opposite.”

He modded. “Yep. His outer layer is that of the caring, hospitable one. Under that is a layer of wafer. Hard, cracked and breaks easily. Under that is a layer of jam. Sticky, hard to control and very bloody. And under that is the marshmallow layer of a little boy abandoned by his father, is not allowed to grow up and live his own life and is blamed for everything under the sun by the brother who raised him. Neither of the boys is innocent. Both are hard, just in different ways. Sam is caring. Dean is the bad boy. I don’t see heroes, I see flawed humans who are fundamentally different because of what their father did to them.”

Ella blinked at him a few times, before frowning. “You’re going to have to repeat that in an easier to read metaphor later on, because right now I get Dean as a choc covered walnut and Sam as a Wagon Wheel.”

He grinned down at her. “Yep. Dean has three layers, Sam has more.”

Ella frowned. “I just don’t see it the same way you do.”

He snorted. “Of course you don’t. You don’t see the shape of people, their souls. Fictional characters are harder to read because they're fictional. But I have spent the majority of my life in Hell around souls and can read them very well.”

She sighed, leaned back against him and pointed at the television. “Okay, enough waxing poetic about souls and put the show back on, please.”

He put it back on and shut up talking about fictional souls vs real ones, even though he could tell the topic fascinated her. He’ll have to tell her more about it after the episode had ended.

He paused it to point at Bobby. “See? He cares. He knows that Sam could die, he knows Sam shouldn't be doing this right now. He knows Sam like a son and wants to take care of him and doesn’t like hearing him in pain, but he knows the detox has to happen. It just doesn’t have to happen right then and it could have waited. That is caring.”

Ella punched his shoulder. “Dean cares too.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Yes, he cares so much, he is going to charge off after Lilith on his own or with Bobby in tow while leaving Sam detoxing alone in a locked room he can’t get out of and without any help if he needs it.”

Ella sighed and shook her head against him. “I don’t even know why I bother trying to point things out.”

"Because you’re only seeing half the picture. You blind yourself because you like him.”

“You blind yourself to Bobby and Sam...”

He shook his head. “Nope, hey both can be shitty people, especially Bobby, but it doesn’t stop them also being lovable. There is nothing lovable about Dean.”

She sighed again and pointed. “On.”

He rolled his eyes and pushed play, expecting this to go to hell in a hand basket when Dean refuses the sense Bobby is making.

He paused it again once the hallucination of Mary disappeared to frown. “Okay...this is fucked up. Sam, no. It’s not a good thing. It can be used as a gift and save a lot of people, but it isn’t a good thing. Who is sending these images to him? That was not Mary. That was personally tailored to push Sam’s buttons. The other hallucinations were just that. This was different.”

Ella sat back up and looked at him with the unspoken question of why he thought that shining clearly in her eyes. “Huh?” she asked instead.

“Sam’s hallucinations are of pain. Himself is a pretty normal one, I’d say, not that I know much about this kind of thing, but I expect it to be normal, as he is tormenting himself right now by going through detox. Alastair made sense. He was torturing Sam as a way for Sam to know he was in physical pain. Where Alastair was digging into him is where he is hurting most. That made sense. I’m expecting Dean to show up next. Not sure if it will be real Dean or a hallucination, but either way, Den will show up to torment him.”

Ella cocked her head to one side and frowned. “Wait... You don’t think the hallucinations are really hallucinations?”

He shook his head. “I think Mary wasn’t a hallucination. I think her image is being projected into his head by nasty angels. Probably Zachariah.”

Ella hummed at him for that. “Nice theory. How about starting it. I swear, you’ve spent more time talking than actually watching this episode.”

He grinned. “Guess i have a lot to say about this one.”

She grinned back and laid her head back down. “Yeah, I noticed. “

He pushed play again.

He paused it after the talk between Dean and Castiel. “Huh. So Dean has sworn allegiance with Heaven, not thinking about what that means. Idiot.”

“How does that make him an idiot?” Ella asked, not bothering to move her head against his shoulder. 

“He blindly follows.”

“He doesn’t want Sam to have to drink demon blood again.”

“No, he doesn’t want to have to kill Sam for something he perceives Sam as after he drinks the demon blood again.”

Ella shrugged against him. “Same thing.”

He sighed loudly. “No, it isn’t. You seem to get a lot of things that sound similar muddled up with them being the same thing. Castiel said quite clearly that Dean would feel like he has to hunt Sam for the amount of blood he drank, because of changes he would see in him.”

“He said it would change Sam.”

“No, he said it would change Sam into something Dean would want to hunt. Dean has already stated that Sam just by having these powers to begin with was something he wanted to hunt. Therefore the demon blood is a moot point. It doesn’t change anything. Castiel worded what he said very carefully to snag Dean and get him where he wants him. Wow, Dean was right, Castiel did turn into a dick. What happened to him in Heaven?”

Ella giggled at that one. “You still have seasons to go to find out about that. Season 9 dude, season 9. And I don’t think it makes the demon blood moot.”

Lucifer sighed. “We’ll be talking in circles all night about this. I am very good when it comes to saying things with a twist to keep telling the truth while also keeping the truth to myself. Trust me, Castiel did not say Sam would become a monster by drinking that demon blood. He said Dean would perceive Sam as a monster if he drank that blood.”

Ella sighed. “Fine, maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong.”

He grinned at the screen. “Ah, you know what happens and you don’t want to spoiler me. I’m right, aren’t I?”

As a reply, she hit him in the shoulder again. He laughed and pushed play.

He laughed at Bobby saying that Dean signed on willingly to be the angels’ bitch. Because, yes, he did. Like an idiot.

He paused it again after Sam had his seizure. “Wow, what is it with this show suddenly giving characters seizures? I mean in this case it makes sense, but what about Jimmy from last episode?”

Ella lifted her shoulder to look at him with the most ridiculous expression of confusion on her face. “You're seriously bringing up Jimmy now?”

He shrugged. “Why not, he had a seizure for no reason last episode. Like I said, this one at least makes sense. Ooh, is Dean going to have one in the last episode? Or Bobby?”

Ella blinked and looked away, her eyes unfocusing as she thought about that. “Huh, I have no idea. I don’t think anyone does, but I could be wrong.”

He grinned and chuckled at that. “Well, that’s not fair, is it?”

She huffed in faux anger at that, before laying her head back down.

He pushed play again. For such a screwed up episode, he was finally having fun bantering with Ella about the shittiness of the show’s characters without her getting angry.

Lucifer shook his head in absolute disappointment about Dean willing to let Sam die, something he could never allow, than give him demon blood to let him live. He paused it and pointed. “See that? Bobby knows this is going to kill him and doesn’t want his son to die and wasn’t talking huge amounts of blood. He’s talking of weaning Sam off it slowly, like an addictive substance without going cold turkey and killing him. The withdrawal woudl be easier and he had a good chance of surviving then. And Dean absolutely refuses on the principal the demon blood will turn him into a monster, even though it wouldn’t. Castiel said exactly what Dean wanted to hear to get Sam out of the way.”

Ella sighed and butted him with her head again. “Ow. Shut up and push play.”

He rolled his eyes but did as he was told.

He paused it after Sam stole the impala and left Bobby lying in the dirt unconscious. “No. Non no no. This sucks. What were Castiel’s orders? Sam should not have to do this alone. But he has no help at all. Heaven has abandoned him, Dean would rather see him dead and then die himself as a suicide pact, Bobby just wants to help Sam detox...this is a big huge mess.”

Ella grinned. “I’m not telling. Spoilers, dude.”

He scowled at her. “Damn spoiler warning. Why did I let you put that in place again?”

Sh grinned smugly up at him. “To stop you from being spoiled, duh.”

He rolled his eyes but gave her that one. He just felt she was quoting Doctor Who at him with the sweetie left out. He pushed play again.

He wrinkled his nose at the baby eating first demon Lilith. Before Ella tapped him. “Pause for a sec.”

Hearing her ask him to pause was so against what she’d normally say, he waited a second before he did so. “Hmm?”

“Lilith was the first demon, right?”

He nodded. “Yes, but not from my hands. Dad threw her into Hell and twisted her into the first demon. She gave birth to most of the demons in Hell. She’s a mother, it’s what she does. Spawn more demons.”

She wrinkled her nose at that. “Eww. So no baby eating then?”

He shrugged. “Only if she doesn’t think one will survive and then she’s free to go at it all she wants, but that is very rare.”

“Huh,” she replied to that, before turning back to the screen. He took the hint and pushed play.

He grinned widely when Sam punched Dean. “Oh, yes, you punch that bastard. He deserves a million more for all the times you stood still and let him punch you.”

Ella punched him in reply to that.

He paused it when Dean mimicked their Dad yet again and yet blamed Sam for being just like John. “What a fucking arsehole! Sam stands up for himself against Dean for the first time ever, Dean goes psycho on his arse and then says the exact same thing John did to him. See, this is why I hate Dean. Because if Sam doesn’t do what Dean wants, he’s not good enough, he’s not towing the line. He’s just a monster to be put out of his misery.”

Ella punched him harder for that. “Sam just choked him!”

Lucifer nodded. “Yeah, and he stopped. Dean was looking to kill, because Sam is now one of the monsters to him. And when he couldn’t, he disowned him for not doing what Dean wants. Sorry, but I am on Sam’s side here, even if he is doing things wrong. Sam needed his brother to trust him and listen, but Dean can’t do that, because Dean is the master in this relationship.”

Ella looked up at him in shock. “You truly believe that.”

Lucifer nodded. “Yep. It is clearly what is shown in this episode. Sam has now been disowned by his father and his surrogate. His adopted father is the only one who hasn’t abandoned him. Go Bobby. Let Dean die and have the Sam and Bobby show. At least Bobby cares.”

Ella went back to staring at the screen. “I don’t like this very much.”

He grinned. “Well, that’s mot my problem.”

He pushed play to stop her from answering only to have the episode end two seconds later.

He blinked. ”Huh.”

She grinned. “You lost track of the time, hah.”

He shrugged. “Yes I did. I spent most of the episode really hating on nearly everyone at least once, but I did lose track of he time. It was a good episode, regardless of all the crap in it.”

She nodded. “Yeah, it was definitely that.”

He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I am really going to hate season 5, aren’t I?”

She grinned at him. “Oh yeah. Like I said, I bet you wouldn’t be able to make it past the first 5 seasons.”

He scowled at her. “I am going to win that bet, you know. I will watch every damned episode of this show, if it’s the last thing I watch.”

She laughed at that and patted the shoulder she used as a headrest most of the episode. “That I believe to be a downright lie. This will definitely not be the last thing you watch. You’re addicted to cheesy television.”

He blinked, before shrugging. “Okay, point.”

“So! Tell me more about souls.”

He grinned. “Well, it is Wednesday, which is the slowest club day of the week, so I don’t need to go downstairs at all tonight if I don’t want. So, how much do you want to know?”

She grinned at him. “Everything!”

He laughed and settled down onto the couch in a more comfortable position for a long talk. “Okay, but you might want to get comfy, because this could take several nights.”

She moved herself around until she was comfortable and he started his lecture about souls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - The whole spiel about Sam and Dean being different kinds of chocolate is stupid. It was NaNo time. Which means anything gets in there. So, have that silly little shitty scene in there, even though, as Ella puts it, he needs a more understandable metaphor because his made no sense. Usually I take scenes like that out, but I found this one so ridiculous I had to keep it in.
> 
> Headcanon - I'm not actually sure Sam could be weaned off the demon blood slowly like Lucifer goes on about here. I think it is cold turkey or death for him. I do think the second time he goes through detox it was easier on him because he had less blood in his system.
> 
> Headcanon - Ella is less shitty when it comes to Lucifer being a bastard about Dean in this episode, because she didn't like all Dean did in this episode either as a sibling of a brother who has gone through detox. Yeah, that's a headcanon.


	22. Lucifer Rising

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the fun begin :P

Episode Twenty Two – Lucifer Rising

He stared at his name on the screen. His name was on the screen, right in front of him. Well, this was it. His big entrance into the show, which is also a give away that the final seal is cracked open and the devil is let loose onto the world.

Season 5 was about the apocalypse, this one had just been the lead up to it. He felt oddly cheated by that.

He gulped and took a deep breath, while Ella sat rigidly next to him.

“Okay, I guess you’re as nervous about me watching this as I am.”

She shook her head. “More worried over your reactions to the angels in this episode. I’m getting used to your attitude about Dean though...”

He grinned tightly. “You’re still mad I don’t like him.”

She grimaced back. “Not really, it’s your choice. I just don’t like you harping on about it constantly. It makes me feel bad for liking him.”

He shrugs. “Well, it’s your choice to like him and he is a fictional character, it shouldn’t matter that much.”

She took a deep breath of air and let it out slowly. “True, just push play so we can get this over with. And get ready for douchebag fictional brothers.”

He stared at the screen for a while, before sighing in frustration over his own lack of excitement for watching this particular episode, before he pushed down a bit heavily on the play button. 

One day he was going to break the remote, he just knew it.

He laughed at the timing of the slamming of the door from the end of the last episode to Carry On Wayward Son and let out a quick little “Nice timing there, Supernatural!” before leaning forward. One thing he did like about this show, they always did a recap with that song at the end of every season. He hoped that doesn’t change in the future like some shows do with end credit songs. It has become a Thing. And this Thing should be respected.

He paused the show to laugh at the ridiculousness of a demon leading nuns in prayer and then to speak of him, as the devil, as his father. “I have no idea where this show gets the idea that I am the father of demons!”

“I think it comes from the twisting of Lilith’s soul into the first demon you heard about last episode.”

He giggled at that. “Oh, yes, I forgot about that. But that still doesn’t make me their father. I was apparently locked in this cage in which the door opens onto a convent. And may I say good on you show for not making demons afraid of stepping onto holy ground. I have no idea where that comes from. Demons are considered celestial beings as well as angels. They just live in Hell instead of Heaven. And torture instead of nurture. It’s the little differences.”

Ella grinned and shook her head. “Can you wax poetic about this stuff after the show? I want to actually get about watching it at some point.”

He grinned and pushed play, amused so far with the beginning of this episode.

He paused the show to rub at his head and shake it. “Dean, your attempt to help is to bulldoze over your brother when he is not in a right state of mind and you call it help. No wonder Sam walked out that door. You’re the bloody monster, not Sam...”

Ella, of course, punched him in the shoulder for that.

“Why can’t Bobby call him instead. Bobby at least would be crude but get through to him, or if not get through, understand what it is Sam is trying to do and not get in the way and may try to, you know, lend him support and help him to take out Lilith.”

Ella frowned at that and shrugged. “I actually don’t remember much about what happens in this episode. It’s been ages since I watched these early seasons.”

He blinked and paused it as Dean turned around to find himself in a place he wasn’t when he walked to the window. “Okay, first off yes! Go Bobby, you tell that bloody coward how much like his daddy’s bad attitude he is being and to stow it. See, Bobby cares. Dean would rather abandon Sam than go after him, Bobby wants him back even if he’s a demon sucking junkie. Also, where the hell is Dean now? Is he in a different place?”

Ella blinked at his tirade, before shrugging. “I think it’s called the pretty room, or the green room. But, yes, he’s in a different place right now.”

He moaned and covered his face. “Right, douchebag angels, right.”

Ella grinned at him and nodded happily. “Yep, told ya!”

He shuddered in fake horror. “What should I do, Ella? This show is going to turn me into the biggest douchebag to ever have douched.”

She leaned towards him and rose up to whisper in his ear. “You press plaaaaay.”

He laughed out loud and pointed the remote at the television. “Your wish is my command.”

He pushed play.

He didn’t bother to pause it at the zoom in on Dean’s face at sudden Castiel in the background. No. He still said “What is up with these weird directing choices?”

“Shh,” Ella said before. “Demon eating baby cook.”

He blinked and nodded at that.

He paused it when Zach tried to tempt Dean into not only eating food and drinking beer but also having sex with fictional characters. He blinked, not knowing what the hell was going on. “I... I am so lost right now. Please say the pretty green room is explained later.”

Ella giggled at him for pausing it for something so mundane. Or at least that’s what he thought she was giggling at. “It wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

He shrugged. “I just had fictional brother number two douchebag extraordinaire just offer two Gilligan’s Island characters to Dean for sexual purposes. I am way past confused over this...”

Ella snorted before bursting out into loud peals of laughter. “Yeah, like angels don’t have sex.”

He stared at her. “Most angels don’t leave Heaven, which means they only have the company of souls or family. Souls are off limits and unless you’ve got a kink of incest I don’t know about...”

Ella smacked him on the top of the head for that one. “Okay, I get it, it’s weird and most angels don’t have sex. What the heck did you do before getting kicked out?”

He grimaced. “Locked myself in my room. Snuck into Eden and cavorted with Adam and Eve. I may at one point before the humans been desperate enough to try fashioning myself sex toys out of fruit...”

She blinked. “Huh. Well that was a little TMI.”

He grinned. “I have never been sexually shy. Even when the person I am having sex with is myself.”

Ella rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know, you masturbate. Can we stop talking about you jerking off and watch the rest of the show, please? This is getting uncomfortable for my poor human mind who likes privacy.”

He grinned. “Sure.” He pushed play again.

He blinked. “Okay, now Sam has gone over the deep end if he’s resorted to torture. Getting demons out of humans, sure. Killing demons without hurting the person they’re inside, nice. Torturing a demon just cause... Not cool Sammy. Not cool. Also, why do I have a really bad feeling about Lilith here?”

Ella grinned widely. “Because she’s bad news, Lucifer. You know that.”

“Yes. And the final seal is in that church. So Sam ad Dean better get there quickly or it will break before anything happens. On the plus side demon cook of baby meat is now out of business, so Lilith must be hungry for baby.”

Ella smacked him for that one. “Gross!”

He grinned and pushed play again.

He did like that Sam was worried about hurting the vessel the demon was in and it was only the demon he had been hurting. That made him feel a tiny bit better. Demons after all were quite used to torture.

He paused it again after Castiel disappeared out of the green room after Dean demanded him take him to see Sam. “I don’t much like Cassie’s attitude right now. Heaven really must have done a number on him. But wow, I like that he refused Dean’s demands, because Dean needs to hear the word no several billion more times. So go Cassie, you refuse him what he wants.”

Ella stared at him. “Wow, confused much?”

He shrugged. “I like show Castiel. He’s usually a good guy, though he is being a dick here. Not as big of a douchebag dick as Zachariah, but still. He’s acting different.”

Ella hummed at him, before nodding and turning to the screen. “True enough. Push play.”

He did as he was told, because he was actually interested in where this was going.

He laughed at Zach’s “Stop throwing feces like a howler monkey would you?” at Dean. 

He paused it again when Zachariah told Dean that upper management in Heaven purposefully let the seals be broken while Castiel’s garrison looking over the Earth was hopeless to stop the attacks and seals breaking and wasn’t told they weren’t supposed to. “Holy shit. That is... Who is running Heaven? I’ve known since episode one in this season that it wasn’t Dad, so who is it?”

Ella sighed. “Okay, bit of a spoiler, but I’ll tell you anyways because I am petty sure you’re soon to find out regardless. It’s Michael.”

He closed his eyes and moaned out his displeasure at that. 

Ella patted his shoulder. “Yeah.”

He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. “You were right. I am not liking the angels in this episode at all. At least Castiel doesn’t know. When he finds out, he’ll try to stop it. Because he obviously cares about his charges and the Earth. It’s what a good Guardian angel would do, and he is clearly the Guardian for the Winchesters.”

Ella nodded. “Yeah.”

He paused it again after Zachariah and Dean’s little talk about his destiny to stare blankly. “So, fictional me is supposed to be stopped by Dean Winchester? Okay. That would never happen in a million years. Not only could I kick his arse in a fight even in hand to hand, but kind of not able to hurt me, is he?”

Ella grinned. “Yep, true.”

“He doesn’t stop fictional me does he?”

Ella laughed. “Now that is another spoiler, and trust me, it is something to see to be believed. So, I’m not telling.”

He pouted, but got the hint, turning the show back on.

He laughed at Dean hurting himself punching Castiel. “Hah! He broke his fist on Cassie’s face. I love it. Do it again!”

He paused it again once Sam listened to the voice mail Dean left, except it said the exact opposite of what Dean actually said. Then he remembered Zachariah’s words. “That bloody douchebag arsehole! Okay, imaginary Zach is going to literally die on this show or I am going to find some way to walk into TV land and kill him myself! That was not a little nudge, that was a bitch slap of pain and death.”

He stopped it again at finding out Lilith was the final seal to close his eyes and droop in his seat. “Oh, Sam. I knew this was somehow going to all fall on his hands. Of course it is, because Dean can’t possibly be at fault at all for starting the apocalypse. He had to find some way of blaming Sam for it, because that is what he does, and here it is. Sam breaks the final seal, freeing fictional me from his cage. And Dean is immediately absolved of all wrongs in breaking the first seal and starting the whole thing to begin with. I hate him.”

Ella frowned at him. “But Dean is responsible for doing that.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Really? Who gets blamed for starting the apocalypse? Let me guess, Dean’s name doesn’t even come close to being uttered.”

Ella looked away. Yeah, he knew he was right.

He pushed play, pissed off.

He didn’t stop it for the rest of the episode. Mainly because he was too busy thinking how stupid it was that Dean was screaming Sam’s name instead of yelling at him through the door that killing Lilith would break the last seal. He stopped the program as the credits rolled on a white screen and blinked. Instead he said the first thing that came into his head. “Wow, I am way bigger and brighter than Cassie is.”

Ella laughed. “Well, yeah, Light Bringer. What did you expect?”

He blinked and grinned. “Not that. I expected the show to mar fictional me in some unimaginable way. Make me black or grey or corrupted in colour in some way, but no, definitely a huge arse angel who is just pure light. I was not expecting that.”

She patted his arm again. “Yeah, I was expecting the same first time I watched it. Except the first time I watched it I wasn’t actually sitting by the real actual Lucifer. This... this is surreal.”

He laughed at that. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“So! Got anything planned for tonight?”

He shrugged. “Not really. Go downstairs and party. Find myself a partner tor two for the night and have a good time. You?”

“I will be going home and watching more of the earlier seasons with Charlotte and Dan.”

He laughed. “I expect them to join us Saturday, you realise.”

She grinned. “i expect that can be managed.”

He nodded. “Good.”

With that he got up, found the coat he was wearing for his suit that day and went over to the lift. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

She grinned at him. “Thanks. Such a gentleman.”

He bowed and ushered her into the lift, before getting in himself. “Always.”

The doors closed on them and the fourth season.

He didn’t know whether he was going to enjoy the fifth season much, but at least he knew he wouldn’t be suffering through it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - I think the character I like least in this series is Zachariah. I wanted to punch his smug face in every time he showed up on screen...
> 
> Note - I was like Ella and Lucifer here when Supernatural Lucifer got out of the cage. Pure, blinding white light was not what I expected. I knew he was an angel and he would be light, but not like that. I was pleasantly surprised.
> 
> Also, I actually liked that Dean apologised to Sam. Sucks Sam never got the message so he still hasn't been apologised to for that shit. Unless I am forgetting something. Does Dean ever tell him that the message he got was the wrong one? Or is that fan fic I am getting muddled up with canon?
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer Michael is not half as bad as Supernatural Michael.


	23. Sympathy for the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so season 5 starts. And this story goes into hiatus until either NaNo or Book of Names catches up. Whichever comes first.
> 
> Other stories of mine should be written and/or finished during the time of this Hellatus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Lucifer's first reactions to...well, Lucifer.

Episode Twenty Three – Sympathy for the Devil

Lucifer had decided to take Friday off from his watch of Supernatural and spent the whole night in the club, living as much as he could vicariously through other people before he got into fictional him in the show. And since fictional him just got released from his prison cell in Hell, things were definitely looking like they would take off hard and fast and not in any way that is good or fun.

He knew right off the bat he was going to hate his fictional Supernatural counterpart, simply because he is the big bad guy of the season. He held out hope that by the end, fictional him was back in the box and not out and about on Earth.

It made a different change to real life, that was sure, in which things were the other way around.

Also, he was fed up of having to think fictional in front of his own pronouns and name. 

Ella was there with the season 5 box set in her hand ready to go. The first disc had been inserted and he was staring at an unnamed episode. He blinked. “Uh, it’s not telling me anything.”

She grinned. “Here.”

She handed him a paper pamphlet that showed the episode title and pouted. “Why? The other seasons had them on the actual episodes in the menu. This is stupid. Also, the episode is called Sympathy for the Devil. I hate it already.”

Ella laughed at that one. “Yeah, I figured you would. Come on, push play already!”

With a moan of defeat, he hit the play button, hoping this would at least be entertaining.

He watched the beginning scenes with fictional him getting out of Hell and couldn’t help it. He grinned. “Hah! I am massive and impressive even as a being made of pure light and Grace. I am awesome to behold. Also, how is Dean and everyone on that plane still living, or if living have eyes?”

Ella blinked, stared at Dean looking directly at the huge column of light that was fictional him rising from the convent and frowned. “Huh. I have no idea, but yeah. Also everyone else in the town and surrounding areas for that matter. Wow, I never thought of that.”

He chuckled. “Well, now you are. And my fictional death count has started already, just by escaping the box. And do you have any idea how much it sucks to have to put fictional in front of your own name? This is my life.”

She snorted and giggled into her hands, before patting him on the shoulder and urging him to push play again.

He did so, actually interested in what was to happen. After all, right now fictional he had no vessel and was just floating around earth trying to find one.

He paused it again once he found out Castiel had been blown up by archangel and turned into soup. “Well, that sucks. And is also very gross.”

Ella nodded. “Oh yeah, poor Cass has it bad in this show too.”

He smirked. “Of course. He is with the Winchesters.”

She punched him on the shoulder, but at least this time she was grinning while she did it. “Shut up and push play already.”

He pushed play for a short time, only to stop it again when the angels arrived. He blinked at the screen. “Huh. So, when did Chuck start knowing when angels were near?”

Ella shrugged. “It’s probably from meeting the archangel on babysitting duty and not of any choice on his part. Being around angels tends to set off an alarm in a prophet’s head. They just know things. Which is, if you think about it, the entire point of a prophet.”

He gave her that one. “Huh, true. Okay, that makes sense.”

He pushed play again.

He stopped it again very shortly after to glare at the vessel of Zachariah. He was really beginning to hate that guy. “I’m sorry, did he just blame Sam for the apocalypse? Yep, I knew it. it’s already started. Not only is Dean going to blame the shit out of him, even though he is the one that kick-started it so that the apocalypse could start in the first place, but now everyone else on this planet is going to blame him for it. I hate this show and the way it craps all over Sam when things aren’t his fault.”

This time the punch to his shoulder was harder and it came with no added smile. “Shut up and push play.”

He rolled his eyes but did as he was told. He was already majorly pissed off with the direction this season was going. 

He paused it again after Nick was visited by a woman with blood on her face after some very vivid hallucinations. “Wait, was the woman fictional me?”

Ella snorted at him adding on the fictional, but he guessed he would just have to get used to that. “Yep.”

He nodded. “So Nick is his vessel then. Huh, okay. What was with the blood in the bed?”

“You will learn that very shortly when next we see him. You’ve got to remember angels have to test and woo their vessels into saying yes. Fictional Lucifer uses psychological torture to get his vessel to say yes. That and using that silver tongue of his.”

Lucifer perked up. “Ooh, do you think I have a silver tongue thing? I can get away with a lot, after all.”

Ella wiggled a hand in front of her. “Eh, I don’ know if I would call it a silver tongue more than people just automatically feel like telling you things, because of your whole desire mojo making them want to bare all.”

He grinned at that. “Ooh, do I get to see you bare all?”

She smacked him across the top of his head with a loud laugh. “You little devil. Come on, put the show back on.”

He turned back toward the television and hit play once again.

He paused it when Becky refused to stop touching Sam even after he asked her to. “Bad touch. Stop bad touching Sam. Also why is her username Samlicker? That’s...no. Also did she just orgasm while touching him? Just by touching him? I don’t like this Becky. I think fictional me psychologically torturing someone is more polite than Becky sexually harassing Sam.”

Ella grinned. “Oh, trust me, things with Becky get worse. And I mean way worse. You’ll hate her later on. Thankfully, way later on.”

He nodded. “I somehow don’t doubt it.”

He paused it at Bobby disowning Sam and just stared. “Okay, demon or angel, because that right there? That is not Bobby.”

Ella frowned. “Not saying.”

He sighed. “Well, it was worth the try. I know your spoiler policy.”

She grinned. “Yep. Now shut up, push play and maybe I won’t start calling you sweetie every time a spoiler is wanted by you.”

He grimaced at even the thought and couldn't push play fast enough.

He was soon shown that it was a demon and not an angel and felt proud at knowing Bobby well enough to know he was being OOC by telling Sam to get out.

He paused it again when Bobby fought the demon inside him and stabbed himself to stop it from killing Dean. “See, that right there is Bobby. He’d do anything to protect his family, even kill himself for them. I hope he isn’t dead though, because I love bobby.”

Ella grinned at him and rolled her eyes. “Yes, I hear your love for him.”

He paused it again after he found out Nick’s kid died. He stared in horror at the screen. “Is fictional me seriously doing this?! I am using a man’s dead child to torture a yes out of him to get it to stop? I hate fictional me so much.”

Ella patted his shoulder. “Fictional you likes psychologically torturing people, if that wasn’t plainly obvious. It’s his favourite game I think. They’re practically torturing themselves, he gets into their heads that well.”

“Fictional me is a horrific monster.”

“Yep.”

“I hate fictional me.”

“Yup.”

“I hope fictional me gets his arse handed to him and gets thrown back in the cage.” He nodded and pushed play again.

He immediately grinned seeing that Bobby was still alive.

He rolled his eyes at hearing about Dean being Michael's sword. Before thinking on it a bit harder and started laughing. “Oh, Michael is in for a Hell of a ride trying to get Dean to say yes. And now I am imagining Dean as a vessel and eww. Michael, you have better taste than that.”

Ella chuckled at his side. “Pretty sure Dean calls himself a condom for Michael at one point very soon, and yeah, it is hilarious.”

He grinned at that before pushing play.

He blinked and pushed pause after Castiel put a spell to hide the Winchesters from all angels right onto their ribs. “Holy crap, Cassie came back with a vengeance and got an up in awesome. You go fictional bro of mine!”

Ella snorted at his side. “Yeah, Cass is so my favourite. Well, him and Crowley, but he doesn’t come into it until near the end of this season.”

He frowned at that name. “Crowley, really?”

She laughed. “Yep. Now let’s finish this episode. I’ve got stuff to do tonight, since Dan and Charlotte didn’t drop by tonight.’

He frowned. “Yeah, it was a good thing they didn’t. Spoilers running wild.”

She laughed. “Yep.”

He pushed play again, wanting to know what happened.

He paused it to rub at his face when Nick said yes and took Lucifer in. “Yes, okay, fine. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t lie. That son of a bitch taking on my name on the screen... He tortured someone to the point where telling the truth would make him say yes. Except I didn’t love Dad so much he decided to punish me for it. I have no idea where that came from.”

“Oh, uh, Fictional Lucifer hates humans and when God created humans he ordered angels to love them as much or more than God. Lucifer refused, because he didn't like them and didn't want to love anyone more than God.”

He blinked. “Well that is even more screwed up than what actually happened. And my mum told me that dad tried to kill me and Hell was the compromise. That’s how screwed up this is!”

Ella nodded at his side and rubbed at his back in soothing circles, as if to try and calm him down from what he had just watched and heard. It didn’t work too well. Yeah, he was really going to hate fictional him. He already did. More than he hated himself even, and that was saying something.

He pushed play to try and stop his thoughts from spinning out of his control. Thank dad he had a set at nine to do that night to try and forget the absolute crap going through his head.

He rolled his eyes at Dean telling Sam he couldn’t trust him, but knew the episode was right at the end so let it play through. He pushed stop and turned off the television once it ended. “Well, you’re right. I hate this season already. Also, Dean is a lying sack of shit.”

Ella raised her eyebrows in surprise at that one. “What?”

“He just told Sam he can’t trust him anymore. Dean hasn’t trusted Sam since near the beginning of first season. As far as I am aware, there never was any trust. So why the hell would he tell Sam this now? Oh yeah, because he blames him for everything. I am so fed up of his crappy attitude towards Sam.”

Ella sighed, got up and walked to the lift. “Well, I will leave you to your Dean and self hatred while I just walk out of here. I have places to be. Don’t wait up!”

He groaned. “I have a set tonight and I can just tell it is going to be played very angrily tonight.”

Ella grinned. “Well, have fun with that. Maybe you’ll put the piano to good use and get out some of your anger before the show.”

He blinked and looked to his personal piano and shrugged. “I might actually do that if I am going to get through my set tonight.”

Ella waved. “Well, see ya! I am going on a date.”

“Traffic cop again?”

She grinned. “Yep.”

He grinned back. “Well, have fun.”

She waved at him and gave him a playful wink as the door closed behind her, leaving him alone. He went to the piano, set on playing for an hour before heading downstairs himself.

He needed to let off some steam and flying wouldn’t cut it right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note - I haven't watched any of season 14 yet, so any information about Nick in this story up to this point is as far as both Ella and Lucifer knows. Ella also hasn't watched season 14, because she waits for it to come out on DVD. I know Nick is in it, but not anything about him.
> 
> Considering this story won't be updated for a good long while now, I will probably have watched it by the next chapter.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer is much more emotive using music than he is with his words. If he's particularly on edge or angry during a therapy session, sometimes Linda will whip out a roll up keyboard for him to hammer at until he is calm enough to get to why he is so touchy with words and not music.


End file.
